'FunnyYou Should Say That!'



 

On these pages we publish  jokes, cartoons and oddities,  with a Christian connection, as well as a few that aren't religious, but which caught the website manager's fancy. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise he would not have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint Faith's in general and the website manager in particular. It goes without saying that any perceived bias or incorrect thinking contained or implied by these various offerings in no way reflects the views of our church or any of its members... although many of them share this writer's unreconstructed sense of humour.

If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you would like to share, then please get in touch. Visitors are more than welcome to share, publish or plagiarise these items!

Apologies for any missing cartoons.

Click here to access the first hundred offerings, posted from 2005 onwards.

Click here for jokes posted in 2012 and 2013 (those that haven't disappeared into cyberspace, that is...)

Click here to access a collection of curious items (including many non-P.C. offerings) from various sources

... and here for a  feature reproducing newspaper articles and comments on more serious topics of interest to the Christian community.






630   January 23rd, 2019
Eden Project?



629   January 19th, 2019
Holy Moses!



"What do you mean 'resign'? This is the best deal we're going to get!"



628   January 3rd, 2019
Star Turn?


Private Eye



627   November 3rd, 2018
Service Call?


Private Eye



626   October 22nd, 2018
A Canterbury Tale re-told
 

'Private Eye', October 2018
____________________________________________________________
_________________________________


625   October 9th, 2018
A Happy Bunch







624  October 8th, 2018
By Hook or by Crook?



Private Eye. See also the cartoon below!





623 September 15th, 2018
A Fete worse than debt?


Daily Telegraph



622  24th August, 2018
An Irish Welcome


The Irish are suckers for Pope Francis as he visits the Emerald Isle



621  26th May, 2018
Late Extra



Private Eye




620  12th May, 2018
Cheeky Chappies






619 May 8th, 2018
The Sucker

T
he vicar visited an elderly lady from his congregation. As he sat down he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

'May I have a few?' he asked. 'You're more than welcome,' the lady replied.

After an hour, as the vicar stood up to leave, he realised he had scoffed the lot.

'I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts,' he said. 'I only meant to have a few.'

'Oh, that's all right,' came the reply. 'Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.'

With thanks to the magazine of St Peter's, Formby



617 May 2nd, 2018

Bishop's Move?


A pompous prelate visited a rural parish to preach at Evensong.

Seeing that there were only half a dozen or so in the congregation, the bishop was less than well pleased.

Didn't you tell them I was coming, my man?' he asked the vicar.

'No my Lord,' came the reply. 'and I don't know who did!'





616 April 28th, 2018
Crumbs!






615 April 11th, 2018
'Mansplaining' Easter







614 April 4th, 2018
'Low' Sunday?



Private Eye




613 March 7th, 2018
Brushed Off

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very
interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down
paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one
their biggest churches.

Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting
up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it
down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened,
and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church
and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got
on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no
more!"

Thanks to Fiona Whalley for this: an old one but worth repeating
(the joke, not Fiona!)


612 January 26th, 2018
Groping for an answer?






611 January 23rd, 2018
Wholly holy holey!




610 January 15th, 2018
Wherever could this be?



Thanks to Fr John Reed (whose sermons are short and sweet!)




609  December 23rd, 2017
Dead silent?







608 14th November, 2017
One Foot in the Grave

Bert and Alf were at the funeral of an old friend.
They stood in deep thought by the open grave.
'How old were he then?' asked Bert.
'I reckon he were 89', says Alf. 'How old be you then, Bert?'
'I be 88', came the reply. 'Ow about you then?'
'Me? Reckon I be 87 next month.'
There was a thoughtful pause, before they spoke as one:

'Hardly worth going home, I reckon.'

__________________________________________________________________

607 21st October, 2017

The Lion's Share?


Private Eye



606 
October 1st, 2017
If at first you don’t succeed . . . .

 A vicar of several rural parishes was driving back to his vicarage after a PCC meeting one night. It was very dark and he was feeling tired.

