Outrage as Anglican vicar gives sacrament to pet dog.
An Anglican church in Canada has become the focus of controversy after
a vicar gave Holy Communion to a pet dog. The priest gave Communion
bread, considered by Anglicans to represent the body of Jesus Christ,
to an Alsatian-cross called Trapper.
St Peter’s Anglican Church in Toronto has been deluged with complaints
by Christians throughout the country. Donald Keith, the dog’s owner,
said he took his pet to the church because he had heard animals were
welcome.
Because he was a newcomer, the vicar, the Rev Marguerite Rea, invited
him in person to receive communion. “The minister said, ‘Come up and
take communion’, and Trapper came up with me and the minister gave him
communion as well,” said Mr Keith.
Mr Keith said he thought it was a “nice way to welcome me into the
church. There was an old lady in the front just beaming when she saw
this. Ninety-nine-point-nine per cent of the people in the church love
Trapper and the kids play with him.”
He claimed that one member of the congregation was unhappy and
complained to the archbishop. The dog has since been banned from
receiving Holy Communion. Mrs Rea has since apologised to the area
bishop, Patrick Yu, who was sent to investigate the complaint. He said
the vicar was “quite embarrassed” by her gaffe.
The bishop said it was “not the policy of the Anglican Church to give
communion to animals”. He added: “Unless there is any further evidence
that she is giving communion to animals, the matter is closed. We are,
after all, in the forgiveness and repair business.”
A marvellous story (July 27th, 2010)
again taken from the ever-vigilant Daily Telegraph. As so often, we
note the absurdities perpetrated by the reporter. To begin with, there
is the suggestion that somehow Anglicans are uniquely strange in
believing in the divine presence in the eucharist. Then there is the
odd concept of having to ban the animal from future sacramental
participation (no doubt someone will tell Trapper!). Finally, the
bishop speaks of the church as being in the ‘forgiveness and repair’
business. He clearly thinks the vicar needs forgiving – but it is not
exactly obvious who needs repairingPerhaps they do things differently
in Canada, or are they all barking mad?
Tweetness
and
light
A
Church minister is to conduct the first communion service on Twitter,
the social networking site.
In
a
modern
spin on Christianity’s most sacred rite, worshippers are
invited to break bread and drink wine or juice in front of their
computers as they follow the service online.
Churches
usually
require
a priest to take the Eucharist, but the Rev Tim Ross, a
Methodist minister, will send out a prayer in a series of tweets -
messages of up to 140 characters — to users of the site. Those
following the service will read out each tweet before typing Amen as a
reply.
The
move
is
likely to upset traditionalists but Mr Ross said it was an
important step in uniting Christians around the world and reaching
those who might not normally go to church. Hundreds of people have
registered to follow the service and Mr Ross hopes that will grow to
thousands by the lime he sends out the tweets next month.
“Twitter
offers
unique
possibilities for the Church,” he said. “It’s a community
that’s as real and tangible as any local neighbourhood and we should be
looking to minister to it.”
Karen
Burke,
a
media officer for the Methodist Church, said it supported “the
exploration of spirituality on the internet”. She said: “While
communion normally reflects the celebration of God’s love in a body of
people gathered in one place, there is a strong tradition of
celebrating that love in more transient and informal communities’
The Daily
Telegraph, from which this report (and the headline above) are
lifted, commented on the idea in an editorial. The development, it said
'suggests a whole host of holy new possibilities for Twitter. There
seems no reason why other sacraments might not also be administered by
tweet: "Do u @natalie take @harry..." for instance. Certain adjustments
in the liturgy will be called for, of course: "Please turn to No 386 in
your collection of ringtones..." But the 140-character limit should
inspire a blessed brevity in sermons: "Dearly beloved, we are not
gathered here today..."
Hello, hello, hello!
Three more entertaining
clippings from the papers
Police
officers
have
been
handed an official leaflet showing them how to tuck
their shirts in properly and tie their shoelaces.
Sussex Police introduced a new ‘practical, fit-for-purpose’ uniform in
May, and issued 3,200 officers with advice on ‘how to wear’ it.
The guidance contrasts a ‘prim and proper’ policeman and a ‘shabby’
colleague, with his shirt hanging out and his shoelaces undone.
Two
Middle
Eastern-style
‘Nile
pan’ lavatories, little more than holes in
the ground, have been installed in a Rochdale shopping centre,
apparently in an attempt to accommodate shoppers from different
cultural backgrounds.
M.P. Philip Davies said: ‘It’s absolutely ludicrous – Thomas Crapper
would be turning in his grave.’
A
new
trawl
through
the birth records has revealed that 20 babies born
since the Second World War have been named Adolf.
The research also revealed some unusual trends, with ten babies in
Lancashire in the 19th century named Fish Fish, and one registered with
the full name Fish Fish Fish.
The
Oldie,
July
2010
Would
You
Believe
It?
Four oddities noted
in recent weeks in the press
An Australian publishing company has pulped and reprinted 7,000 copies
of a pasta cookbook that advised people to use ‘salt and freshly ground
black people’ in a tagliatelle dish .
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee. Carl Geary,
55, won three times as many votes as his rival, Barbara Brock, even
though he had suffered a fatal heart attack at the start of the
campaign. ‘I knew he was deceased but we wanted someone other than
her,’ said one local. ‘If he were to run again next week, I’d vote for
him again.’
Police have introduced the first speed trap on the Isles of Scilly… on
an island with only six miles of road. Officers on St Mary’s,
population 1,600, have taken delivery of a radar gun. The island has a
60 mph speed limit, but police admitted that its roads contain so many
bens that t is virtually impossible to drive that fast. Since the radar
gun has been introduced, the fastest vehicle recorded had been a moped
travelling at 34 mph.
