Curiouser and Curiouser

One of the features of our parish magazine, Newslink, is the reproducing of some of the sillier articles published in the national and local press. Some of these have a religious content, others do not - but what they mostly have in common is the reporting of some of the excesses of our society in general, and, sometimes,  the creed of political correctness in particular. Yet others take a wry look at the world of computers: others the absurdities of the current Health and Safety culture, or the curse of the call centre....

It goes without saying that these items do not necessarily represent the official views of the Church of England, or of St Faith's , but merely reflect the views of the website manager and the many readers who have provided many of them or expressed their apporoval of their inclusion.

This page is building into an archive of the absurd, and you are invited to enjoy it. The articles are where possible attributed to their papers and writers of origin. The website manager, who as magazine editor is responsible for (guilty of?) anthologising and commenting on much of what appears below, welcomes any contributions from connoisseurs of the curious who may visit these pages. Vistors to this page are welcome to make use of any material, with appropriate acknowledgment.

The latest discovery is added immediately below: Earlier items follow.


Christmas Cheer!

As Christmas approached, those whose gallant and tireless efforts seek to protect us from ourselves have been as busy as ever.
Four more for the collection….

A town’s 400-year Christmas custom of firing muskets into the sky has been banned because of fears that the noise will scare children.

Wimborne Council in Dorset has told the town’s Militia, which re-enacts traditions dating back to the 17th century, that it can no longer fire muskets over the Christmas tree. They said that the noise of the blank shots would be too loud for children and would keep families away from the annual event to mark the switching of the lights.

Plans for Christmas trees in the streets of Llandovery, Carmarthenshire, have been cancelled, after local volunteers were told that they risked breaking health and safety rules if they climbed ladders to put them up.

In previous years, a contractor, using a cherrypicker, fixed about 60 trees to ledges over shop fronts and above the market hall. Now councillors and volunteers have been told that they cannot use ladders to pout up the decorations.

Carol-singing Brownies and Guides have been banned from a shopping centre because they are considered a health and safety risk.

The girls, who range from the age of five to teenagers, have sung for pensioners and disabled people at a late-night Christmas shopping event in Hemel Hempstead for more than 20 years.

But the centre’s managers have not invited the Rainbows, Brownies and Guides back this year for fear the girls will obstruct fire escape routes.

A charity raft race that has never suffered an accident in its 27-year history has been scrapped because of the health and safety demands of police and council risk assessors.

The authorities demanded that competitors wear £35 seagoing life jackets and that lavatories for the disabled were provided, and suggested that the course should be fenced to stop spectators falling in.

The organiser of the River Rother race said: ‘It’s a race in which people build rafts, float them down the river, have lots of fun and generally get wet, because water is wet. But so many conditions have been imposed on us that we have decided to call it a day. We have always insisted that competitors wear buoyancy aids but we are told that this is not good enough even though all people are doing is paddling a raft down a ditch.’

(November 29th, 2008)

No Shocks for Anglicans?

From the Daily Telegraph, an unfailing source of offbeat and entertaining religious news stories.

“Faith in God can relieve pain, according to the results of a scientific experiment. Research at Oxford University has found that believers can draw on their religion to endure suffering with greater fortitude, suggesting that Christian martyrs may have been able to reduce the agony of torture or slow death.

Academics gave electric shocks to 12 Roman Catholics and 12 atheists as they studied a 17th century picture of the Virgin Mary. They found that the Catholics seemed able to block out much of the pain. Brain scans also showed that the Roman Catholics were able to activate part of the brain associated with conditioning the experience of pain.

The Anglican Bishop of Durham welcomed the findings but said they were ‘no surprise’. He said: ‘The practice of faith should, and in many cases does, alter the person you are.’”

Fascinating. All it needs now is to electrocute a dozen Anglicans, and perhaps as many Nonconformists, to confirm the results. It would also be good to know whether agnostics felt half the pain… Ed

(September 29th, 2008)

Mecca and Mickey

Public conveniences are being specially designed at London’s Olympic Park so that Muslims will not have to face Mecca while sitting on the lavatory.
(Daily Telegraph)

A Saudi cleric has condemned Mickey Mouse as un-Islamic. Sheikh Mohammed all-Munajid said all mice were impure and must be killed, and accused the Disney character of teaching children that mice were loveable. ‘The mouse is one of Satan’s soldiers and is steered by him,’ said the former Saudi diplomat on local TV. ‘Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character even though, according to Islamic law, Mickey should be killed.’
(The Week)

(September 28th, 2008)

Would you believe it...?

Four more choice examples of the lunacy of the age, with references to our favourite hobby horses: health and safety, C.R.B. checks and risk assessments. All come from the Daily Telegraph (but don’t blame them for the ‘headlines’!)

Vicar Unhorsed by Health and Safety

A village festival in which a swashbuckling hero rides through the street is under threat after insurers said the character must walk instead – to protect him from falling off his horse.

For 44 years villagers in Dymchurch, Kent, have celebrated Dr Syn – a quiet vicar by day and a heroic smuggler by night – created by local author Russell Thorndike. Dr Syn galloped through seven novels, donning a scarecrow disguise to fool excisemen and soldiers as he and his band brought food to starving villagers.

For 44 years a local resident has dressed up on the splendidly-named ‘Day of Syn’ to celebrate the local hero. Not any more. The chairman ruefully commented: ‘For 44 years Dr Syn has burst into the festival on horseback. When he makes his entrance people are truly overwhelmed. But this time he had to walk. It just wasn’t the same. This year the insurers just did not want to know because they said riding a horse was a ‘severe’ health and safety risk…’

One Man Didn’t Go to Mow

A council has claimed that it was too dangerous to mow a patch of grass after an 11-year-old boy slipped and cut his leg on glass in the long undergrowth.