As he rounded a bend on the winding country lane he suddenly saw a cyclist right in front of him. He slammed on the brakes and hauled the steering wheel over to the right. The cyclist was understandably shocked by this sudden threat, as the car missed him by inches. He swerved to the left, hit an embankment and fell off.

The vicar jumped out of the car to check that the cyclist was alright. The cyclist picked himself up, dusted himself down and declared himself to be unhurt. However, it was too dark to properly tell the state of the bike.

The vicar promised to pay for the cost of any damage and gave the cyclist one of his visiting cards, which had his name and phone number on it. When the cyclist got home he looked at the card and was somewhat perturbed when he read,

‘Sorry to have missed you. I will try again tomorrow.’

With thanks to 'Focus', St Mary's, Davyhulme magazine



605  September 22nd, 2017
   Tuba Mirum


Private Eye



604  September 19th, 2017

Would you Adam and Eve it...






603 August 26th, 2017
Perils of the Pulpit

 

The Revd Steve Morris, a London priest, warn new clergy to manage their expectations. 
After one of his very first services, a parishioner came up to ask if he wrote his sermons down and if he could have a copy. 
He wrote in ‘Christian Today’ that he felt a “flurry of pride” and wondered if the man wanted to keep it for posterity or to go over its message again. 
The worshipper replied, “No, Steve.  I fell asleep as you started speaking and only woke up when you said ‘Amen’.”

Thanks to David Jones and today's Times Diary




602 August 8th, 2017
Clerical Clashes





601 August 7th, 2017

Bear with him!
.

.
With thanks to Private Eye and Denis Griffiths





600  24th July, 2017

Loss of Faculties




To mark the 600th posting, this splendid cartoon is resurrected, without apology.
The editor fondly remembers  an archdeacon making similar noises over a less dramatic breach
 of ecclesiastical standing orders many years ago at St Faith's. 
 The phrase 'strictly speaking' is wonderfully C of E ...


____________________________

599  11th July, 2017
Blind Date?


This cartoon has been lost in cyberspace!
Private Eye



598  June 30th, 2017

Eau de Toilette?





597 June 25th, 2017

Chairwoman Jackie?


To mark the ordination of Jackie Parry, 25th June, 2017



596 22nd June, 2017
Allergy in a Country Churchyard



With thanks to Private Eye



595 June 12th, 2017
'Holey, Holey. Holey?  Lord God Almighty!'






594 May 24th, 2017
'Matchstick boys and girls' - R.I.P.





593  May 12th, 2017
Thou Shalt Not Leak





592 April 22nd, 2017
Fire Down Below


'You're very impressed with our new underfloor heating?
We haven't got underfloor heating!'



591 April 15th, 2017
Jesus is Coming!


'Keen not to be late for his own resurrection,
Duncan Rennie hurtles on a scooter to a rehearsal
of the Edinburgh Easter Play in which he plays Jesus'
(Daily Telegraph front page photo on Easter Eve!)



590  April 5th, 2017

Trust Trouble






589 April 2nd, 2017
For Better, for Worse





588 24th March, 2017
Filling the Vacuum






586 16th February, 2017

By hook or by Crook





585 February 1st, 2017

For Better, for Worse...

A small boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy confidently replied. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”  he asked.

“Easy,” the small boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the vicar said. 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”




584 January 18th, 2017

Needing it like a hole in the head






583 Epiphany, January 6th, 2017
Bethlehem or Bus?





582 Christmas Day 2016
'Chrexit'?



_________________________________________________________________________


581 December 14th, 2016
Wreath Lecture

'Never argue with St Faith's Flower Ladies about where to put the Advent Wreath!'

___________________________________________________________________________________________

580 December 11th, 2016
Specsavers
   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It
represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them
and said, "They're bells."

St Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,  "And just what do they symbolize?

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

_____________________________________________________________________________


579 December 2nd, 2016

     Coming! Ready or Not?

_________________________________________________


578 November 25th, 2016
Getting really incensed




577  7th November, 2016

More Goat, Vicar?                     



The young couple invited their elderly vicar for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the vicar asked their young son what they were having.