And finally, a letter in the ‘Daily Telegraph’:
Sir,
The Church of Ireland’s 2004 Book of Common Prayer instructs those
presenting themselves for confirmation not to covet their neighbours’
houses – and not to cover their neighbours’ wives.
May 24th, 2010
Two stories from the same paper on the same day, reproduced without comment...
What...
the
Devil?
‘The devil is lurking in the very
heart of the Roman Catholic Church, the Vatican’s chief exorcist
claimed yesterday.’
Thus wrote the Daily Telegraph’s Nick Squires recently. The aforesaid
exorcist, Father Gabrielle Amorth, claimed that the Christmas Eve
assault on the Pope, together with the sex abuse scandals engulfing the
Church worldwide,’ were proof that the Anti-Christ was waging a war
against the holy See’.
The evil influence of Satan, he believes, was evident in the highest
ranks of the Catholic hierarchy, with ‘cardinals who do not believe in
Jesus and bishops who are linked to the demon,’ he said. Although some
Catholics mistrust the concept of exorcism, the Pope apparently has no
such doubts.
The 85-year-old Fr Amorth, who has been in post for 25 years, claims to
have performed 70,000 exorcisms. Possessed people, he says, scream,
utter blasphemies and spit out ‘pieces of iron as long as a finger, but
also rose petals.’
Unholy
Smoke
Incense is making us ill, say parishioners
The Daily Telegraph again, and in the same issue. A reporter reports
that ‘claims that incense burned in church services is making members
of the congregation ill are being investigated by environmental health
officials.’
A 73-year-old man has said he was forced to stay away from the church
he had attended for 19 years because of illness from inhaling the
sweet-smelling smoke. Apparently several other parishioners at St
Paul’s in Chichester had to leave the church feeling dizzy and unwell.
As a result the local Council have inspected the church and are
awaiting a Health and Safety Executive report.
The aggrieved gentleman holds forth: ‘I emailed the reverend (!) but
was told the church council had taken advice and had been informed
there was no health risk. They are ignoring the fact that there is a
lot of evidence that these particles are so deadly and dangerous. The
thought that people are breathing in particles which could make them
ill makes me so mad.’
The Telegraph reporter tells us that ‘research scientists have found
that the air in some churches where incense was burned was more toxic
than the air along roads with high levels of traffic.’ As a result of
the furore the incumbent will now inform parishioners when incense is
due to be burned.
March 13th, 2010
Common
Sense R.I.P.
An
Obituary
printed
in
the
Times........
Today
we
mourn
the
passing
of
a
beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the
early bird gets the worm;lLife isn't always fair; and maybe it
was my fault.
Common
Sense
lived
by
simple,
sound
financial
policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are
in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common
Sense
lost
ground
when
parents
attacked
teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to
get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a
student; but could not inform parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common
Sense
lost
the
will
to
live
as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar
in
your
own
home
and
the
burglar could sue you for assault.
Common
Sense
finally
gave
up
the
will
to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common
Sense
was
preceded
in
death,
by
his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son,
Reason.
He
is
survived
by
his
4
stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights; I Want It
Now; Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim
Not
many
attended
his
funeral
because
so
few realized he was gone.
(February 13th, 2010)
Priest
called
in
to
banish
pitch
demons
Marine bad luck blamed on evil
spirits
Food for
thought in the banner headline on the front page of our local newspaper
recently. Marine F.C., our local team, have been suffering a run of
unnaturally bad luck recently, it transpires. They have lost their last
five games, been knocked out of two competitions and had their only
recent potential victory ‘scrubbed out due to a freak floodlight
failure.’
‘Coupled with
an horrific injury list that has seen THREE players sidelined with
broken legs – one of whom faces the agony of his leg being re-broken by
doctors,’ the club’s manager, the paper reports, ‘is convinced all is
not right at the Arriva’ (stadium) And he has called in a Roman
Catholic priest from down the road in Roby to ‘banish demons from the
team’s stadium’ (and possibly to banish the Powers of Darkness and keep
the lights working?)
The priest duly
prayed over the pitch, before ‘sprinkling holy water in the goalmouths
and across the playing surface.’
Only time will
tell how effectively the prayed-for divine intervention will prove, and
we of course wish Marine every blessing. The report lists the next home
fixture as being against Kendal Town. This writer hopes that they will
not have heard about this turn of events, for fear that they might
bring along their bishop to pray for their success. Heaven alone knows
what would happen….
Meanwhile, should Marine do really well, it might be worth asking the
Vicar to sprinkle the church overdraft or pray over this writer's
church lottery numbers.
(January 29th, 2010)
A
Sting in the Tale
An elderly Polish
beekeeper who passed out after being stung woke up inside a coffin. He
had been pronounced dead from a heart attack, covered in a white sheet,
collected by undertakers and taken to a funeral parlour.
It was then
that he woke and shouted for help. ‘He was shouting and banging on the
coffin – he made enough noise to raise the dead so we couldn’t miss
him,’ said the undertaker. The man was taken to hospital and released
after a few days. ‘The undertaker saved my life,’ he said. ‘The first
thing I did when I came out of hospital was to take him a pot of honey.’
This column
enjoys making excruciating headlines for its borrowings, but cannot
hope to better the one provided by The Daily Telegraph, where this
snippet occurred on January 26th.
Their
headline: ‘O sting, where is thy death?’
A Sting in the Tale?
Chris Price
Just when it seemed that ecumenical relations were thawing, an Anglican
bishop has launched a vicious attack on the morals of Roman Catholic
monks. Obviously, this statement needs qualifying…
According to a report in The Times, the Bishop of Aberdeen and the
Orkneys in the Scottish Episcopal Church (that’s the Anglican church in
the frozen north) has accused the Devon-based Roman Catholic monks of
Buckfast Abbey of betraying Christian values.