When his mother rang Trafford Borough Council to ask them to mow the grass to protect other children, an official told her it would remain untouched because it was considered a hazard under health and safety regulations – and workers might hurt themselves, leading to possible legal action.

Bin There, Done That…

Fylde and Wyre Councils in Lancashire have been accused of wasting taxpayers’ money by making a pointless DVD showing people how to put rubbish in their bins.

To a backing theme of synthesizer music, the film shows a man walking out of his house and setting a green bin firmly on the kerb while a blonde woman carefully drops a bag of household rubbish in a wheelie bin. A woman called Linda is shown searching through one lady’s bin and dragging out an empty cereal box to tell her it could have been recycled with paper. Other invaluable advice offered includes the fact that a twig can be classed as garden waste, while something larger, ‘like a door frame’, could not.

The TaxPayers’ Alliance commented: ‘These DVDs are a complete waste of money and are sure to end up going in the bin…’


Penguins and Paedophiles

Council staff at Telford and Wrekin Council have been ordered to stop and question adults walking in a public park who are not with children.

People out for a stroll or walking their dog could be asked just why they are in the park and placed under suspicion of being paedophiles.

The policy came to light after two environmental campaigners dressed as penguins were thrown out of Telford town park as they handed out leaflets on climate change. They were told they had to leave because they had not undergone Criminal Records Bureau checks or risk assessments before being allowed near children.   

(Daily Telegraph news items: added September 13th, 2008)

Hoist by their own...


"More on the perils of the interweb-thingie. The American Family Association (AFA) is a right-wing Christian fundamentalist pressure group that deplores modern moral mores. One of the things that really gets its goat is the use of the word ‘gay’ by, well, gays.

So the news section of the AFA’s website has been set up to automatically replace the word ‘gay’ with ‘homosexual’ wherever it occurs. What could possibly go wrong? Well, as anyone taking a passing interest in last month’s Olympic Games will be aware, one of the fastest men in the world is an American sprinter called Tyson Gay. Before the Games began, an article about Mr Gay’s successes on the track caused the AFA website’s auto-correction function to spring into action:

“Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 metres faster than anyone ever has… ‘It means a lot to me,’ the 25-year-old Homosexual said. ‘I’m glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me.’

Indeed."

(reproduced as printed in ‘The Oldie’ magazine, August 2008, to whom anyone offended rather than delighted by this wonderful true story should complain)

Dear Sir...

Recently, a long-running correspondence in The Daily Telegraph featured real people whose names gave rise to comical misunderstandings or which occasioned a variety of other flippant responses. For those who, like the editor, find such things amusing, a selection appears below. Then first four have a religious flavour; the rest are ones which raised a special smile, once the editor had worked them out…


Sir, Imagine our delight at school near Bristol when our dear Rev Mr Ball was made a Canon.
Eleanor Norman, Hamoon, Dorset

Many years ago the telephone rang on Christmas Day in the porters’ lodge at Jesus College, Cambridge.
‘Hello, is that Jesus?’ asked the undergraduates on the line.
‘Yes,’ said the hapless porter.
They started singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
Jeremy Havard, London SW3

Sir, my wife’s cousin, whose name is Berry, is an Elder at his local church.
Les Wray, Rainton, North Yorkshire

Sir, we arranged for the order of service at my mother’s funeral to end with the not unusual phrase, ‘Requiescat in pace’. Mourners at Brompton Oratory were probably surprised to find that, far from wanting to rest in  peace, my mother’s dying wish was, ‘Requires a cat’.
Christopher Batchelor, Penrith, Cumbria

Sir, When I met my wife 42 years ago she was Sandy Jefferies.
Mike Beech, Wokingham, Berkshire

Sir, my paternal aunt never married.
Anthony Leeding, Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex

Sir, I became aware of an electricity linesman at work who signed safety permits as R. Safter. His colleagues referred to him as ‘Headfirst’.
John Pointer, Pitlochry, Perthshire

August 9th, 2008

More Madness...

Fit for Purpose?

A mother has been told that she cannot escort her own son to school until she is screened by the Criminal Records Board (CRB). Jayne Jones used to take her son, who suffers from epilepsy, to school in a taxi carrying specialist equipment in case he suffered a fit en route. But Merthyr Tydfil Council, which provides the taxi service, has now told her this will have to stop until she gets a CRB check. The council says it is a standard requirement.

Hopping Mad

A primary school in Tyne and Wear has decided to drop the three-legged and sack races from its sports day on safety grounds. "We thought we'd do better having hopping and running instead as there is less chance of them falling over," said an organiser.

Beating about the Bush

A council which plans to prune rose bushes in a notorious gay 'cruising' spot has been accused of discriminating against homosexuals. Bristol City Council had wanted to spruce up an area above the Avon Gorge known as the Downs, but the Rainbow Group of lesbian, gay and bisexual council employees says that the proposed changes would represent a threat to gay rights.

All White on the Night...?

When Jonathan Wicks, 20, was told to move on by three white security guards during a night out in Reading, he mocked them for being "honky wannabe cops". Wicks, too, is white, but he was promptly arrested and charged with racial abuse. "It was in jest," he explained. "But they took it very seriously."

(All from the excellent 'Spirit of the Age' collection in recent editions of 'The Week')

July 22nd, 2008

A Superior Senior Moment

THE TIMES  Letter of the Year
 
All those infuriated by call centres, anonymous automated replies and the like are invited to enjoy this item, supplied by Fiona Whalley. A lady of 98 actually wrote this letter to her bank.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and the newspaper thanked him most sincerely.
 