‘Goat,’ the little boy replied.

‘Goat?’ replied the startled priest. ‘Are you sure about that?’

‘’Yep,’ said the youngster. ‘I heard Dad say to Mum “Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner:.’

                                                                                


   576 26th October, 2016

                                                                                Shaggy Dog Story


A burglar breaks into a house one night and as he is about to lift the DVD player off the shelf he hears a voice in the dark say 'Jesus is watching you.'

Greatly scared, the burglar freezes and listens intently. After a few minutes when nothing happens he puts the voice down to his imagination and reaches for the DVD player again.

'Jesus is watching you,' says the voice again. In shock the burglar switches on his torch and shines it round the room to find the source of the voice. The beam comes to rest on a parrot in a cage.

'Did you say that? asks the burglar.

'I did,' replies the parrot, 'but I'm only trying to warn you.'

'You warn me?' scoffs the burglar. 'And who are you to warn me?'

'Moses,' replied the parrot.

'Moses! What kind of people call their parrot Moses?'

'The parrot squawked, then said, 'The kind of people who call their rotttweiler Jesus!'

With thanks to Denis Griffiths



575 18th October, 2016

A  Bushy Tale

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each place of worship had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery pool. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
 
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and circumcised him; they haven’t seen a squirrel since.

With thanks to Brian Williams and Fr Dennis Smith





574 October 4th, 2016
Heavenly Brexit






573 October 2nd, 2016
A Wing and a Prayer?


Mum and Dad came home from church with their children.

After lunch, the parents went out into the garden to see what the little ones were up to.

The children had dug a little grave and were dropping a dead robin into it with an accompanying prayer:

'In the name of the Father and of the Son and in the Hole he Goes. Amen'




572 September 25th, 2016

At your Service?



570 September 15th, 2016

Backing the Bishop



569 August 29th, 2016
Bouquet of Barbed Wire

568 August 13th, 2016
REAL Estate?






567 August 1st, 2016

Grave Matters

'He was the local stone carver'
Private Eye



566 July 24th, 2016

Getting Out of the Habit?




565 July 11th, 2016

Open and Shut?

Private Eye


564 June 29th, 2016

Tall Story?



563 June 11th, 2016

Pillow Prayer


Dear Lord

So far today, I’m doing all right.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper,

Been greedy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed

Or eaten any chocolate.

I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute,

And I think I will really need your help then.

Amen

With thanks to the magazine of St Peter’s Formby



562 May 30th, 2016
Light Bulb Moment



561 May 28th, 2016
Publish and be Damned



560 May 4th, 2016
The Dainty Demonstration




559 April 23rd, 2016
It's a miracle





558 April 17th, 2016
The Sleepy Slide Show



557 March 25th, 2016
Just Hanging About ...


Private Eye

556 March 19th, 2016
Thumbs Down...



555 March 14th, 2016
Pray Connect me, Vicar!



554 March 7th, 2016
Ducking: the Issue



553 March 1st, 2016
Cross Purposes



552 February 20th, 2016
'Ring Out, Wild Bells!

'


551 February 15th, 2016

'More Tea, Bishop?'




                                                                                                                                                                                           550 February 13th, 2016
                                                                                                        'Belt up, Vicar'


Private Eye



549 February 9th, 2016
An Ill Wind...



548 January 20th, 2016
Many a True Word ...





547 January 14th, 2016
'Drink ye all of this..?'

                                                                                                                                                       




                                                                                                                                                                                  546 January 10th, 2016
                                                                                      'We Won't Go Until We've Got Some!'


Private Eye


545 January 7th, 2016
'Gathering Gloom?'


Private Eye



544 December 27th, 2015
Wise? Men







543  December 14th, 2015
By Hook or by Crook



542  November 14th, 2015
Storm in a Font



The Metro



541 November 13th, 2015
The Final Log In




540 November 5th, 2015
Nudge, nudge...



With grateful thanks to the Church Times



539 November 1st, 2015

Name that Tune






538 October 26th, 2015

Visiting: The Sick




537 October 23rd, 2015

The Last Laugh?