They
are
the
mass
producers
of
Buckfast
fortified
wine,
‘regarded by
some as the scourge of Scotland’, according to reporter Melanie Read.
Bishop Gillies says: ‘What sort of moral double-take is there that
these monks can be so closely associated with that product and
knowingly aware of the social damage as well as the medical damage it
is doing to the kids who take it in such vast volumes? The monks at
Buckfast are in a Benedictine monastery founded upon the rule of St
Benedict, who urged his monks to live a simple life… I would have
thought he would have been very, very unhappy with what his monks are
doing nowadays.’
The reason for this sense of outrage? The drink known colloquially as
Buckie has featured in 5,000 crimes in the last three years reported by
Stratchclyde Police, including 114 uses of the bottle as a weapon. Each
bottle contains more than 11 units of alcohol, is 15% proof and
contains more caffeine than eight cans of cola. The monks sell
£37 million worth of the drink a year. Broken Buckfast bottles
make up 54% of dangerous litter in Scottish housing estates. There are
more than 200 Facebook groups dedicated to it. Tellingly, it is known
colloquially as Wreck the Hoose Juice, Commotion Lotion, Bottle
of Fight the World, Bottle of Beat the Wife, Liquid Speed and
Scranjuice.
Not surprisingly, the monks of Buckfast Abbey turned down a request by
the BBC to discuss their Special Brew, while a spokesman for the
company that distributes the drink absolves them of blame. ‘Why
should they accept moral responsibility? They’re not up there pouring
their Buckfast down somebody’s throat. They produce a good product. I
drink it. Now if I thought there was something wrong with it, would I
drink it…?’ The company have threatened to sue public figures who
criticise the drink.
Here in the temperate south (!) Buckie has possibly yet to take hold,
and moderate bishops of the good old CofE have yet to pronounce
anathema over it. And one can only wonder, now that taking communion in
both kinds has restored wine to the sanctuaries of the United Benefice,
what might happen if the good monks of Buckfast brought out a really
full-bodied altar wine to liven up our Sunday mornings. It might at
least slow down the decline in communicants…his writer seems to recall
the original invitation to partake of the communion cup was pleasingly
phrased, ‘Drink Ye All Of This’….
January 19th, 2010
'Sir...!'
The
Daily
Telegraph
has
been
livening
up
the
dark
days
with
readers'
letters about mistranslations and associated comic usages. This
selection featured on January 5th, 2010
SIR - I am particularly fond of the section The Train in my old English-German
conversational dictionary, which contains the following exchanges: "You
are aware that I have occupied this seat since..." "My luggage was on
it." "Guard, inform this gentleman that he must relinquish my seat."
"Let us cross legs so as to sit more at ease."
SIR
-
I
have
an
English-Gaelic
phrase
book
bought
in
Oban
that contains,
among other joys, ‘Fetch me half a munchkin’ and the rather sinister
‘Shall I beat him?'
SIR
-
When
I
was
serving
in
the
British
Embassy
at
Tripoli in the
Seventies, a colleague found a translation of "traditional Libyan
sayings" in a local bookshop. Our favourite was: "He whose trousers are
made of esparto grass should not stand too close to the fire."
SIR
-
The
idiosyncrasies
of
translation
into
English
are
not
confined
to
phrase books. Travel brochures contain some priceless examples,
including one for a prestigious hotel in Lisbon: "As our guests descend
the grand staircase they will be impressed by our collection of
suggestive pictures."
SIR
-
A
pamphlet
given
to
me
on
entry
to
a
French campsite contained the
following: "Campers are requested to speak slowly after midnight so as
not to disturb the dreamers’
SIR
-
The
most
ridiculous
phrase
I
have
heard
in
any
language comes from
the website Living in Indonesia:
"Kuku-kuku
kaki
kakak
kakek-ku
kaku-kaku."
It
means
"My
grandfather's
older
brother's
toenails are stiff", and should not be attempted while
eating cake.
Look
Back
with
Laughter
A final selection of
some of the entertaining reports in last year's papers
Three nuns were pulled over on a
road near Turin after they were clocked travelling at more than 110mph
in a Ford Fiesta. The driver, Sister Tavoletta, 56, explained that they
were hurrying to see the Pope after hearing that he had fractured his
wrist in a fall. ‘We were on our way to make sure he was OK,’ she said.
‘Hopefully Sister Tavoletta will confess to her bad driving next
time she goes to confession,’ said a police spokesman. ‘ But in the
meantime she will have to pay the speeding fine.’
A confectionery firm came under fire
for featuring fruity characters apparently engaging in sexual acts on
its wrappers. Simon Simpkins of Pontefract said he was shocked by the
‘porno’ poses when he bought the sweets for his children. 'The lemon
and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter,’ he told
The Sun. ‘The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this couple,
has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to
see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became
distressed and had to sit in the car park.’
Police hunting Ireland’s most
dangerous driver finally uncovered his identity. Computer records
showed that Prawo Jazdy had clocked up no fewer than 50 offences, but
each time his licence was registered to a different address. Finally,
an officer worked out that ‘Prawo Jazdy’ is Polish for ‘driving
licence’. Officers had been writing it down as the driver’s name.
The Week: January 2nd, 2010
The Spirit of Britain Part Two
Bedford: Parents were banned
from attending their children's sports day after organisers said it
would make it impossible to guard against paedophiles. Pupils from four
primary schools competed at the East Bedfordshire School Sports Day
without spectators. "If we let parents in, they would have been free to
roam the grounds," said a spokesman. "All unsupervised adults must be
kept away from children."
