bulletin

On this page we publish jokes, cartoons and oddities, with a Christian connection, as well as a few that aren't religious, but which caught the website manager's fancy. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise he would not have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint Faith's in general and the website manager in particular. It goes without saying that any perceived bias or incorrect thinking contained or implied by these various offerings in no way reflects the views of our church or any of its members... although many of them share this writer's unreconstructed sense of humour.

If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you would like to share, then please get in touch. Visitors are more than welcome to share, publish or plagiarise these items!

Apologies for any missing cartoons: blame managerial incompetence and supply your own drawings...

298 February 5th, 2012
Attenborough on 'Primates'

An unforgivable and scurrilous attack on our Archbishops, the role of women in the church and even the Papacy, in a YouTube video. Click HERE to be scandalised... and blame the man of the cloth who provided it...

297 February 1st, 2012
It's a Piece of Cake, Brother!

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were on a train journey together. The Jesuit pulled out a large fancy cake and cut it into two pieces: one large and one much smaller.. He handed the Franciscan the smaller piece.

‘I say,’ the humble brother exclaimed. You’ve given me the smaller piece!’

‘Well, what would you have done? asked the Jesuit.

‘I would have taken the smaller piece,’ the brother replied.

‘Well that’s all right then,; the Jesuit replied. ‘That’s what you’ve got!’

296 January 21st, 2012
The End of the Road

A local priest and a minister stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, ‘The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!’

They held up the sign as a car approached.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the driver as he sped by.

A moment later, from around the curve, they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said the priest thoughtfully, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge down' instead?"

Thanks again to Rick Walker

295 January 17th, 2012

'Songs my Mother taught me'

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning'.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    'You'd better pray that this will come out of the carpet'.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week'.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    'Because I said so, that's why'.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me'.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident'.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
    'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    'Shut your mouth and eat your supper'.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    'Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck'.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that soup is gone'.
11. My mother taught me about the WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it'.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world and I can take you out'.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do'.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home'.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way'.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up'.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father'.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a field?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand'.
and finally:-
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you'.

Internet circulation: thanks to Fiona Whalley

294 January 11th, 2012

To Spy (or not to Spy...?)

'The Oldie', January 2012

293 January 10th, 2012
It's a Cracker

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Mis. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and
wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves, and we begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Thanks to the Walkers for this one

289 December 6th, 2012
Parish Pat-Down?

'Sorry Mabel, you know the rules - no mobile devices
allowed on Church Quiz Nights!'

288 November 28th, 2011
The Children's Bible?

In Sunday School one morning young Joseph raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"There's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right," said his teacher." And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question, Joseph?"

"Well what were all the grown-ups doing?"

Parish Pump

287 November 14th, 2011
The Worm Turns

The vicar decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol; the second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke; the third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup and the fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the vicar reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - 'Dead'. The second worm in cigarette smoke - 'Dead'. The third worm in chocolate syrup - 'Dead'. The fourth worm in good clean soil - 'Alive!'

So he asked the congregation: 'What did you learn from this demonstration?'

A little old lady sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said: 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

(Internet circulation)

286 November 11th, 2011
Check, Mate!

'For God's sake, man. move - you haven't got all day!'

The Oldie, November 2011

285 November 5th, 2011
The Tale of the Flea

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.’

His son, waiting expectantly, asked: ‘And what happened to the flea?’

(An old one, but worth repeating)

284 November 3rd, 2011
Till Debt do us Part?

(Daily Telegraph, November 1st, 2011)

283 November 1st, 2011
To All Intents....

282. October 29th, 2011
'Out of the Mouths...'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, the little boy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

(Supplied by Ruth Winder)

281. October 26th, 2011
At the Final Whistle

'Father,' said the sick old lady, 'I have two final requests. First, I want to be cremated, and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over the Kop end at the Anfield stadium.'

'But why at Anfield?' the vicar asked. 'I didn't know you were a football supporter, let alone a Liverpool fan.'

'I.m not - but at least I'll be sure my children visit me once a fortnight during the season.'

(Still 'Vicar Joe'!)

280. October 22nd, 2011
Comings and Goings...

The little boy came home from church and asked his mother what the preacher had meant when he said: 'dust to dust, ashes to ashes.'

'It means we all come fropm dust and we shall all return to dust.

That night, the little boy shouted from his bedroom: 'Come quickly, Mummy, there's someone uinder my bed, either coming or going!'

(Vicar Joe's Religious Joke Book again)

279 October 15th, 2011
Dead End!

Daily Telegraph October 15th, 2011

278 October 13th, 2011

My Lord...?

A bishop, dressed in all his regalia, was visiting a primary school. 'I'll give 10p to the first boy or girl who can tell me who I am,' he declared.