536 October 14th, 2015

Special Hearing


In a local church Sunday morning the preacher said, "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come to the front."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and the
whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?

"I don't know," the man said. "It ain't 'till Thursday"




535 September 25th, 2015

Choral Chaos





534 September 10th, 2015

The Food of Love?





533 September 3rd, 2015
...that is the Question




532 August 30th, 2015
Facing up to things



531 August 14th, 2015
Jupiter Pluvius?



The Oldie


530 August 8th, 2015
Just Going Through the Motions




529  August 2nd, 2015
No Food from the Friar




528 July 22nd, 2015
Seven Days Shalt Thou Labour




527 July 18th, 2015
Pray Hold the Line


                                                                                                                                                                           

526 July 14th, 2015
One for the Record Books


                                                                                                                                                                             


525 July 10th, 2015
Head Case





524 July 6th, 2015
The Keys of the Kingdom


(This one is for Gareth...)



523  July 3rd, 2015
Group Dynamics, anyone?






522 June 23rd, 2015
What a Gay Day!






521 June 17th, 2015
Blatter Matters




520  June 13th, 2015
The 'F' Word




519 June 11th, 2015
Ferry Story



518 June 9th, 2015
Mitre's well carry on, then...

First friend: ‘It took me forty years to discover I had not got the gifts for Holy Orders.’


Second friend: ‘Goodness, whatever did you do when you found out?’


First friend: ‘It was too late to do anything. By then I was a bishop!’

Sent to us from 'Focus' the magazine of St Mary's Davyhulme, Manchester


____________________________________________________________________________


517 June 5th, 2015
Sliding into the Future




516 June 2nd, 2015
Pussy Epistle


Private Eye


515  May 30th, 2015
Ark to Noah





514   May 21st, 2015
Blue Sky Thinking


Private Eye

_________________________________________________________________________


513   May 10th, 2015

A Floral Tribute



St Gargoyle's again - Church Times




512  7th May, 2015

How Very True


With acknowledgement to the Church Times.
__________________________________________________________________________________

511   4th May, 2015
The Long Drop



T
hree trainee army padres undergoing assessment  were told they had to undertake a parachute drop. They could refuse, but were urged to take the plunge and identify with the life of a soldier. 
 
Up in the plane, the R.C. trainee waited for the green light. When the sergeant signalled him, he stood still. The sergeant touched his shoulder and said: 'The 
cardinal orders you to jump'. He jumped.  
 
The Free Church minister likewise froze. The sergeant leant forward and said: 'Your congregation wills you to jump'. He jumped. 
 
Finally the Anglican was called forward - and he too froze at the doorway. The canny sergeant shouted across to him: 'Your bishop absolutely forbids you to jump'

He jumped!
(Thanks to  St Peter's Formby parish magazine)



510   28th April, 2015
You Mitre's Well....






509  April 24th, 2015
Parrot Fashion



508 April 14th, 2015

Many a True Word...?




507 April 8th, 2015

In the Bleak Midwinter





506 April 1st, 2015

'And also with you!'





505 March 30th, 2015

Notwithstanding

In the course of his sermon the minister asked anyone who had never sinned to stand up.

To his amazement an elderly gentleman promptly got to his feet.

'Are you sure you've never sinned?' the minister asked.

'Oh yes, I've sinned sure enough,' the man replied. 'I'm standing up on behalf of my wife's first husband!'




504  March 27th, 2015
'Whatever you say, dear!'

The vicar and the doctor were standing at the bedside of an old man who was dying.

'I'm afraid he's gone,' said the vicar.

'Yes, he has,' said the doctor.

'No, I b'aint,' murmured the patient, feebly trying to sit up.

'Lie down, dear,' said the wife. 'Vicar and doctor do know best.'




503  March 20th, 2015

'Keep taking the tablets...'

The vicar was very depressed when he came home from a visit to the doctor's.

'What's the matter, dear?' asked his wife.

'Well'.' said the vicar,.'the doctor says  I've got to take these pills for the rest of my life.'