London: Schools in Waltham
Forest and Newham were told to close on three Muslim, Hindu and
Sikh holy days this autumn, regardless of the religious mix of their
pupils. In Waltham Forest, Hindus form 2% of the population and Sikhs
just 0.6%. There are more Jewish people than Sikhs in the borough yet
schools were not told to close for any Jewish festivals.
London: Swimmers at an outdoor
pool in East London were told they could not go for a dip if the
weather was too wet. Customers at the London Fields Lido in Hackney
(right) were made to wait outside when it rained, because staff said
the shower could cloud the water, making it hard for lifeguards to see
into the pool. Hackney council confirmed that this was part of its
health-and-safety policy.
The Government spent
£24,765 removing one noun from the name of a Whitehall
department. The Department for Communities and Local Government (DCLG)
was rebranded as Communities and Local Government (CLG), requiring a
new logo and headed paper. A minister told MPs that the rebranding was
necessary to "emphasise the mission of the department".
Teachers were given a training
manual on how to use a full stop. The manual, part of the National
Literacy Strategy, contained advice such as: "Verbs are very important.
They are the words that tell you what is happening in a sentence.’
A report that took two years to
compile and cost taxpayers £500,000 concluded that rail
passengers were liable to experience "negative” feelings if their train
was late and no one told them why.
Farmers were advised to wear
earmuffs when feeding pigs, to protect themselves from "dangerously"
loud squeals. The Health and Safety Executive said the noise of hungry
pigs could be as damaging to hearing as that of a chainsaw or power
drill, and suggested using mechanical feeders to avoid exposure
altogether.
With renewed acknowledgement to The Week: December 30th, 2009
The Spirit of Britain
Thanks to that
excellent publication, ‘The Week’, we are happy to present the first
instalment of their annual cull of absurd examples of political
correctness, bureaucratic inanities and fatuous warnings emanating from
official quarters during the year now ending.
Edinburgh: The Scottish parliament's
website has been translated into Scots dialect, as part of an
£800,000 overhaul to make the site available in 14 "languages".
"Walcome tae the Scottish pairlament wabsite," reads the introduction.
"The Scottish pairlament is here for tae represent aw Scotlan's folk."
Scholars disagree on whether Scots dialect - as opposed to Gaelic - is
a language at all, but the Scottish Executive says the translation is
necessary to prevent discrimination.
Southport: When Rita Longbottom, a
Southport pensioner with dementia, locked herself out of her care-home
flat, a live-in manager refused to use a master key to let her in
-because her shift had ended, and she did not wish to violate the new
EU working-time directive, which calls for an 11-hour break between
shifts. Instead, a neighbour had to alert a call centre in Bradford,
which sent a locksmith from Bolton.
Derby: Fly-fishermen were banned
from casting their flies at a Derbyshire reservoir, lest they injure
passers-by. Every year, thousands of anglers fish at the Foremark
Reservoir, which is run by the local water board. No one has been
snared in its 40-year history.
Birmingham: Birmingham City Council
announced that all apostrophes were to be banished from street signs.
Councillor Martin Mullaney said it was important to have a consistent
policy, and that there was no longer any need for a possessive
apostrophe in most place names, "since the
monarchy
no
longer
owns
Kings
Heath
or
Kings
Norton.
Oxford: The ladders that for 400
years had allowed students to reach the top shelves at the Bodleian
Library in Oxford (right) were removed because of safety fears. But the
library said the books would have to remain in their "historic
location", out of reach, leaving students to travel as far as the
British Library in London to find other copies.
Preston: A GPs' surgery in Preston,
Lancashire, was docked £375 because it hadn't received any
complaints. Under the current NHS system, surgeries are rewarded for
hitting targets, one of which is to show how they deal with complaints.
Since the Preston surgery didn't get any, it lost out. A spokesman for
the local NHS trust said it had to follow guidelines.
Sheffield: A new primary school in
Sheffield decided to omit the word "school" from its title because it
had "negative connotations". Watercliffe Meadow calls itself a "place
for learning". Meanwhile, 13 secondary schools in Barnsley were also
re-branded - as "advanced learning centres".
December 29th, 2009
Lost
in
Translation
A
selection
of
guaranteed
genuine
notices
from
assorted
world-wide
establiushments.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving
Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across
from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black
Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
Supplied by a retired clerical
gentleman who would probably prefer to remain anonymous: December 20th,
2009
Do
They
Think
We're
That
Stupid?
After
the
previous
item,
it's
a
relief
to
get
back
to
some
genuine
examples
of
overkill
on
commerical products...
On
the
bottom
of
a
Tesco’s
Tiramisu
dessert…
‘Do
not
turn
upside
down’
On
Sainsbury’s
peanuts…
‘Warning:
contains
nuts’
On
Boot’s
Children’s
Cough
Medicine…
‘Do
not
drive
a
car
or
operate
machinery
after
taking
this
medication’
On
Marks
&
Spencer
Bread
Pudding…
‘Product
will
be
hot
after
heating’
On
a
Sears
hairdryer…
‘Do
not
use
while
sleeping’
On
a
bag
of
Fritos…
‘You
could
be
a
winner!
No
purchase
necessary.
Details
inside’
On
some
Findus
frozen
dinners…
‘Serving
suggestion:
Defrost’
On
packaging
for
a
Rowenta
iron…
‘Do
not
iron
clothes
on
body’
On
Nytol
Sleep
Aid…
‘Warning:
may
cause
drowsiness’
On
Christmas
lights…
‘For
indoor
or
outdoor
use
only’
On
a
child’s
Superman
costume…
‘Wearing
of
this
garment
does
not
enable
you
to
fly’
(With
thanks
to
Susan
Gothard,
St
Peter’s,
Formby
magazine)
Demistifying
Data
Protection
After so many ludicrous examples of
the excesses of the 'nanny state', over-protective bureaucracy and the
zealous enforcement of health and safety legislation, it is only right
to reproduce an article from the Daily Telegraph of November
27th, 2009, in which Christopher Hope, the paper's Whitehall Editor,
puts a reassuring and sensible perspective on the issue. This is what
he wrote:
Parents are not breaking data protection rules if they take photographs
of children taking part in school nativity plays, the information
watchdog has said. Christopher Graham, the information commissioner,
also said he wanted to scotch other "myths" about the Data Protection
Act.
