140.
November
`17th
Who
Does
What
A man and his wife were having an
argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him,
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
‘HEBREWS’
(internet circulation)
139.
November 16th
Bury
him Deep!
Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a
seafaring gent all his life and
a while before he passed away, he made his two god-fearing boys, Mick
and Paddy, promise to bury him at sea. In due course he did pass
away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded on to their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do you tink
dis is far enuff out, Paddy?" Without a word Paddy slips over the side,
only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick,
let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing, Paddy slips over the side again but the water
is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do you
tink dis is far enuff out then, Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the
side and almost immediately says, "No, dis'll neva do". The water was
only up to his neck.
So on they row and row and row into even deeper water, and finally
Paddy slips over the side - and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well, is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel?"
(Don't ask...!)
138.
November 12th
Cashing
in your Chips
This may come as a surprise to those of
you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic Churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino
chips rather than putting cash on the collection plate.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to deal with these offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby monastery for
sorting, then the chips are taken to the various casinos of origin and
cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks...!
(Yes,
it's
Ron
Crawley
again....)
137.
October 15th
Blindingly
Obvious...
I was listening to a lady who called a
radio station who had a minister
doing a phone-in session. The minister was a wise,
grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can
melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Father, I was
born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind
but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more
faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the
cane," he said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't
hurt!'"
136.
October
5th
The
Power
of
Prayer?
In a small U.S. Bible Belt
town, a business man started building a new strip club. The local
Baptist Church started a campaign of payeres and petitions to stop the
club from opening. A week before the planned opening, a lightning
strike hit the club and it burned to the ground.
The
church
folk
were
delighted
until
the
club
owner
sued
them
on
the
grounds
that
the
church
was
ultimately
responsible
for
the
demise
of
the
building,
either
through
direct
or
indirect
actions
or
means.
The church in response vehemently denied all responsibility or any
connection with the building's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge commented, 'I don't know
how I'm going to decide this, but from the paperwork, we have a strip
club owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
that doesn't!
(Meols Good News magazine)
135.
September
29th
Facing
up
to
the
end
A 45 year old woman had a
heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating
table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time
up?"
God
said,
"No,
you
have
another
43
years,
2
months
and
8
days
to
live."
Upon
recovery,
the
woman
decided
to
stay
in
the
hospital
and
have
a
face-lift,
liposuction,
breast
implants
and
a
tummy
tuck.
She
even
had
someone
come
in
and
change
her
hair
colour
and
brighten
her
teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she
might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was
released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving
in
front
of
God,
she
demanded,
"I
thought
you
said
I
had
another
43
years?
Why
didn't
you
pull
me
from
out
of
the
path
of
the
ambulance?"
God
replied:
"I
didn't
recognize
you."
(And another...)
134.
September
18th
Bless
You!
One
day
while
he
was
at
the
race
course
betting
on
the
horses
and
nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out
on to the track and blessed the forehead of one of the
horses lining up for the race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very
long shot - won the race.
Mitch
was
most
interested
to
see
what
the
priest
did
at the
next
race.
Sure
enough,
the
priest
stepped
out
onto
the
track
as
the
horses lined
up,
and
placed
a
blessing
on
the
forehead
of
one
of
the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a
small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot,
the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch
collected
his
winnings
and
anxiously
waited
to
see
which
horse
the priest
would
bless
for
the
next
race.
Once
again
the
priest
blessed
a
horse,
Mitch
bet
on
it,
and
it
won!
Mitch
was
elated!
As
the
day
went
on,
the
priest
continued
blessing horses, and
they
always
came
in
first.
Mitch
began
to
pull
in
some
serious
money,
and
by
the
last
race,
he
knew his
wildest
dreams
were
going
to come true, so he made
a quick stop at the cashy machine, withdrew his savings, and awaited
the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet
on.
True
to
his
pattern,
the
priest
stepped
out
onto
the
track
before
the
last race
and
this
time
blessed
the
forehead,
eyes,
ears,
and
hooves
of
one
of
the horses.
Mitch
bet
every
cent,
and
watched
with
great
excitement.
The
horse
come
in
dead
last.
Mitch
was dumbfounded.
He
made
his
way
to
the
track,
and
when
he
found
the
priest,
he demanded,
"What
happened,
Father?