That's not so bad, is it,' said his wife cheerfully.

'It is,' said the vicar dolefully. 'He's only given me seven.'



502 March 1st, 2015
A Bridge too Far

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian, Muslim or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

One of the winners of the religious jokes competition on the 'Ship of Fools' website




501 March 1st, 2015

Backward in Faith




500  February 27th, 2015
The F-word!




This fine cartoon, one of the editor's favourites, is re-posted
to mark the 500th such offering since web-time began





499  25th February 2015
Filling a vacuum in the church...?





498  February 20th, 2015
No Expense Spared?





497  February 18th, 2015
The Bear Necessities
 


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served in the same area of Canada. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
 
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
 
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
 
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

As supplied by Rick Walker


496  February 15th, 2015
The Fall
 





495  February 11th, 2015
Tablets of Stone?





494 February 3rd, 2015
Ant-Social Network



493 January 28th, 2015
Surplice to Requirements

492 January 25th, 2015
The Church Militant

491 January 22nd, 2015
That Takes the Biscuit...



490 January 20th, 2015
'Cloth' Ears...?


Bert was worried that his wife Ethel was going deaf, so he consulted the doctor and asked his advice.

‘Well, first of all you need to be sure’, said the medic. ‘Stand 50 feet away from her and ask her a question. Is she doesn’t answer, try again at 40 feet, then 30 and so on until you get a response.’

Bert thought this was worth a go. Ethel was the local vicar, and he knew she would be in church, so off he went, and sure enough she was up by the high altar checking the order of service.

He stood at the back by the font, and said in a clear voice, ‘Ethel, what time is evensong tonight?’

No answer. He walked part way up the aisle, and tried again, to no avail. He tried by the pulpit, at the chancel steps and finally in the choirstalls. ‘Ethel, what time is evensong tonight?’

Ethel turned round and said, ‘For goodness sake, Bert, this is the fifth time I’ve told you – it’s at 6 o’clock!’

Adapted from a story told by Fiona Whalley

_________________________________________________________________________

489 January 17th, 2015
No Change!



Thanks to Alan Brooks


488 January 15th, 2014
'Following Yonder Screen'


Private Eye


487  January 12th, 2015
Well, there's an idea...





486  January 10th, 2015
Cross Words





The Oldie


485  January 8th, 2015
Must be Crackers



484 December 29th, 2014
'We Three Two Kings..'



483 December 22nd, 2014

A Woman's Place?




482 December 20th, 2014

Saving Grace?


A Methodist minister was stopped in the High Street one Saturday morning by a Salvation Army lassie who asked,  'Are you saved?'


He replied with a smile, 'My dear, I'm a  Methodist minister.'

'Don't let that make any difference,' she replied

_________________________________________________________________________________



481  December 13th, 2014
'
Not Dreaming of a White Christmas!'




480  December 12th, 2014
'Following Yonder Shed'




479  December 6th, 2014
Heavens, surely not!






478 November 24th, 2014

Speaking Ill of the Dead





477 November 19th, 2014

The Lady Lords it




476 November 17th, 2014

Ego te absolvo




475 November 14th, 2014

The Dark Web?




474 November 4th, 2014
High Church Wedding?



473 October 27th, 2014
Growth Agenda





472 October 23rd, 2014
Heading for August 29th?





471  October 18th, 2014

The Blinkered Bishop




470  September 24th, 2014

Stepping up to the Plate



_______________________________________________________

469  September 21st, 2014
Worried to Death



'No, no, that's not a sin either. My goodness,
you must have worried yourself to death!'



 
468 September 9th, 2014

Comedian's Credo


The greatly mourned actor Robin Williams, was an Episcopalian – an American Anglican, if you like. He once listed ‘Top 10 reasons to be an Episcopalian’ – a list with which many home-grown members of the C of E can perhaps identify.