The commissioner said the problem was that some organisations commonly
used the 1998 Act like health and safety legislation, to stop people
behaving normally. "Some people still don't seem to get it and a lot of
people need help," he said. "Data protection is becoming a term of
abuse like health and safety. It has been very difficult to dispel the
myth - and we want to demystify data protection."
Typical examples included the repeated fiction, he said, that it broke data protection laws to take private photographs of children at school sport days or nativity plays. In fact, parents, friends and family members can take photos or video of their children and friends who are taking part in school activities. The legislation would apply for photos taken for official use by schools and colleges.
Data protection rules also should not stop clergymen from praying for sick parishioners by name in church, while it was wrong for organisations to use "data protection" as a reason not to disclose a customer's details to a third party, such as a friend or family member. Instead as long as the organisation was satisfied that the person asking for the information was authorised to access it, then the information could be handed over.
In another case it emerged this month that a postman had refused to
deliver a parcel which had to be signed for, when it became apparent
the recipient was a nine-day-old baby. An adult could have signed for
the package, said Mr Graham. Unveiling a "myth-busting" guide to the
legislation, he said: "Security breaches, inaccurate records and
instances of data being held for too long are too common. This new
guide will help organisations comply with the law and demystify data
protection."
It'll
be
his
Funeral...!
A Swedish family is demanding £27,000 compensation from a pastor
who slurred his way through a funeral service while sipping from a
glass of wine and making rude comments.
The clergyman is accused of being so wobbly at one point during the
service for an 80-year-old woman that he almost fell to his knees.
He is alleged to have pulled himself back up "using the altar like it
was a climbing frame for an ape".
When he regained his balance, he told the congregation: "Bit dodgy that
- someone left a banana skin here." He is also accused of fondling a
female mourner, kissing her hand and saying: "Do you fancy nipping back
to the vestry for an aquavit?"
One angry relative told the Helsingsborg Handesblat newspaper: "He was
so tanked up it was an embarrassment. It was an incoherent waffle for
30 minutes. He read out a poem to the old lady and nobody understood a
word. “
At one point, the priest allegedly said: "The family wanted an open
coffin but I'm worried about swine flu. If you sneeze on her you might
have to wipe the smile off her face."
(Allan Hall, Daily Telegraph, October
5th, 2009)
The
Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid
"They are now the most powerful lobbying force in the land. You can see
the results of their campaigns on park benches, on street corners, on
station platforms - and now their hectoring signage is sprouting on
desolate beaches and once unspoilt stretches of moorland. They are more
energetic than the RSPCA. They are more effective than the
birdwatchers, the child-protectors and the petrolheads put together.
Indeed, for manic dedication they are only rivalled by Fathers4Justice.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big hand for this year's winner of
the prize for the Most Successful Special Interest Group. I give you -
the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid.
It was some years ago that my daughter and I first became aware of their achievements. We were exploring the magical cliff-top castle of Tintagel and we came across a sign on the edge of the cliff. It was expensively hand-painted and about 1ft high. It said: "Edge of cliff'. As a statement of the plonkingly obvious, it could have been bettered only if there had been another sign with a vertical arrow saying "Sky". We laughed so much we almost fell off.
Since then, the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid has been going from strength to strength. It has adorned the back of peanut packets with signs saying "May contain nuts"; it has embossed every plastic coffee sipper-lid with the information that the contents may be hot; and now, according to a wonderful pamphlet issued by the Manifesto Club, its activities are reaching a climax. I could direct you to a lovely pebble beach in Sussex, where visitors are warned with a hideous bright yellow sign and a pictogram of a man falling over that there is an "uneven surface". Another pictogram, complete with another tumbling idiot, warns that the beach may have a "slippery surface". Cor! I can just about see the case for warning railway passengers that if they run on a marble station concourse, and that concourse is wet, then they may be at risk of slipping.
But we are talking about a beach in Sussex. How dur-brained do you have to be to fail to grasp that pebble beaches are uneven and may be slippery? You might as well post a sign at the gates of the Vatican saying: "Caution: Pope at work". Or I could show you a park bench in London boasting an exclamation mark in a fluorescent yellow triangle and the warning, "May become wet". You don't say! A bench in London may become wet, the public is told. I wonder whether we are doing enough to alert people to this fact, that it is raining in London on average 6 per cent of the time. Perhaps we should have a giant sign at Heathrow saying: "Welcome to Britain - danger of moderate precipitation".Then there is the deranged yellow sign in a Tooting cemetery warning visitors not to fall into open or sunken graves, and that disintegrating gravestones and other memorials may prove lethal to the bystander. But the all-time triumph of the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid - the sign that clinched it for them at this year's awards - was a big road sign that went up in Swansea. The English version said that this was a residential area and there was no entry for heavy goods vehicles. But it was the Welsh translation that represented a masterpiece of Extremely Stupid lobbying. This read: "Nid wyf y swyddfa ar hyn o bryd. Anfonwch unrhyw waith i'w gyfielthu." It was a few months before someone had the nerve to point out that this gnomic message meant: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."
(An extract from an article by Boris Johnson in the 'Daily Telegraph' of July 6th, 2009)
You Couldn't Make it Up...
The P.C. P.C.
