A student union is seeking to ban students from dressing up as
Tories at fancy dress parties to avoid causing offence. Kent
University's student union has drafted a set of guidelines which
say that costumes should not be "offensive, discriminatory and
prejudice (they mean prejudicial, but hey! they're students
with better things to do than worrying about grammar. Ed)
to an individual's race, gender, disability or sexual
orientation or based on stereotypes". This is to ensure that the
university is a "safe space" for undergraduates,where no one is
embarrassed or upset by seeing a fellow student's costume.
Dressing
up as "Tories" and "chavs" are given as examples of costumes to
avoid, as these would breach the "class and political
stereotypes" section of the guidance. Among the dozens of
outfits it
deems "offensive" are cowboys, Native Americans, priests and
nuns, and anyone who wears a Mexican sombrero.
Students have also been warned against anything that has a sensitive historical or religious connotations. It gives the Crusades, Isil bombers, Israeli soldiers and the Prophet Mohammed as examples of costumes to avoid.
Aaron
Thompson, the Kent Union president, said: "We would ask students
to be mindful of their choices and whether any offence could be
caused."
Camilla
Turner Education editor, The Daily Telegraph
October 15th, 2018
Poppycock at Cambridge
Cambridge University's Student Union (CUSU) has voted down a
motion to promote Remembrance Sunday amid fears about the
"glorification" of conflict.
The motion called on the university, its colleges and faculties to be "more proactive in promoting the cause of Remembrance". This could include asking for a minute's silence on Remembrance Sunday and sending email reminders to students about the availability of poppies, the motion said. It encouraged the commemoration of British veterans, adding that CUSU should "ensure that remembrance day becomes a well-established and'well-marked event across the university".
But the motion, which was put forward by two members of the university's Conservative Association (CUCA), was rejected by students during their first meeting of the new academic year.
The move came after an amendment was voted through, which noted the efforts of various organisations to "reshape remembrance away from glorification and valorisation of war" and to campaign "against militarism". The amendment, proposed by student activist Stella Swain, struck out references to "British war veterans", "Remembrance Day" and "poppies".
Instead, Ms Swain argued that "all lives lost and affected by war" should be commemorated and that students should be encouraged to engage in "productive criticism" of war. She said she wanted to "reflect the status of the university as an international institution" and argued that it was "vital that we recognise all different backgrounds and don't just focus on British war veterans".
James Palmer, mayor of Cambridgeshire and Peterborough, said the motionbrings "great shame" to Cambridge and shows "disdain" for the Armed Forces. He told The Daily Telegraph: "It is something I find very difficult to comprehend - that [students] can't be grateful and respectful of previous generations and their sacrifices. It is easy to judge from a distance when you have the luxury of a safe and comfortable democracy. We have an enormous debt to [our] Armed Forces in this country."
Cambridge University's Conservative Association said it was "shocking" that the motion was not passed, as they accused students of seeking to "erase" the memory of veterans.
Timur Coskun, the association's chairman, said that while Remembrance Sunday events are held across the university "many students unfortunately do not wear poppies".
A CUSU spokesman said: "Discussions were not about erasing the past, but broadening the focus of remembrance to include those who suffered and died wherever they were in the world." He added that presidents of both the undergraduate and postgraduate student unions will lay wreaths at a Remembrance Sunday event.
Camilla
Turner Education editor, The Daily Telegraph
October 12th, 2018
The line to heaven by Christ was made
With heavenly truth the Rails are laid.
From Earth to Heaven the Line extends
To Life Eternal where it ends.
Repentance is the Station then
Where passengers are taken in
No Fee for them is there to pay
For Jesus is himself the way.
God’s Word is the first Engineer
It points the way to Heaven so clear
Through tunnels dark and dreary here
It does the way to Glory steer.
God’s Love the Fire, his Truth the Steam,
Which drives the Engine and the Train.
All you who would to Glory ride
Must come to Christ, in him abide,
In First, and Second, and Third Class
Repentance, Faith and Holiness,
You must the way to Glory gain
Or you with Christ will not remain.
Come then poor sinners, now’s the time
At any Station on the Line,
If you repent and turn from sin,
The train will stop and take you in.
Calling the
Disrepectful Midwife
Midwives should not say "good girl" to women in labour
because it is disrespectful, according to new advice.
Other words to avoid include describing a baby as big or
referring to a woman in labour as "she" in the guide
published in the BMJ.