Dear Sir,
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.  You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
 
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,  re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
 
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and 1iabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:
 
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.  A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
 
Your Humble Client

July 15th, 2008

A Collection of Crazy Cuttings
An assortment of recent absurdities...

Sorry old fruit, 1mm to small

A greengrocer has been banned from selling Chilean kiwi fruit because they are one millimetre too small. He was not even permitted to give away the 5,000 kiwis and would lose several hundred pounds because of the ban.

Inspectors from the Rural Payments Agency, an arm of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, made a random check and found that a number of kiwis weighed 58g, four grams below the minimum – the equivalent of just a millimetre in diameter.

The market trader guilty of this unpardonable crime claimed that the Europe-wide regulation was enforced with unusual rigour in Britain. ‘There is not a level playing field. This fruit will now go to waste at a time when we are all feeling the pinch.’

Not flying the flag

The mayor of Maidstone has been banned from flying the town’s flag on her official car because it might fall off.

The decision has been made on health and safety grounds amid fears that the crest – all of eight inches high and four across – could pose a danger to other road users. However, officials at the town hall admitted that they could think of no previous occasion when a flag had become detached from the chauffeur-driven Lexus.

Get off your bike, bobby!

A village policeman has been banned from riding his bicycle on duty until he passes a cycling test.

Nick Barker patrolled the Kent countryside by bike until senior officers realised he had not completed his Basic Police Cycle Skills Test. He had been riding a bike since he was a boy, but now has to travel between the villages he patrols by bus and then walk several miles to reach outlying houses and farms.

A policeman who has passed the test said it involved ‘going around cones, like on a cycling proficiency course at school’. He also learned ‘how to cycle down steps at speed and how to dismount from a bike quickly to apprehend a suspect.’

(All as reported in the Daily Telegraph)

Branching out

Homeowners face having to pay specialists to inspect the trees in their gardens every three years under proposals drawn up by the British Standards Institution. The aim is to avert the danger of ‘branch shedding’ and ‘whole tree failure’ which account for around six deaths in the UK each year. By contrast, more than 4,000 people a year are killed by accidents in their homes.

Brain death

Tunbridge Wells Borough Council has banned the use of the word ‘brainstorming’ from use in meetings, in case it causes offence to epileptics and the mentally unstable. ‘We take diversity awareness very seriously,’ said a council spokesman. ‘Staff have been asked to use the term “thought showers” instead.’

(These two from the ‘Spirit of the Age’ column in ‘The Week’)

June 29th, 2008

'To drink or not to drink...?'

A vigilant reader of The Oldie magazine spotted this entertaining contradiction outside Tyneham Chuch in Dorset



(April 10th, 2008)

Telegraph Trivia

Thanks to the reporters of the Daily Telegraph, three fine reports from the same issue, that of February 22nd, 2008. The writer of the third item seemed unaware of the black humour in the final sentence!

Vacuous Volumes

I am happy to have discovered  the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for the Oddest Title of the Year, winners of which have just been announced. Here are some of the best, and at the end, two previous winners.


Firemen can't stand Smoke

Fireman have been banned from carrying out home safety checks unles smokers agree to stub out their cigarettes first, it has been claimed.

New rules state that people who request home visits from  the London Fire Brigade must stop smking an hour prior to the appointment and thoroughly ventilate the building to comply with the wprkplace smoking ban...

Clamping Down on Undertakers

Undertakers who left their hearse unattended momentarily while they made funeral preparations were 'disgusted' to find it had been clamped.

The hearse was left in a private car park while staff checked coffin and flower arrangements in a nearby chapel. They returned to find their hearse and limousine clamped and with yellow tickets on the windscreen. They were told they had to pay £200, but were later let off.

A witness declared: 'The undertakers were just mortified...'

(February 22nd, 2008)


All is forgiven Father!


Forgiven at last!

From the Church Times (reported in The Guardian) comes a touching story about the quality of mercy – 70 years on.

In 1938 a 14 year-old youngster called Dennis Hibbert  as playing cricket for Kimberley Institute Cricket Club when he jeered at a fielder who let a ball through his legs. The report does not specify the offensive language used, but this writer recalls another report saying that young Hibbert unforgivably called his colleague a ‘silly fat fool’.

Whatever the wording, it was sufficient to have him banned from the ground. Seventy years later, the now Revd Dennis Hibbert, now 84 and a retired Nottinghamshire vicar, attended a funeral tea in the pavilion last autumn and was reminded that the ban had never been rescinded.

‘I said I was only banned from cricket matches, I wasn’t banned from funeral teas,’ he told the paper. ‘There are very few people who have been banned for 70 years from anything. But now I’ve been purged from my sins and admitted back.’

St Faith’s footnote.  Much nearer home, a previous incumbent of this parish was, allegedly, sent off from a neighbourhood sports field by a rugby referee – who may well not have been aware of the incumbent’s identity - for violent behaviour on the field of play, with (allegedly) the immortal words: ‘Get off, get off, you b****y animal!’ This writer was not present, so cannot vouch for the truth of this scandalous story. But if it is true, it puts Mr Hibbert’s words and offence well and truly in the shade. For such behaviour (if it ever took place) a ban not for seventy years but for seventy times seven would seem appropriate....

(January 22nd, 2008)
 

PC Watch – Dormouse Conservation Time!

 
Bath and North East Somerset council are planning to hire a part-time, £21,000-a-year dormouse conservation officer.
 