When police constable Tony Cobban was asked to pose on a stationary bicycle for a publicity photograph he refused for a very PC reason - he felt the health and safety risks were too great. PC Cobban said he could not oblige as he had not passed his cycling proficiency test and feared he could get into trouble without first having a risk assessment carried out. He refused to even sit on the saddle during the photo shoot at Halfords in Preston, Lanes, where two new bikes were being donated to the police.
The officer has been ridiculed for his political correctness, even though he was following guidelines from his superiors at Lancashire Constabulary. They state that staff who have not taken the exam, which is passed by thousands of schoolchildren every year, are banned from using a bike. "It was basically a health and safety thing," he said. "I was just being cautious as I haven't passed the cycling proficiency test. My personal view would be concern if anything happens to me while on the bike and it hasn't been risk assessed or insured. In this day and age you have to cover all bases. It's the way of the world. I could get on the bike but I'm not massively proficient."
Fortunately, PC Cobban's colleague, PCSO Emma Nixon, had passed the test and was on hand to pose for a picture sitting on one of the bikes. PC Cobban's actions have been criticised, even by the Lancashire Police Authority, the body responsible for the organisation of Lancashire Constabulary.
Potholing the Postie
Royal Mail bosses stopped a street's deliveries for a week after a postman jarred his back while driving over a pothole. He went off sick after the incident, leaving residents in Bell Lane, Smalley, Derbyshire, to collect their mail from a delivery office. Managers refused to resume the service until the hole had been filled in.
Dan Oldershaw, a farmer, said he was "flabbergasted" when he received a letter announcing deliveries had been temporarily suspended. It was hand-delivered by a Royal Mail worker. Mr Oldershaw said: "If it wasn't for the date, I'd have thought it was an April Fool's joke."
The Killer Spoons
A shopper went to a supermarket to stock up on picnic equipment and was asked for proof of age to buy a set of teaspoons. The shop assistant at Asda reportedly informed the customer that someone had once been murdered with a teaspoon, and therefore age identification was required.
The woman had also bought plates and picnic ware at the branch in Halifax, West Yorks, but that did not appear to reassure the shop assistant that her intentions were innocent. Peter McCarthy, the store manager, said an age identification alert would have mistakenly been issued by the till. He said: "I'm not aware of an age restriction for spoons. It's more likely a mix-up with the bar codes."
(All from the Daily Telegraph, May 7th, 2009)
Would You Believe It?
In a surprise press release embargoed until midnight 31 March, it has been revealed that supermarket giant Tesco has obtained permission to expand on to St Faith's church site. In return for a significant cash injection, which will more than solve the church's financial problems, the church will be rebranded as 'FAITHCO' to serve as a retail outlet, linked by an architect designed ornamental bridge from the existing Tesco Express site next door. The congregation will be able to worship on Sunday mornings in a dedicated aisle of the building, and will be allowed to sell church-branded goods under the patented trade name of ALTAR EGO. Staff announcements and what will be called 'heavenly special offers' will be relayed from the pulpit. In deference to the past, on Sundays altar wine only will be sold in the off-licence shop, which is to be situated in the current vicarage. Welcoming the news, Fr Neil declared himself thrilled by this bold vision, and looked forward to joining his people in this exciting venture. 'The church must move with the times,' he declared, 'and I do most of my shopping at Tesco's already. There will be rejoicing in the aisles!'
Only Fools...?
The humourless P.C. brigade has been in action again, as highlighted in The Daily Telegraph.
'Sir David Jason, the actor, has apologised for a joke he made about Pakistanis during a live radio broadcast. He rang a phone-in competition and was asked to suggest a question for the next caller. He replied: "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?", adding the punchline: "Ma-hat-ma-coat".'
The Telegraph dutifully reported the stream of complaints that followed from groups and organisations. Jason was firmly told that he was out of touch with current reality, now that many top jobs in this country are held by British Muslims (!) He was tol, that 'these kind of jokes are not appreciated any more.' (Oh yes they are. Ed.) And the joke was edited out of the online podcast version.
Predictably - and reassuringly - next day's issue carried letters of support for 'one of the nicest people in showbusiness', and provided more jokes in the same vein. Here are some of them.
What do you call...
... a Scottish cloakroom attendant? Angus McCoatup
... an Irish double-glazing fitter? Pat E. O'Doors
... a Scottish insulation expert? Phil McCavity
... a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillippe Filloppe
One letter-writer suumeed it all up splendidly. 'When will public bodies stop presuming to be offended on behalf of ethnic minorities they clearly know nothing about and who do, truly, have a sense of humour.'
(March 28th, 2009)
Christmas Cheer!
As Christmas approached, those whose gallant and tireless efforts seek to protect us from ourselves have been as busy as ever.
Four more for the collection….
A town’s 400-year Christmas custom
of firing muskets into the sky has been banned because of fears that
the noise will scare children.Wimborne Council in Dorset has told the town’s Militia, which re-enacts traditions dating back to the 17th century, that it can no longer fire muskets over the Christmas tree. They said that the noise of the blank shots would be too loud for children and would keep families away from the annual event to mark the switching of the lights.
Plans for Christmas trees in the
streets of Llandovery, Carmarthenshire, have been cancelled, after
local volunteers were told that they risked breaking health and safety
rules if they climbed ladders to put them up.In previous years, a contractor, using a cherrypicker, fixed about 60 trees to ledges over shop fronts and above the market hall. Now councillors and volunteers have been told that they cannot use ladders to pout up the decorations.
Carol-singing Brownies and Guides
have been banned from a shopping centre because they are considered a
health and safety risk.The girls, who range from the age of five to teenagers, have sung for pensioners and disabled people at a late-night Christmas shopping event in Hemel Hempstead for more than 20 years.
But the centre’s managers have not invited the Rainbows, Brownies and Guides back this year for fear the girls will obstruct fire escape routes.