All
day
long
you
blessed
horses
and
they
won.
That
last
race,
you
blessed
a
horse
and
he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've
lost all my savings!"
The
priest
nodded
wisely
and
said,
"That's
the
problem
with
you
Protestants
-
you
can't
tell
the
difference
between
a
simple
blessing
and the
Last
Rites!"
(An offering from Guffit)
133.
September
11th
Vive
la
Difference!
A
little
boy
was
walking
down
a
lane
after
church
one
Sunday
afternoon
when
he
came
to
a
crossroads
where
he
met
a
little
girl
coming
from
the
other
direction.
"Hello,"
said
the
little
boy.
"Hi,"
replied
the
little
girl.
"Where
are
you
going?"
asked
the
boy.
"I've
been
to
church
this
morning
and
I'm
on
my
way
home,”
answered
the
girl.
"Me
too",
replied
the
boy.
"I'm
also
on
my
way
home
from
church."
"Which
church
do
you
go
to?"
asked
the
little
boy.
"I
go
to
the
Baptist
church
back
down
the
road,"
replied
the
little
girl.
"What
about
you?"
"I
go
to
the
Methodist
church
at
the
top
of
the
hill,"
replied
the
little
boy.
They
discovered
that
they
are
both
going
the
same
way
so
they
decided
that
they'd
walk
together.
They
came
to
a
dip
in
the
road
where
spring
rains
had
partially
flooded
the
road
so
there
was
no
way
that
they
could
get
across
to
the
other
side
without
getting
wet.
"If
I
get
my
new
Sunday
dress
wet
my
Mum's
going
to
skin
me
alive,"
said
the
little
girl.
"My
Mum'll
tan
my
hide
too
if
I
get
my
new
Sunday
clothes
wet,"
replied
the
little
boy.
"I
tell
you
what
I
think
I'll
do,"
said
the
little
girl.
"I'm
going
to
take
off
all
my
clothes
and
hold
them
over
my
head
and
wade
across."
"That's
a
good
idea,"
replied
the
little
boy.
"I'm
going
to
do
the
same
thing
with
my
suit."
So
they
both
undressed
and
waded
across
to
the
other
side
without
getting
their
clothes
wet.
They
were
standing
there
in
the
sun
waiting
to
drip
dry
before
putting
their
clothes
back
on
when
the
little boy
finally remarked ...
"You
know,
I
never
did
realize
before
just
how
much
difference
there
really
is
between
a
Baptist
and
a
Methodist.'
(Ron Crawley strikes again)
132.
September
6th
In
the
Beginning...
God creates man - soon Adam
is complaining that he's all alone in the
Garden of Eden.
God says, "I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature
who'll cook
and clean for you, it will be able to converse intelligently on any
subject and will never ever complain or argue".
Adam says, "That sounds great".
God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a
leg".
Adam says, "Wow, that's expensive! what can I get for a
rib...?'
(This one from Kevin Walsh. He's not
really sexist...)
131.
September
2nd
Worth
the
Sacrifice...?
(Supplied
by Ron Crawley, to whom all fatwahs should be addressed)
130.
August
31st
What's
in
a
Name?
A burglar broke into a house
one night. As he was stuffing valuables
into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark,
saying, ‘Jesus is watching you!’ The burglar froze, petrified.
When nothing happened for a bit, he shook his head and
carried on
burgling. Suddenly he heard the message again: ‘Jesus is watching you!’
Frantically he shone his torch around, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam came to rest on a
parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the bird.
‘Yep,’ confessed the parrot, and squawked, ‘I’m just trying
to warn you
that he’s watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? And just who do you
think you are?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed derisively. ‘What kind of
people would
name a bird Moses.’
‘The kind of people who would name their rottweiler Jesus…’
(With thanks to Corinne
Hedgecock for this one )
129.
August
30th
Pretty
Please!
...OK... if I promise no-one will sit in your pew, we will only
use the 1662 Prayer Book,
only read from the Authorised Version, only sing the old hymns to
the old tunes
and I never preach a long sermon... then will you come back to Church?
('Parish
Pump')
128.
August
28th
A
Cut
above
the
Average...