They wish to ‘identify dormouse heritage’, they plan to hold ‘dormouse-related activities’ and – best of all – to promote ‘intellectual access’ to dormice.

Comment seems almost superfluous in this Alice in Wonderland situation. The Dormouse at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party (probably held in Somerset) was more notable for its sleepiness than its intellect, but when responsibility for the environment is on the political agenda common sense takes a back seat. This writer can only hope that the dormice of Bath and district appreciate the gesture and don’t, like the predictably scornful members of the opposition parties on the council, share the absurd belief that the money being spent on their behalf by a ‘wildly over-budget council’ would be better spent on schools and hospitals…



Coo! Fancy that!

 

‘A hospital has banned visitors from ‘cooing’ over new-born babies to protect their dignity and parents’ right to confidentiality.’

Thus The Daily Telegraph recently. Apparently a Halifax hospital issues visitors with cards, purporting to come from a baby, asking visitors to treat his or her personal space with consideration. ‘I deserve to be left undisturbed and protected against unwanted public view’, it states.

One mother understandably brands the idea as ludicrous. ‘If people did not ask me about my baby I would be offended. I imagine all new mums feel that way.’
 
But the hospital’s neo-natal manager has the last, politically correct word. ‘Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you or me.’



‘You’ll Never Squawk Alone’

 
The fashion for punning newspaper headlines (not unknown in this publication) can be tiresome, but when the Daily Telegraph came up with this one on October 25th, 2005 all is, as they say, forgiven.

By the time this issue is in print, the story it headed will probably be forgotten, but it should not be allowed to pass without some memorial. It is a matter of fact that the discovery of a foetus in an Anfield street led to the rapid accumulation of flowers, teddy bears and mawkish messages in a style well-known to everyone who is familiar with Liverpool’s instant shrine tendency. The foetus, presumed to be that of an aborted child, was commended to the arms of Jesus and its hapless mother was begged to come forward and be helped and forgiven.

Only later, and on examination, was the truth revealed, and the police forced to issue a statement to the effect that the object was in fact the foetus of a chicken, whose mother is of course now extremely unlikely to come forward. Just how something so tiny could have been mistaken for its human equivalent is not clear, but naturally enough the media seized on the story with delight. Every variety of chicken and egg joke and headline appeared, but for sheer delight nothing can beat the one at the head of this item. 

 


P.C. Year

No, not a reference to the amount of time the editor spends more or less shackled to his Personal Computer, but a few extracts from a recent newspaper compilation of some of the choicer examples of Political Correctness and allied social absurdities encountered during 2005. The paper is, needless to say, the Daily Telegraph, scourge of trendy excesses and the despair or liberals. Here are a few choice selections with which to bid 2005 farewell.



Oddly Enough

Two more entertaining examples of the comical extremes of 'correct thinking' under which we suffer. Both are from that bastion of unreconstructed thinking, the Daily Telegraph.

School Play Romeos face ban on kissing

Romeo will no longer be allowed to seal his love for Juliet with 'a righteous kiss' or, indeed, any kiss at all, under new guidelines for school plays drawn up by the Welsh Assembly.

The advice, which could soon be extended to the rest of the UK, says love scenes between pupils should 'stop at a peck on the cheek to protect youngsters from abuse.'

It goes on: 'Drama teachers must cut or adapt plays if they have to in order to protect children. They should not rely on arguments about the artistic integrity of the text.'

The writer of the article quotes two crucial moments in Shakespeare's great love story. Ending the balcony scene, Romeo tells Juliet: 'Farewell, farewell! One kiss and I'll descend.' And in the play's tragic climax, Julie, suiting the action to the words, says to her dead lover: 'I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison yet doth hang on them.'

In neither case, says Education Editor John Clare, does a peck on the cheek seem to meet the case. Indeed not - but then who cares about artistic integrity when the sacred cow of child protection is let loose?

Nurse struck off over eye joke

In a further fatuous example of the way of our modern world, a nurse who put a patient's glass eye in a colleague's drink for a joke was struck off by the Nursing and Midwifery Council. The hapless nurse, late of Newcastle's Royal Victoria infirmary, says she had sought the patient's permission before borrowing the offending eye, but was nevertheless told that she had 'compromised the dignity' of her patients, and suffered disbarment accordingly. No wonder there is a shortfall of nurses when those who decide their destiny have such a shortfall of humour.



P.C. Peculiarities

A selection of recent bizarre stories from our PC-conscious modern world, with thanks to the excellent ‘The Week’ periodical

Would Yew believe It?

A council that spent £5,000 planting a row of yew trees last year is digging them up again in case children are poisoned by their leaves. Bristol County Council planted 100 yews to create a border between a café and a children’s play area. However, a risk assessment later concluded that the trees should be pulled up because, if eaten in sufficient quantity, the leaves can cause vomiting. A council spokesman admitted that this was extremely unlikely to happen as the leaves tasted ‘foul’, but said, predictably, that it was better to be safe than sorry. However did those of us brought up in the country survive all those venerable yew trees in our churchyards? Should they now all be pulled up too?

Getting to the Bottom of  Things

A National Health Service Trust in Dundee has issued a four-page leaflet containing helpful tips for going to the lavatory. The leaflet, which bears the unforgettable title of ‘Good Defecation Dynamics’, comes with explanatory pictures and contains advice such as: ‘When you sit on the toilet make sure your feet are well-supported’; ‘Do not slump down but keep the normal curve in your back’; and finally, ‘Don’t forget to breathe’. It’s good to be able to reflect, when in the smallest room, that our taxes are being so well spent.