A charity raft race that has never
suffered an accident in its 27-year history has been scrapped because
of the health and safety demands of police and council risk assessors.The authorities demanded that competitors wear £35 seagoing life jackets and that lavatories for the disabled were provided, and suggested that the course should be fenced to stop spectators falling in.
The organiser of the River Rother race said: ‘It’s a race in which people build rafts, float them down the river, have lots of fun and generally get wet, because water is wet. But so many conditions have been imposed on us that we have decided to call it a day. We have always insisted that competitors wear buoyancy aids but we are told that this is not good enough even though all people are doing is paddling a raft down a ditch.’
(November 29th, 2008)
No Shocks for Anglicans?
From the Daily Telegraph, an unfailing source of offbeat and entertaining religious news stories.
“Faith in God can relieve pain, according to the results of a scientific experiment. Research at Oxford University has found that believers can draw on their religion to endure suffering with greater fortitude, suggesting that Christian martyrs may have been able to reduce the agony of torture or slow death.
Academics gave electric shocks to 12 Roman Catholics and 12 atheists as they studied a 17th century picture of the Virgin Mary. They found that the Catholics seemed able to block out much of the pain. Brain scans also showed that the Roman Catholics were able to activate part of the brain associated with conditioning the experience of pain.
The Anglican Bishop of Durham welcomed the findings but said they were ‘no surprise’. He said: ‘The practice of faith should, and in many cases does, alter the person you are.’”
Fascinating. All it needs now is to electrocute a dozen Anglicans, and perhaps as many Nonconformists, to confirm the results. It would also be good to know whether agnostics felt half the pain… Ed
(September 29th, 2008)
Mecca and Mickey
Public conveniences are being specially designed at London’s Olympic Park so that Muslims will not have to face Mecca while sitting on the lavatory.
(Daily Telegraph)
A Saudi cleric has condemned Mickey Mouse as un-Islamic. Sheikh Mohammed all-Munajid said all mice were impure and must be killed, and accused the Disney character of teaching children that mice were loveable. ‘The mouse is one of Satan’s soldiers and is steered by him,’ said the former Saudi diplomat on local TV. ‘Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character even though, according to Islamic law, Mickey should be killed.’
(The Week)
(September 28th, 2008)
Would you believe it...?
Four more choice examples of the lunacy of the age, with references to our favourite hobby horses: health and safety, C.R.B. checks and risk assessments. All come from the Daily Telegraph (but don’t blame them for the ‘headlines’!)
Vicar Unhorsed by Health and Safety
A village festival in which a swashbuckling hero rides through the street is under threat after insurers said the character must walk instead – to protect him from falling off his horse.
For 44 years villagers in Dymchurch, Kent, have celebrated Dr Syn – a quiet vicar by day and a heroic smuggler by night – created by local author Russell Thorndike. Dr Syn galloped through seven novels, donning a scarecrow disguise to fool excisemen and soldiers as he and his band brought food to starving villagers.
For 44 years a local resident has dressed up on the splendidly-named ‘Day of Syn’ to celebrate the local hero. Not any more. The chairman ruefully commented: ‘For 44 years Dr Syn has burst into the festival on horseback. When he makes his entrance people are truly overwhelmed. But this time he had to walk. It just wasn’t the same. This year the insurers just did not want to know because they said riding a horse was a ‘severe’ health and safety risk…’
One Man Didn’t Go to Mow
A council has claimed that it was too dangerous to mow a patch of grass after an 11-year-old boy slipped and cut his leg on glass in the long undergrowth.
When his mother rang Trafford Borough Council to ask them to mow the grass to protect other children, an official told her it would remain untouched because it was considered a hazard under health and safety regulations – and workers might hurt themselves, leading to possible legal action.
Bin There, Done That…
Fylde and Wyre Councils in Lancashire have been accused of wasting taxpayers’ money by making a pointless DVD showing people how to put rubbish in their bins.
To a backing theme of synthesizer music, the film shows a man walking out of his house and setting a green bin firmly on the kerb while a blonde woman carefully drops a bag of household rubbish in a wheelie bin. A woman called Linda is shown searching through one lady’s bin and dragging out an empty cereal box to tell her it could have been recycled with paper. Other invaluable advice offered includes the fact that a twig can be classed as garden waste, while something larger, ‘like a door frame’, could not.
The TaxPayers’ Alliance commented: ‘These DVDs are a complete waste of money and are sure to end up going in the bin…’
Penguins and Paedophiles
Council staff at Telford and Wrekin Council have been ordered to stop and question adults walking in a public park who are not with children.
People out for a stroll or walking their dog could be asked just why they are in the park and placed under suspicion of being paedophiles.
The policy came to light after two environmental campaigners dressed as penguins were thrown out of Telford town park as they handed out leaflets on climate change. They were told they had to leave because they had not undergone Criminal Records Bureau checks or risk assessments before being allowed near children.
(Daily Telegraph news items: added September 13th, 2008)
Hoist by their own...
"More on the perils of the interweb-thingie. The American Family Association (AFA) is a right-wing Christian fundamentalist pressure group that deplores modern moral mores. One of the things that really gets its goat is the use of the word ‘gay’ by, well, gays.
So the news section of the AFA’s website has been set up to automatically replace the word ‘gay’ with ‘homosexual’ wherever it occurs. What could possibly go wrong? Well, as anyone taking a passing interest in last month’s Olympic Games will be aware, one of the fastest men in the world is an American sprinter called Tyson Gay. Before the Games began, an article about Mr Gay’s successes on the track caused the AFA website’s auto-correction function to spring into action:
“Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 metres faster than anyone ever has… ‘It means a lot to me,’ the 25-year-old Homosexual said. ‘I’m glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me.’
Indeed."