A
rabbi,
a
priest,
and
a
minister
have
their
houses
of
worship
side
by
side,
so
they
decide
to
have
a
car-share
routine.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the vicar lay hands
on the bonnet and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The vicar looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his
church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of
it on to the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and he runs into his synagogue, and he
emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the end of the exhaust
pipe.
(Ron Crawley is
back!
127.
August
12th
Ex
Cathedra?
('Private
Eye'
bids
farewell
to
the
outgoing
incumbent!)
126.
August
11th
What's
in
a
name?
A priest and
lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The priest replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I
let it go."
Back to the usual source...!
125. July 31st
A
rose
by
any
other
name...?
'Er...sorry about this - but I think I
completely misunderstood you on the
telephone when you called to ask permission to hold a
flower festival in
church...'
St
John the Baptist, Meols, parish magazine
124. July 26th
Here
Endeth?
Just as the vicar began his sermon, the electricity in the church
failed. The sidesmen found some candles and placed them around the
sanctuary.
The vicar re-entered the pulpit, shuffled his notes and muttered, “Now,
where was I?”
In the dark at the back of the church, a voice called out, “Right near
the end!"
(Guffit again!)
123. July 17th
The
Long
Trip
A vicar waited in a long queue of cars to get petrol just before a long
bank holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of the
priest. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The priest chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
With thanks to Guffitt
122.
July
12th
Breaking
In
-
To
A
Laugh
A burglar goes to a house late at night, breaks in and
starts robbing it. He is just getting going when he hears a voice say
"Jesus is watching you." He stops for a minute, but soon continues on.
Again he hears "Jesus is watching you." He discovers the speaker is a
large parrot. He smiles to himself and continues on, a third time the
parrot says the same thing.
Frustrated the burglar turns around and says, "Be quiet you dumb
parrot! What's your name anyhow?" The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar laughs, "What kinda people name their bird Clarence?"
"The same kind who name their rottweiler Jesus!"
Internet source
121.
July
10th
The
Last
Laugh
A priest on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his
lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed
and hold his hands.
They sat in this manner for a long time until finally the doctor spoke
up and said "I don't think you've got much time left in this world,
Father. You'd better tell us why you asked us to come."
The old priest stirred himself and said, with a wheeze, "Well, the
Bible says Jesus died between two thieves, and I've decided that's the
way I'd like to go, too."
Internet source
120. July 3rd
Return
to
Sender?
A
father
was
at
the
beach
with
his
children
when
the
four-year-old
son
ran
up
to
him,
grabbed
his
hand,
and
led
him
to
the
shore
where
a
seagull
lay
dead
in
the
sand.
‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ he asked.
‘Well, he died and went to heaven,’ the father replied.
The boy thought for a moment and then asked: ‘Why did God throw him
back down?’
From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme
119. June 26th
Not
the
Watchtower
This
Time!
(internet
provenance)
118. June 24th
The
Last
Laugh
(Matt confronts the - allegedly! - racist comedian with a black
St Peter. He's probably meant to look Jewish as well...)
117.
June
9th
Not
Worth
the
Risk
An elderly husband and wife took a
holiday in Jerusalem, whilst there, the wife unfortunately passed away.
The local undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
for £2500 or you can bury her here for £150". The man
thought about and told the undertaker that he wished to have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why spend £2500 to have her shipped home
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost
£150".
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, three days
later he rose from the dead, I just can't take that risk...'
With thanks to Kevin
Walsh
116. June 5th
Guess
Who's
Coming
to
Dinner?
With thanks to Joyce Jones for this unseasonal offering
115. June 2nd
The
Serpent's
Tail
Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to 'go
forth and multiply!'
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are
two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them: 'Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and
multiply.'
'We can't,' said the snakes. 'We're adders.'
Another chestnut from Guffit
114.
June
1st
A
Right
Load
of
Crooks
(From
'The Oldie' magazine)
113.
May
20th
The
Pope
spells
it
out
There was a Pope who was
greatly loved by all of his followers, he was a man who led with
gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was mourned by the entire
world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of
heaven, it was no less than St
Peter who welcomed him with a firm embrace. "Welcome, your holiness,
your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during
your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through
the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of
heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own
discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without
prior appointment. Is there anything your holiness desires ?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I
have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the
ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual
conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see
what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St Peter immediately ushered the
Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled
and settled down to review the history of mans relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish
from the library pierced the halls
and rooms of heaven.