Railway Letters

Railway bosses may have to withdraw a fleet of 29 trains because the letters on their information screens are a whole 3 mm too small. Government advisers (who of course have nothing better to do) say the South West Trains carriages must be scrapped because their in-carriage LED screens don’t comply with disability regulations. Thousands of commuters on the Waterloo to Reading line will simply have to cram on to shorter trains…

One for the Road

And finally, drunks and criminals are being offered free taxi rides home from police stations, lest they get injured making their own way home. Surrey police alone have spent £9,000 on taxis in the past twelve months, rather than face compensation claims.

June 1st, 2006


Spirit of the Age

Killing the Dragon

A pub landlady was interrogated by the police after using a Welsh flag as target practice. She invited 40 locals, some of them Welsh, to the New Inn at Wedmore in Somerset for a St George’s Day archery competition. But afterwards she was questioned on suspicion of inciting racial hatred. ‘We searched high and low for a dragon to use as the target,’ she later explained, ‘but the only one I could find was on a Welsh flag…’

What the Bard really meant to say

Schoolchildren are studying ‘accessible’ versions of Shakespeare’s plays, says the ‘Daily Mail.’ In one GCSE guide, Lady Macbeth’s rebuke to her husband: ‘Was the hope drunk, wherein you dress’d yourself?’ is succinctly rephrased as ‘Cowardy custard!’ And instead of saying: ‘Turn, hell-hound, turn!’ Macduff says: ‘Prepare to die, squid-for-brains!’

A Load of Rubbish?

The Isle of Lewis, in the Outer Hebrides, has experienced its first ever traffic jam. The usually empty roads became gridlocked after the council announced that it was giving away free 330-litre plastic bins to encourage home composting. Within a few hours, all 4,000 bins on offer had been snapped up. .The last thing I want this for is composting,’ one islander said. ‘I want mine to store sheep feed.’

June 27th 2006: various sources



Cars and Computers

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $50 cars that do 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments General Motors issued a press release stating: " If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash... sometimes twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, re-start it and re-open the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

(December 8th, 2006: Supplied by Fr Peter Cavanagh)


Oddities for the Old Year's Ending

A guide to some of the surprising – and downright bewildering – decisions made by Britain’s bureaucrats this past year

West Midlands: A church was told it must pay for planning permission to put a cross in its grounds, because it counted as advertising. Dudley Wood Methodist Church, in the West Midlands, was charged £75 by the council.

Somerset: When Max Foster saw two youths stealing his motorbike in Bath he rang the police - only to be told that officers could not give chase because the thieves weren't wearing helmets. "They said they might get sued if the kids fell off and hurt themselves," said Foster, 18.

Dundee: An NHS trust in Dundee issued a four-page leaflet with helpful tips for going to the lavatory. The leaflet, entitled Good Defecation Dynamics, featured pictures, and advice such as: "When you sit on the toilet, make sure your feet are well supported"; "Do not slump down"; and finally, "Don't forget to breathe".

Edinburgh: When Mel Smith toured Britain in a play about Winston Churchill, he was told that he couldn't smoke a cigar on stage when he got to Scotland, because of anti-smoking laws. Smith, who played the cigar-chomping leader in Mary Kenny's play Allegiance, was free to smoke when the play was staged in England.

Lyme Regis: For 32 years, residents of Lvme Regis raised money for charity with their annual "conger cuddling" contest - in which teams try to knock each other over with a 25lb eel tied to a rope. But now the event has been banned, after animal rights activists complained it was "disrespectful" to the dead eel. Richard Fox, who founded the contest to raise money for the RNLI said: "How can you be disrespecting an animal's rights when it is dead?"

Upper Caldecote: A postmaster who was beaten by armed robbers was ordered to pay the Post Office £3,000. Dilip Karavadra, 42, was battered with a crowbar when he confronted two men who burst into his shop in Upper Caldecote, Beds. He suffered head injuries and a broken arm. But the post Office demanded lie pay towards the £6,695 theft, because he was not behind his security hatch when the robbers struck. He had stepped out to help an elderly customer post a parcel...

Torbay: The palm trees of Torbay were declared a health hazard. Planning officials said the palms' sharp leaves could scratch a passer-by's face or poke out an eve. "It's a bit like keeping tigers," said councillor Colin Charlwood. "They are beautiful to look at, but you wouldn't want them wandering the streets."

Plymouth: Fire brigade chiefs at Greenbank Fire Station in Plymouth banned the traditional fireman's pole because they were worried that officers could fall off, sprain an ankle or suffer chafing. hey now have to run down two flights of stairs.

Ipswich: Suffolk Police tried to stop women binge-drinking by stressing the potential consequences. A pamphlet featured a photo of a girl lying drunk on the floor. The text read: "For those of you intent on  gtting ratted this weekend, think... If you pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. For all our sakes, please make sure you're wearing nice pants and you've had a wax."

Bossy Britain – a few of the year’s more fatuous edicts and unnecessary bits of advice.

The Department of Education spent £50,000 on a guide to being a good father. The "Dad Pack" includes tips on bathtime ("Test that the water is not too hot") and playtime ("Take them to the playground").

Church of England leaders warned that calling God "He" encourages men to beat their wives. New guidelines for vicars also claim that marriage increases the lielihood of abuse because it gives husbands a sense of ownership; they warn that the violent, vengeful God of the Old Testament sets a bad example to men.

Whitehall wastes more than £80bn on pointless schemes every year, according to The Taxpayer's Alliance. For instance, the NHS spent £225,000 warning pensioners of the dangers of ill-fitting slippers, while the Arts Council stumped up £77,000 to send a team of artists to the North Pole to make a snowman.