(reproduced as printed in ‘The Oldie’ magazine, August 2008, to whom anyone offended rather than delighted by this wonderful true story should complain)
Dear Sir...
Recently, a long-running correspondence in The Daily Telegraph featured real people whose names gave rise to comical misunderstandings or which occasioned a variety of other flippant responses. For those who, like the editor, find such things amusing, a selection appears below. Then first four have a religious flavour; the rest are ones which raised a special smile, once the editor had worked them out…
Sir, Imagine our delight at school near Bristol when our dear Rev Mr Ball was made a Canon.
Eleanor Norman, Hamoon, Dorset
Many years ago the telephone rang on Christmas Day in the porters’ lodge at Jesus College, Cambridge.
‘Hello, is that Jesus?’ asked the undergraduates on the line.
‘Yes,’ said the hapless porter.
They started singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
Jeremy Havard, London SW3
Sir, my wife’s cousin, whose name is Berry, is an Elder at his local church.
Les Wray, Rainton, North Yorkshire
Sir, we arranged for the order of service at my mother’s funeral to end with the not unusual phrase, ‘Requiescat in pace’. Mourners at Brompton Oratory were probably surprised to find that, far from wanting to rest in peace, my mother’s dying wish was, ‘Requires a cat’.
Christopher Batchelor, Penrith, Cumbria
Sir, When I met my wife 42 years ago she was Sandy Jefferies.
Mike Beech, Wokingham, Berkshire
Sir, my paternal aunt never married.
Anthony Leeding, Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex
Sir, I became aware of an electricity linesman at work who signed safety permits as R. Safter. His colleagues referred to him as ‘Headfirst’.
John Pointer, Pitlochry, Perthshire
August 9th, 2008
More Madness...
Fit for Purpose?
A mother has been told that she cannot escort her own son to school until she is screened by the Criminal Records Board (CRB). Jayne Jones used to take her son, who suffers from epilepsy, to school in a taxi carrying specialist equipment in case he suffered a fit en route. But Merthyr Tydfil Council, which provides the taxi service, has now told her this will have to stop until she gets a CRB check. The council says it is a standard requirement.
Hopping Mad
A primary school in Tyne and Wear has decided to drop the three-legged and sack races from its sports day on safety grounds. "We thought we'd do better having hopping and running instead as there is less chance of them falling over," said an organiser.
Beating about the Bush
A council which plans to prune rose bushes in a notorious gay 'cruising' spot has been accused of discriminating against homosexuals. Bristol City Council had wanted to spruce up an area above the Avon Gorge known as the Downs, but the Rainbow Group of lesbian, gay and bisexual council employees says that the proposed changes would represent a threat to gay rights.
All White on the Night...?
When Jonathan Wicks, 20, was told to move on by three white security guards during a night out in Reading, he mocked them for being "honky wannabe cops". Wicks, too, is white, but he was promptly arrested and charged with racial abuse. "It was in jest," he explained. "But they took it very seriously."
(All from the excellent 'Spirit of the Age' collection in recent editions of 'The Week')
July 22nd, 2008
A Superior Senior Moment
THE TIMES Letter of the Year
All those infuriated by call centres, anonymous automated replies and the like are invited to enjoy this item, supplied by Fiona Whalley. A lady of 98 actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and the newspaper thanked him most sincerely.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and 1iabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
July 15th, 2008
A Collection of Crazy Cuttings
An assortment of recent absurdities...
Sorry old fruit, 1mm to small
A greengrocer has been banned from selling Chilean kiwi fruit because they are one millimetre too small. He was not even permitted to give away the 5,000 kiwis and would lose several hundred pounds because of the ban.
Inspectors from the Rural Payments Agency, an arm of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, made a random check and found that a number of kiwis weighed 58g, four grams below the minimum – the equivalent of just a millimetre in diameter.
The market trader guilty of this unpardonable crime claimed that the Europe-wide regulation was enforced with unusual rigour in Britain. ‘There is not a level playing field. This fruit will now go to waste at a time when we are all feeling the pinch.’
Not flying the flag
The mayor of Maidstone has been banned from flying the town’s flag on her official car because it might fall off.
The decision has been made on health and safety grounds amid fears that the crest – all of eight inches high and four across – could pose a danger to other road users. However, officials at the town hall admitted that they could think of no previous occasion when a flag had become detached from the chauffeur-driven Lexus.
Get off your bike, bobby!
A village policeman has been banned from riding his bicycle on duty until he passes a cycling test.
Nick Barker patrolled the Kent countryside by bike until senior officers realised he had not completed his Basic Police Cycle Skills Test. He had been riding a bike since he was a boy, but now has to travel between the villages he patrols by bus and then walk several miles to reach outlying houses and farms.
A policeman who has passed the test said it involved ‘going around cones, like on a cycling proficiency course at school’. He also learned ‘how to cycle down steps at speed and how to dismount from a bike quickly to apprehend a suspect.’
(All as reported in the Daily Telegraph)
Branching out
Homeowners face having to pay specialists to inspect the trees in their gardens every three years under proposals drawn up by the British Standards Institution. The aim is to avert the danger of ‘branch shedding’ and ‘whole tree failure’ which account for around six deaths in the UK each year. By contrast, more than 4,000 people a year are killed by accidents in their homes.
Brain death
Tunbridge Wells Borough Council has banned the use of the word ‘brainstorming’ from use in meetings, in case it causes offence to epileptics and the mentally unstable. ‘We take diversity awareness very seriously,’ said a council spokesman. ‘Staff have been asked to use the term “thought showers” instead.’
(These two from the ‘Spirit of the Age’ column in ‘The Week’)
June 29th, 2008
'To drink or not to drink...?'
A vigilant reader of The Oldie magazine spotted this entertaining contradiction outside Tyneham Chuch in Dorset