10 No snake handling
9 You can believe in dinosaurs
8 Male and female, God created them; male and female, we ordain them
7 You don’t have to check in your brains at the church door
6 Pew aerobics
5 Church year is colour-coded
4 Free wine on Sundays
3 All of the pageantry – none of the guilt
2 You don’t have to know how to swim to get baptised
1 No matter what you believe, there’s bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you

Thanks to Eric Salisbury for the cutting

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467  September 7th, 2014
Pray Answer!



The Oldie
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466 September 4th, 2014

If Only...



The Oldie


465 August 26th
Dozier Crozier?



The Oldie


464 August 19th
Sun Stroke



463 August 17th
Font Fishing



462  August 7th
The Eden Project



461  August 3rd
Hammering home the Reformation




460  July 30th
You're no fun any more!


Private Eye


459  July 28th

Going through the motions

Upon hearing of the impending burial of an old friend at a remote plot out in the country, a kind-hearted bagpiper decided to play at the graveside in his honour.

On the day, his satnav let him down and he had great difficulty finding the site, until he finally came upon what seemed like the right place, only to realise that he had clearly just missed the burial.

He rushed across to the open grave, with the coffin yet to be earthed up, took out his pipes and began to play. Soon he was joined by the only two people still there, obviously the grave-diggers, who had been sitting in their van eating their sandwiches.

He gave it the works, ending up with a moving rendition of 'Amazing Grace', said a quick prayer and made his exit. As he passed the van, he heard one digger say to another, 'You know, I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years, and that's the first time that's ever happened...!'

With thanks to Fiona Whalley

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458   July 25th
There's a Good Boy




457 July 22nd
The Cloud!



Private Eye


456 July 16th
By Hook or by Crook


Daily Telegraph, July 16th

455 July 11th
Dating with Death


Private Eye


454  July 8th
Many a True Word!



453  July 6th
Internet Interment



Private Eye



452  June 29th
The Lion's Share



Private Eye


451  June 24th
Fishy Story?



450  June 21st

They Also Serve...





449 June 17th
Would you Adam and Eve it?




448 June 14th

Now Notice This




448 June 12th

Sacrificial Lamb




 
447 June 10th
Notice This!


   
Internet circulation: thanks to Denis Griffiths. Lots more to follow!



446  June 8th

Jumping to Conclusions?



Thanks again to Liz Mackert


445 June 4th
Hate to tell you...

The Oldie



444 May 31st

Deus ex Machina


Thanks to Liz Mackert


443 May 27th

Vicarious Pleasure


The vicar was ill in hospital and was visited by one of his churchwardens.

'Well, vicar,' she said, 'we had a meeting of the Parochial Church Council last night and a resolution was put forward wishing you a speedy recovery. It was passed by fourteen votes to twelve.'

(Thanks again, Brenda!)
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442 May 17th

Promises, Promises....

The rector told the congregation that he would shortly be leaving to move to another parish.

However, he assured them that the bishop had promised to send a good man to take over.

After the service he noticed a woman crying and said: 'Don't get upset, my dear, the bishop really has
promised to send a good man to take over.'

'He told us that last time,' the woman replied in tears.

Another Cracker from Brenda Cottarel

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                                                               441 May 14th

                                   You Cannot be Serious!

WICOE 
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
 OPEN TO MEN ONLYALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

DAY ONE
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - How to survive. Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum

DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar  to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual Counsellors available

Supplied by Fiona Whalley
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440 May 12th
Meat and Right





439  May 11th
Waking up Grumpy

Parishioner to sour-faced rector's wife: 'Did you wake up grumpy this morning?'

Rector's wife: 'No I thought |I'd let him sleep on.'

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438  May 5th

Many a True Word...


We are all in favour of change as long as it doesn't make any difference.


Seen in a parish magazine (not ours, but it will be!)
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437  May 4th

Banged to Rights

The Sunday School teacher was telling how Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.


'That's nothing,' said one little boy. 'My mother was driving the car the other day and she looked back and turned into a telegraph pole.'

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436 April 30th

Nobody we Know...

'I don't want to go to church this morning!' said the son to his mother.


'The people don't like me, they talk behind my back and the service is too long.'