Reproduced from a December 2006 edition of ‘The Week’ – an admirable publication which fearlessly exposes the idiocies of our age, and gives the editor great pleasure in the process.

More Odds and Ends

Three entertaining items, courtesy of ‘The Week’

John Humphrys has put the record straight about his feelings for Moira Stewart. A BBC insider recently claimed that, after reading the news with her one evening, Humphrys turned to Stewart while the credits were rolling and said: ‘You’re the most sensationally sexy lady I know. The best thing we can do for the next few hours is make mad passionate love in the basement.’

‘I did indeed say it,’ he admits. ‘But it wasn’t the news, but a programme for the deaf, and viewers were able to lip-read it…’

Zoo bosses have been told that they can’t advertise for a Fat Controller to work on their Thomas the Tank Engine ride. Legal advisers have warned that the East Sussex Park Zoo that specifically requesting a fat man for the job would be discriminatory, and they should at least interview a few thin men.

A Weymouth baker has been ordered to rename her cakes because they fall foul of trading standards. Officials say that her ‘Robin cakes’ – which feature a marzipan likeness of Kermit the Frog’s nephew Robin – are misleading because they don’t actually contain robin meat. The same applies to her Miss Piggy tarts, which are not made with pork, and her Paradise Slice, which does not actually come from heaven.

(May 14th, 2007)

Holy Smoke!

A recent Daily Telegraph story carried grim news for St Faith’s. ‘Churches incensed by signs to stop smokers puffing in the pews’ ran the headline (not even this august journal can resist bad puns). Senior clerics are apparently ‘fuming’ (there they go again!) at regulations giving churches and cathedrals until July 1st to post ‘no smoking’ signs at their entrances.

Naturally enough bishops and other clerical ranks are protesting that such signs are unnecessary and would deface their buildings. Their spokesman said that they did have difficulties with ‘the modern custom of men wearing hats indoors, people wanting to bring their pets in or even wanting to eat their ice cream cones’ – but, he went on, ‘One is bound to ask, when did you last hear of somebody smoking in church?’

The Bishop of Fulham declared: ‘This is yet another example of the aggressive nanny state. The whole thing is stark staring mad.’

Sadly, in all this righteous uproar, no-one has mentioned (apart from double entendres in headlines) the clear and present threat this dictat poses to Geoff Moss and his gallant band of swingers, who faithfully, Sunday by Sunday, will be breaking the law of the land by (holy) smoking in church. Clearly urgent action is needed to protect our sacred rights. A public enquiry and a Government committee is the least we can expect. Tony Blair, a good High Churchman, would perhaps understand, but he will have gone by July 1st, and Gordon Brown is a dour Presbyterian Scot who cannot be expected to sympathise. Will we fall victim to censership?

(Chris Price: May 18th, 2007)


More P.C. Madness...

No, not computer behaviour, just no fewer than seven more, no fewer than five of which were reported in one recent issue of The Daily Telegraph.

1. Asking pupils to put their hands up when they think they know the answer to a question in class could make quiet children fall behind, according to government advice. A suggested strategy involves choosing which child to question instead of inviting all the pupils who know the answer to put up their hands. Children could also be given 30 seconds ‘thinking time’ before being asked to answer…

2. Orchestras may have to play more quietly as part of the European Union’s control of noise at work regulations. Guidelines from a music industry working group could include not playing too many noisy pieces of music in one performance….

3. Bury firemen are facing disciplinary action after they were accused of sleeping on the floor of their station instead of on new reclining chairs. Three men are being investigated for ‘involvement in the use of unauthorised rest facilities.’ The fire service had replaced beds with £130,000 worth of new reclining chairs. The firemen were not allowed to use them until they had been given health and safety training on how to sit on them….

4. Leicestershire County Council has banned children of one area from playing in the street because it is a ‘danger to the public.’ All dolls and bicycles ‘must be removed from the road immediately.’ Children cannot play football in the street because using jumpers as makeshift goalposts has also been banned…

5. A parish council has ordered allotment holders to take out £5 million-worth of insurance in case a member of the public trips over a rake or a discarded carrot. The parish council clerk said: ‘We live in a health and safety conscious age…’

6.  Park benches across the country are to be replaced at a cost of thousands of pounds because they are three inches too low. New health and safety laws state that benches must be more than 17.75 inches high so that the elderly and disabled can get off them easily.

7. The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has banned the use of the word ‘cock’ when applied to the male of the species, in case it causes offence. The word was replaced by four asterisks online, and the moderator for the site blamed the Microsoft software package for filtering the dreaded word out. A bird-lover had the last word: ‘I was thrilled to see on my bird table a pair of… Parus major. As bird-lovers will know, a Parus major  is a great tit, and while **** do not get past the censor, ‘tits’ clearly do not cause offence…

(June 10th 2007)

Thou Shalt Not...

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbour’s wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

(September 2007)

Ig Nobel Winners!

A British radiologist has been awarded a spoof Nobel Prize for discovering that sword swallowers can suffer ‘major complications’ when they are distracted or while gulping down more than one blade, say a report in a recent Daily Telegraph by Science editor Roger Highfield.

A consultant radiologist from Gloucestershire has joined the pantheon of scientists whose research has been deemed sufficiently quirky to win an ‘Ig Nobel’. He was cited for his penetrating medical report ‘Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects’ in the British Medical Journal. ‘Sore throats are common, particularly while the skill is being learnt or performances are too frequent,’ he found. ‘Sword swallowers without health care coverage expose themselves to financial as well as physical risk.’