Immediately numerous saints and
angels came running. There they found
the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and
over....
"There's an 'R'!, there IS an 'R'
!! the word is celibRate !"
(Kevin
Walsh apologises for this one)
112.
May
19th
Every
One
a
Winner...?
Joe
finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's
in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask
God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my
business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lottery".
Lottery night comes and somebody
else wins it. Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the
lottery! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lottery night comes and Joe still
has no luck. Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, and
my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me
win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash
of light as the heavens open and Joe
is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE
... BUY A TICKET!"
(another
ancient
one
from
Ron...)
111. May 13th
Come back
Tony, all is forgiven...?
(an old cartoon recycled for the occasion.
Submissions featuring David
Cameron, etc, always welcome)
110. May 5th
The Old
Ones Are The Best.....
Lost
on
a
rainy
night,
a
nun
stumbles
across
a
monastery
and
requests
shelter
there.
Fortunately,
she's
just
in
time
for
dinner
and
is
treated
to
the
best
fish
and
chips
she
had
ever
tasted.
After
dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by
two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am
brother Michael, and this is Brother
Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you,"
replies the nun. "I just wanted to
thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've
ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm
the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and
says “then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
(so you've heard it before...?)
109. May 1st
Keeping
Death Off the Roads
A group of very senior retired
clergymen was sitting around talking
about their ailments:
“My arms are so weak I can hardly
hold this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so
bad I can’t even see my coffee,”
replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of
the arthritis in my neck,” said a
third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me
dizzy,” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay
for getting old,” winced an old vicar
as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of
silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one
man cheerfully. “Thank God we can
all still drive!”
(Supplied by ‘Guffitt’)
108. April 28th
Thou Shalt
Not.....
(Courtesy of 'the Oldie' magazine)
107. April 21st
A Marriage
made in Heaven...
On
their
way
to
a
church
to
get
married,
a
couple
had
a
fatal
car
accident.
They
found
themselves
sitting
outside
Heaven's
gate
waiting
for
St.Peter
to
meet
them.
While
waiting,
they
wondered
if
they
could
possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally turned up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I
don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find
out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a
couple of months...and
they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what
with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they
wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month,
looking some what
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in
Heaven."
"Great,” said the couple, "but what if things
don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard
onto the ground. "What's
wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three
months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a
lawyer?"
(yet another groaner from
Ron Crawley)
106. April 12th
The Peace
of Cod that Passeth all Understanding?
Far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being
harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and
lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his
old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin
didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod
again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back
into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and,
lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail (not a prawn cocktail).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set off to
Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed...I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".
(an ancient, fishy tale from
Ron Crawley)
105. April
5th
Candid
Camera!
Peter Stokes, of
St Faith's, Harborne, Birmingham has supplied me with a link to a page
on the ubiquitous 'youtube' website.
CLICK HERE for a
selection of church mishaps!
104. April 4th
Taking
the......?
Sister Mary, who worked as a District Nurse, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck
would have it, a petrol station was just around the corner. She walked
there to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol, but the attendant
told her that the only can he owned had been lent out, but she could
wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car. She looked for something to fill with
petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to her patient. Always
resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the garage, filled it with
petrol, and carried the full pan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: 'If it
starts I'm turning Catholic!'
(Thanks again to Ron Crawley)
103. March 31st
How Moses
got the 10 Commandments....
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will
make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested"
God went to the Africans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father
and Mother. "
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not
steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
(Ron Crawley again: he thinks it ought to offend just about
everybody...!)
102. March 28th
'Where Did You Get That Hat?
An elderly chap was upset having lost his favourite hat, so,
instead of buying a new one, he decided to go into a nearby church and
steal one from the cloakroom area. When he got there he was
intercepted by a sidesperson and ushered to a pew were he sat for the
entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
At the end of the service the man heartily shook the hand of the
priest saying ‘I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came
here to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon I decided against
it.’ The priest said, ‘Was it the commandment, “Thou shall not
steal” that changed your mind?’
‘No,’ the man replied. ‘It was the one about adultery. As soon as
you said that, I remembered where I'd left my hat.’
(This one is Kevin Walsh's fault)
A Second Clanger!