A small boy put his hand up and said: 'Please sir, you are God.'

'No I'm not,' the bishop replied, 'but here's a pound.'

'Vicar Joe' again

277 October 8th, 2011

Hims for Her

One Sunday the vicar told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the collection plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the vicar glanced down and noticed that someone had placed £200 in the collection. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money on the plate.

A lady sitting at the back shyly raised her hand. The vicar asked her to come to the front and told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said: "I'll take him and him and him!"

(Vicar Joes' religious jokes book!)

276 October 5th, 2011
Wine, Women...?

He finally awoke when the band played the national anthem. As he focussed his eyes, he saw people getting to their feet and beheld a vision of beauty dressed in red across what he assumed was the dance floor. Going over to this vision, he said, 'Will you do me the honour of this dance?'

The reply came: 'I will not dance with you for three reasons. First, you are drunk. Secondly, it is not a dance, this is our national anthem. And thirdly, I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima.'

(Possibly a true story, posibly an urban myth...)

275 September 30th, 2011
Wine, Women and...

A young priest was at a civic function standing next to an older, rather miserable cleric. A waitress came round bearing a tray of glasses of wine.

The younger man took one and the waitress offered the tray to the older man.

He raised a stern hand and said: 'I'd rather commit adultery than let a sip of alcohol pass my lips.'

The young priest put his glass back on the tray, smiled at the waitress and said: 'I'm terribly sorry - I didn't realise there was a choice.'

From Vicar Joe's book of religious jokes

274 September 21st, 2011
Cross Purposes

The Oldie

273 August 9th, 2011
What... the Devil?

From the magazine of St Peter's, Formby

272 August 6th, 2011
Feeling the Heat

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They decided to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on the Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email off.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones..

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!

With thanks to Barbara Gleeson

271 August 4th, 2011
For Better....

The Oldie

270 July 30th
Till Death...

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan, so they opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died.

Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

(Sorry, but if folk will keep sending me tasteless jokes...)

269 July 28th
The Old Ones are the Best

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Amen

268 July 26th
Thoughts for Today

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Stop complaining about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay away from?

267 July 15th
Death Wish

'He's making a list of all those he doesn't want to see at his funeral'

The Oldie

266 June 28th, 2011

A Sign of the Times?

Not on their way to St Faith's, surely..?

265 June 21st, 2011

Scriptural Smiles Sustained

Supplied by Fr Neil Kelley

264 June 17th, 2011

Scriptural Smiles

Supplied by Fr Neil Kelley

263 June 12th, 2011
Anarchy, Anglican Style!

The Sunday Telegraph, June 12th, 2011

262 May 25th, 2011
I Confess...

An elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Thanks to Fiona Whalley

261 May 9th, 2011
Dear Me!

The vicar was visiting an elderly couple and noticed that the old man was unfailingly loving and affectionate to his wife, addressing her constantly as darling, love, sweetheart and the like.

When the grand old lady went out to get tea he couldn’t help but say: ‘You know, it’s not often I come across a husband as loving as you seem to be. After all these years it’s an inspiration to see such wonderful devotion.’

‘Wonderful devotion be blowed,’ the man replied. I forgot her name ten years ago and I’m too scared to ask her what it is!

Thanks to June Birch

260 May 6th, 2011
Going Down...

The Oldie

259 April 25th, 2011
Monkey Business

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and wonderful sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you because you're not a monk.' The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, amazingly enough, he same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monk again reply: 'We can't tell you because you're not a monk.'

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'

The monks reply: 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says: 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'

The monks reply: 'Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.' They lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk say: 'The sound is behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks: 'May I have the key?' The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Supplied by Margaret Davies. And a Happy Easter to all...

258 April 15th, 2011
Grin and Bare It?

The new vicar was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the collection was being counted the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10...'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

257 April 5th, 2011
All at Sea?

The vicar decided it was time to add a bit of life to his sermons, so he announced to his wife that next Sunday he was going to preach on the subject of sex. She was embarrassed and unhappy at the suggestion, but he was adamant, so she said she would miss that Sunday morning's service and go to evensong instead.

The vicar, not wanting to upset her, had second thoughts, and at the last minute, without telling her, decided to preach on the subject of sailing instead..

That evening, at church, his wife, curious to know how the morning had gone, asked a man how the morning sermon had gone down.

‘It went well,’ he replied, ‘but my experience was rather different from the vicar’s. I only tried it twice: the first time I was sick and the second time I fell off...’

With thanks to Mirfield ordinand Steve Holt!

256 April 1st, 2011
See the Tender Lamb Appear

An organist worked in various different churches filling in when the regular organist was away. At one funeral the family of the deceased provided him with a list of the hymns they had chosen, but left the incidental music to his discretion.