He was ion good company. A Japanese lady won the chemistry prize for her efforts to extract vanilla from cow dung. Three splendid fellows from Barcelona University wiped the floor with the competition for the linguistics prize for discovering that rats sometimes cannot differentiate between people speaking Japanese backwards and people speaking Dutch backwards. (The editor likes ‘sometimes’ – the rats who can apparently manage this feat should be honoured for their achievements.)

The nutrition prize was lapped up by a researcher from Cornell University who explored appetite by feeding people with a self-refilling bowl of soup. And finally, and deserving their names in lights, Patricia Agostino, Santiago Plano and Diego Golombek of Universidad Nacional de Quilmes, Argentina, deservedly won the aviation prize for their astounding discovery that Viagra aids jet-lag recovery in  hamsters (well it would, wouldn’t it.) 

(October 8th, 2007)
The Spirit of Britain 2007

That excellent periodical, The Week has presented its annual review of the year's collected idiocies. Here is the first selection...


A guide to some of the surprising - and downright bewildering - decisions made by Britain's bureaucrats this year

Congleton: A hospital removed some knitting needles from a waiting area, claiming they presented a safety hazard to children. Until mid September this year, Congleton War Memorial in Cheshire had provided a "knitting box" in its waiting area, inviting visitors to knit a square of a blanket for charity. Not any more...
.
Bedford: When Ruth Ball's daughter Leigha threw a tantrum in a shop, she took the screaming toddler outside, put her in the car and waited a few feet away for her to calm down. The next day, she received a visit from Bedfordshire police, investigating a complaint of "inappropriate" parenting from an onlooker who had noted her numberplate.

 Manchester: A 12-year-old was sent to court for assaulting a man with a sausage. His elderly victim was walking home from the pub when he got into a row with the boy, who threw a cocktail sausage, striking the man on the shoulder. "I was brought up in the era of Just William," said Judge Tim Devas, and "this incident sounds familiar. It's very bad behaviour. But is it in the public interest to prosecute a 12-year-old boy who threw a sausage?"

Bournemouth: Swimming pool staff were forbidden from lending armbands to children in case they got an infection from blowing them up. Bournemouth council said it was following rules issued by the Institute of Sport and Recreation Management. To lend armbands, a spokesman said, it would have to set up a "hygiene and cleansing" system.

Hove: Royal Mail ordered a woman to trim the lavender in her front garden for health and safety reasons. Marie Zadeh was told that her overgrown bushes were making it perilous for the postman to reach her letterbox. "The safety of our staff is of prime importance," said a spokesman.

Bossy Britain: a few of the year's more fatuous initiatives and pointless edicts....
   
Park benches across the country are to be replaced at a cost of thousands, because they are three inches too low. Health and safety laws state that benches must be at least 17.75 inches high so that the elderly and disabled can get off them easily.

The classic advertising slogan "Go to Work on an Egg" has been deemed unsuitable for modern audiences. The egg industry wanted to revive the slogan, but advertising watchdogs say that it fails to promote a sufficiently varied and balanced diet.

There are now 266 powers under which state officials can raid a person's home, including "checking for foreign bees", "inspection of high hedges", "surveying seal population", "checking for offences related to stage hypnotism", and "fact-finding missions in accordance with the Ottawa Convention on Landmines".

   The Christmas Day Collection 2007

A second instalment of absurdities, courtesy of 'The Week's review of the year.



Bossy Britain: more of the year's more fatuous initiatives and pointless edicts...
   

A £125,000 government campaign to rebrand Scotland has revealed its new slogan: "Welcome to Scotland". New signs are being displayed on hoardings at Glasgow airport, along with images of crashing waves and one of a bald man in a raincoat walking along an Edinburgh street. "This is about showing what a modern, vibrant and successful country Scotland is," said Culture Minister Linda Fabiani.

A woman was fined £80 after her grandchild dropped two crisps on the pavement. When a packet of Quavers fell from the hand of 20-month-old Emily, Barbara Jubb picked it up, but she failed to notice the stray crisps. Litter wardens in Crawley, West Sussex, gave her an on-the-spot fine.

It must be true: the best tabloid stories of 2007

A former shelf-stacker in Texas is suing Wal-Mart for religious discrimination after it sacked him for turning up for work in a Muslim headdress, a cassock, and a giant crucifix. Daniel Lorenz, 23, claims they were symbols of the Universal Belief System, a religion he founded himself which, he says, reflects his "non-discriminatory" attitude to different faiths. Wal-Mart argues that it's not a "bona fide religious belief", and that Lorenz was seen outside work in normal clothes - something he ascribes to the "ever evolving" nature of the Universal Belief System.

A judge in Washington DC tried to sue a local dry cleaning firm for $65m after it lost his trousers. Roy Pearson demanded compensation for "mental suffering", as well as the 1,400 hours he spent working on his claim, and the cost of hiring a car to take him to an alternative cleaner for the next ten years. The case was finally thrown out in June.

The lights are being kept on overnight at a disused school in Dalkeith, Midlothian, so that vandals don't injure themselves when breaking in. "Some lights are left on during winter months to protect potential intruders from hazards," said a council spokesman.

MPs have been given a ten-point guide explaining what to do if they find a smashed light bulb. Issued by the House of Commons Commission, it advises the 'cleaning operative' to don a mask and gloves, before putting the fragments in 'a sturdy box'. A spokesman said the guide was published in response to an MP's written question prompted by someone who cut their finger on a bulb.

A heraldic lion has been shorn of its 'equipment' after complaints from a group of Swedish female soldiers. The women said that the emblem of the EU's Nordic Battlegroup - a crack force of 2,400 troops - was too ostentatiously male. 'We were forced to cut the lions's willy off with the aid of a computer,' said Christian Braunstein, from the Tradition Commission of the Swedish Army.