'But you have to go,' came the reply. 'You're the vicar.'

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435 April 28th

R.I.Peas

The rector was taking the funeral of one of his parishioners.


At the graveside after the committal, he tried to console and comfort the widow.

'What happened to your husband?' he asked.

'Well, rector, I was cutting up a cabbage for dinner when he died suddenly by
    my side.
'

'Oh dear,' said the rector. 'What did you do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I had to open a tin of peas.'

Thanks to Brenda Cottarel for the supply of this and various  future feeble jokes


434  April 26th
'Doing God'?


Matt (who else?)


433 April 27th
Noah says Whoa (!)





432 April 23rd, 2014
United, we fall...






431 April 17th, 2014

Can't be too careful...



The Oldie



430 April 12th, 2014
Sister Act?

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in an American supermarket. The staff called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
 
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.  "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 




429 April 4th, 2014
Mamma Mia!

At a Merseyside Roman Catholic Church, they apparently have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.


At a recent meeting, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands; "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
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428 March 30th, 2014
Mum's the Word







427 March 28th, 2014
Would you Adam and Eve it?




The Oldie


426 March 24th, 2014
Finding Jesus

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
 
The drunk staggers into the water and bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
 
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
 
So, the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No,  oi haven't found Jesus!" the drunk replies. The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
 
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
 
Again the drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
 
By this time, the preacher is at his wits' end and dunks the man again - but this time holds him down for even longer, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The  preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,  have you found Jesus?"
 
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath,  and says to the  preacher,
 
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

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425 March 22nd, 2014
Dropping Him Right In It




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424 March 17th, 2014
'Out of the Mouths...
'

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
 
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
 
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar.  I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
 
The little boy replied with a chuckle.  "You're kidding me, right?  You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”
 
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423 March 14th, 2014
Devil Cats?


422 March 12th, 2014
The Black Spot on the PCC



421  March 8th, 2014

Please don't bring that up, vicar...



420  March 7th, 2014

The Little Monk(ey)

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419 March 1st, 2014

Surplice to Requirements?





418 February 26th, 2014
Vicarious Pleasures





417  February 14th, 2014
Flooded with Feeling


Daily Telegraph, February 14th




416 10th February, 2014
Possessing All One's Faculties?



St  Gargoyle's

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415  8th February, 2014
Swingers Young and Old



St Gargoyle's



414  February 6th, 2014
The Habit of Humility



The Oldie



413 February 5th, 2014
Pax non vobiscum



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412  February 4th, 2014

Sitting it out





411 January 31st, 2014
The Dozier Crozier






410 January 29th, 2014
Hanging Basket Case?

With thanks to Ron and St Gargoyle's

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409 January 26th, 2014
Many a True Word...

Yesterday, on his last Sunday with us, Fr Paul Nener compared our beleaguered and isolated situation at St Faith’s with the ordeals of the subject of a dubious story which he recounted during the service. Those offended by it should seek recourse of the Liverpool Diocese – we all loved it.

A patient went back to his G.P. to see if his test results were in.
‘Yes,’ the doctor said, and I’m afraid it’s not good news.’
‘Well, what’s wrong with me?’ the anxious fellow asked.
‘You’ve got a bad case of HASH, said the doctor.
‘Whatever’s that?’ came the enquiry.
‘Well, you’re suffering from Hepatitis, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes.’
‘So what on earth happens now?’ the man asked.
‘You’ll be admitted to hospital and given a private room with a special diet.’
‘Oh well, that’s something – what is the diet?’ he enquired.
‘You’ll be fed smoked salmon and pancakes, he was told.
‘Why those especially?’

‘Ah, you see, they’re the only things we can slide under the door...
 



408  January 14th, 2014
To hell with the episcopate?


A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering
consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The
weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy
should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.

The curate thought that it was about time he did something
about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice:
"I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell.”

After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?"

"Just the same as here," was the reply. "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops."

From the magazine of St Mary’s, Davyhulme



407  January 17th, 2014

Many a True Word...?


St Gargoyles
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