Among the pieces he chose was Bach’s ‘Sheep may safely graze’. After the service the officiating clergyman first complimented the organist on his playing, then asked whether he was aware of the former occupation of the deceased.

“No, I’m afraid not,” the organist replied.

“He was the village butcher”, said the vicar.

(St Mary's, Davyhulme, church magazine)

255. March 22nd, 2011
Going Up in the World?

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were paying their first visit to a big department store. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

Internet circulation: thanks to Fiona Whalley

254. March 18th, 2011
Having a Gay Day

You'll have to excuse Billy - he has deeply held religious views.

The Oldie (where else?)

253. February 22nd, 2011
The Priest and the Centipede

A priest decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The priest decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first b****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

With thanks to Mike Carr

252. February 18th, 2011
Coining it in Style

Another irreverent offering from The Oldie

251. February 16th, 2011
'Gathering Winter Fuel...'?

St Peter's Formby magazine again

250. February 14th, 2011
Taking Note of the Sermon

St Peter's Formby magazine

249 February 13th, 2011
'Out of the Mouths...'

A selection of schoolchildren’s writings.

In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country

The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his slay.

Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostridges until the war is over. Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.

I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.

The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.

If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air but they can hoover.

Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed Asians.

In geography we learned that countries with sea round them are islands and ones without seas are incontinents.

If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this.

In last year’s Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats.

A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed.

I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool, I don’t know any old men apart from grandpa.

Internet circulation... so they must be genuine.

248. February 4th, 2011
Getting to the Point

Dawkins must be stopped from calling us 'primitive'.
Get me a wax doll and some pins..

The Oldie

247. January 15th, 2011
Hot Topic?

'The Oldie' again

246. January 10th, 2011
Yule Keep it Quiet!

The Spectator

245. January 8th, 2011
'Why should the Devil have all the best tunes?'

'All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small... All things wise and wonderful...'

The Oldie

244. January 7th, 2011
The Tonsured Terrier

From The Oldie cartoon archive

243. January 5th, 2011
Following Yonder Satnav...?

243. December 26th, 2010
Credit Crunch Christmas

242. December 24th, 2010
Coalition Christmas

242. December 22nd, 2010
No Census Staying Here...?

241. December 7th,2010
Dish of the Day?

'Bring me the head of John the Baptist'

The Oldie, of course...

240. December 7th,2010
Devilishly Funny?

Q: Why should you take care never to stand behind Satan in a Post Office queue?

A: Because the devil takes many forms!

239. December 3rd,2010
Smashing Students!

Private Eye

238. November 22nd, 2010
Cool Clerics

The Oldie yet again

237. November 20th, 2010
Cracking the Code

The Oldie again

236. November 18th, 2010
Stairway to Heaven

The Oldie

235. November 1st, 2010
Amazing Grace

Young James and his family sat down to Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. When James received his plate he started eating right away.

“James! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say grace before eating at home.”

“That’s at our house,” James protested. “This is grandma’s house and she can cook!”

(With thanks to St Mar's Davyhulme)

234. October 18th, 2010
Sister Act

Sister Agatha and Sister Winifred went out together on a first expedition to learn the ancient art of golf. Neither, of course, was much good and they never managed to sink even a close putt.

Sister Agatha was patient and managed to control her frustration. Sister Winifred, however, got more and more angry and, on missing a sitter, yelled out, ‘Missed, God damn it!’

Sister Agatha was appalled at this blasphemy and told her to control her sacrilegious language. But at the next hole, when again she missed an easy putt, Sister Winifred let rip again with the same expletive.

‘You mustn’t be talking like that, Sister,’ Sister Agatha exclaimed, or God will surely strike you down!’

For while, Sister Winifred controlled herself, until the final hole, when yet again she misfired. ‘Missed, God damn it!’ she exclaimed.

And there came from heaven a crack of thunder, and a lightning bolt came down – and vapourised sister Agatha. And after the thunder and lightning there came a mighty voice from above.

‘Missed, God damn it!’

As recounted by Sandy Toksvig

233. October 15th, 2010
'For this relief'

Gladys Dunn was new to the area and decided to visit the church nearest to her new home. She enjoyed the service, the fine church and the lovely music by the choir, but the sermon that morning went on, and on, and on. Worse, it wasn’t even very interesting.

Glancing round, she saw more than one person in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over.

After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand, and said, ‘I’m Gladys Dunn.’

‘Me too!’ he replied.

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme, Manchester)

232. October 5th, 2010
Dead accurate for once?

262. September 30th, 2010
Vicarious Pleasure

The Times

261. September 18th, 2010
Buy me and Stop One...?

(Daily Telegraph, September 18th. Sorry about the caption.. deserving of condomnation?)