An American writer accidentally burnt down his office, containing his life's work, while working in his garage downstairs. Dave Eddings from Nevada was tinkering with his sports car when he noticed some fluid leaking out. "I wondered what the hell it was. I didn't want to leave a tankful of gasoline leaking on to the floor, so I lit a piece of paper and threw it into the puddle to test if it was flammable. In retrospect, I can see this was a lapse of judgement on my part."

A man from Denver had thumb-altering surgery to enable him to use his iPhone better. Thomas Martel, 28, asked doctors to "whittle" his thumb into a pointier shape after finding it difficult to press the touch-screen buttons. "The procedure was expensive," he said, "but what it's saved me in frustration - that's priceless."


Politically Correct or just Particularly Crass

To mark the closing of a year of politically correct madness, the Daily Telegraph's Laura Clout penned this heartwarming report...

For decades, children have enjoyed singing about the little donkey which is said to have carried the pregnant Mary to Bethlehem. But one group of young singers was ordered to change the traditional lyrics of the Christmas song - because they were said to be "too religious".   Instead of "Little donkey, carry Mary safely on her way", the youngsters were told to sing "carry Lucy" for fear of offending non-Christians. The incident, at the school's Christmas concert, appears on a new calendar alongside 11 other examples of extreme political correctness from around Britain.

February tells of warnings from lawyers that Valentine's Day could lead to sexual harassment claims in the office. In 2006, Manchester-based Employment Law Advisory Services warned that just sending a card to a colleague could backfire because it could constitute an "unwanted sexual advance".

Other examples of political correctness taken to absurd extremes include the teachers at one Scottish school who banned children from cheering for their team on sports day - in case those who came last felt humiliated - or their counterparts at Maney Hill Primary in Sutton Coldfield, near Birmingham, where parents were not allowed to attend sports day at all, to spare their children from embarrassment if they lost.

August tells of officials in Blackpool who were deployed to ensure donkeys working on the beach had a full hour off for lunch in accordance with European Union rales. October details an event to mark the bicentenary of the Battle of Trafalgar on the Thames, during which the actor playing the military hero was forced to wear a lifejacket.

Last September, during Ramadan, the NHS boards in Greater Glasgow and Lothian were reported to have banned staff from eating at their desks to avoid offending any Muslims who might have been fasting during the month.

The illustrated calendar appears in the Second Politically Correct Scrapbook, compiled by the Campaign Against Political Correctness (CAPC).  John Midgley, the co-founder of the CAPC, said: "The Politically Correct Calendar quite clearly shows the effect political correctness is having on all of our lives. Perhaps we should all - especially our politicians and bureaucrats — resolve to be a little less PC in 2008."

The calendar is available from the CAPC website: www.capc.co.uk.

(December 2007)


 
'Surprised by Joy'?

‘Gloomy’ Wee Frees told to cheer up

So reads the splendid headline over an article by the Daily Telegraph’s Scottish Correspondent, Auslan Cramb. The dour, ultra-conservative Free Church of Scotland, famous for opposing Sunday ferries and chaining up play park swings on Sundays, has been urged to express what the editor of its ‘Monthly Record’ calls ‘serious joy’.

He says that worshippers need to dispel the notion that they are characterised by ‘doom, gloom and joylessness’. In a daring move, they have endorsed the Harry Potter stories, as well as the fantasy film ‘The Golden Compass - both of which have been denounced as ungodly by some Christian groups.

TheRev David Robinson, recently appointed editor, writes: ‘The definition of a Calvinist as being a person who is miserable at the thought that someone, somewhere, is actually enjoying themselves is sadly all too typical. This is not a plea for frivolity, flippancy or entertainment – ‘fun’ worship. (perish the thought. Ed.)  But please can we have some serious joy?’

They certainly have some ground to make up. The Telegraph reporter recalls the outrage caused when one of their ministers said that the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami, in which 226,000 people died, was sent by God to punish ‘pleasure seekers from all over the world’ who broke the Sabbath. And this writer, on visits to the Outer Hebrides, has more than once experienced the contrasts between the gloomy northern islands, where the Wee Frees reign joyless and supreme, and hymns, colour and folk music are frowned upon and the happy freedom of the Catholic southern isles, where life in and out of church is full of colour and joy. And he will not easily forget the locked doors of the public lavatories in Lewis on the Sabbath. No relief there for the sinful…

(January 14th, 2008)

Panic in Panto Land!

Not long ago it was the furore about the deadly practice of throwing sweets for children in pantomime audiences to catch. Now another crisis looms, reported in the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian (yes, the ewebsite manager does occasionally sample other papers!).

This time it is the danger posed by the use of plastic cutlasses and swords in a West Country production of ‘Robinson Crusoe’. Bowing to the relentless demands of health and safety regulations, the village amateur dramatic company has had to lock up and register its two plastic spears, six wooden spears and a toy gun and appoint a ‘responsible guardian’ for them. Battles on Captain Hook’s pirate galleon will be supervised by a fight coordinator from Liverpool (yes, honestly!).

One of the production staff told the press ‘in some scenes pirates hit each other with frying pans and saucepan lids but there’s no problem with them.’ The neighbourhood beat officer said solemnly: ‘We have been informed about this. It seems a bit unusual but other forms of replica weapons have been used to carry out crimes and the consequences have been very serious.’

The toy gun at the centre of the storm cost £2 from a joke shop. When you pull the trigger a flag flicks out saying ‘Bang!’

You couldn’t make it up.

(January 19th, 2008)

 

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