In the advice, the authors admitted some might think such caution was “political correctness gone mad" but said changes were needed to "instil a culture of respect" for mothers-to-be. Instead of using the term "good girl," medics are asked to say, "you're doing really well" to encourage a women during labour. They are also asked to avoid the use of the phrase "big baby" in case it makes women anxious, and not to talk about "fetal distress". Instead larger infants should be described as "healthy", while fetal distress should be described as "changes in the baby's heart rate pattern," they state.
The advice says midwives and obstetricians should never address the pregnant woman as a "she" when they are discussing the situation at hand. Instead, they should always refer to her by her first name, the guide says.
Prof Andrew Weeks, from the International Maternal Health Care at the University of Liverpool; Natalie Mobbs, a medical student at Liverpool; and Catherine Williams, a committee member of National Maternity Voices, drew up the new tips.
Writing in the BMJ, they said: "Language matters as a way of respecting women's views and ensuring that they are empowered to make decisions. The use of insensitive language can be indicative of an underlying malaise, which reveals underlying attitudes and prejudices.
"It is essential that we achieve respectful practice, ensuring that women have complete understanding and control of their own care. Although eyes may roll at the thought of 'political correctness gone mad' the change is well founded," they said.
If a medical procedure doesn't work, midwives should describe the attempt as "unsuccessful", rather than "'failed". And it also says plain English should be used instead of medical jargon.
The guide also asks midwives to avoid discouraging or insensitive language, such as the phrase "terminate pregnancy". Instead, women should be told it is a "compassionate induction". "Rupture the membranes" should be replaced with "release the waters".
Laura Donnelly, Health Editor, The Daily Telegraph
A vicar who claimed over-zealous traffic wardens were preying on
her Sunday congregations has caught them parking on double
yellow lines.
The Rev Bev Mason, the vicar at Bingley All Saints, Yorkshire, photographed the van as the ‘merciless; wardens patrolled on Sunday. She said: 'They were going round giving more of our churchgoers tickets at the time. I called out to the two men: ‘Is this your van?’ and they were mortified.
The
vicar, who has picked up four tickets herself, added that
members of her congregation were ‘so kind and live holy lives
yet they feel they are being penalised for it.’
Keystone cop needs lift from
suspect's mother
A policeman who accidentally locked his car keys in the boot of his panda car had to ask a suspect's mother for a lift to the police station.
The officer for Nottinghamshire Police had been sent to the home of a "well-known crook", who lived with his mother, to arrest him for assault. After handcuffing the suspect and leading him out to his car, the officer locked his car keys in the boot.
He had to "sheepishly" knock on the door to ask the suspect's mother if she had a car and if she could give him and her son a lift to the police station. The mother agreed and ushered her son and the policeman - still handcuffed together- into the back of her two-door Vauxhall Corsa. She drove them three miles to the local police station.
The incident last month was described in the Police Federation magazine. The report stated: "The officer, having seized vital evidence from the suspect's bedroom, carefully placed it in the boot of the police car and then promptly locked the car keys inside."
A police source said:
"The officer was the laughing stock of the nick and he'll never
live this one down."
Cock-a-doodle-ooh... a man who
suffered for his art
A South African performance artist who tied a live rooster to his penis during an impromptu open-air show near the Eiffel Tower was found guilty yesterday of "sexual exhibitionism". However, the Paris court did not imppse a sentence.
Last September, Steven Cohen danced on the French capital's Trocadero Plaza dressed in a corset, high heels, long red gloves and an elaborate leathered headdress with a rooster attached to his penis by a ribbon.
Under the amused and perplexed gaze of tourists, including a group of nuns, the spectacle lasted only a few moments before police arrested Mr Cohen, dragging him across the plaza, rooster attached.
Mr Cohen said the authorities
had "no understanding of what art is, what performance is".
All
in that esteemed
organ, the Daily
Telegraph on the
same day, May
6th, 2014
The guidance also suggest that officers should wear their
helmets at all times in public – even when rushing out of a
patrol car to chase down a suspect.
Their pronouncements on
the acceptable curvature of cucumbers and bananas have already
proved unpalatable. Now the infamous bureaucrats of Brussels
have made another baffling food judgment, ruling that a swede
can be called a turnip when it’s in a Cornish pasty.
They have decreed that only minced or diced beef, sliced
potato, onion and swede can fill the pasties. However,
the Cornish are unique in referring to Swedes as turnips,
despite the distinct differences. Because of this linguistic
quirk, the regulations have been amended to allow either term
to go on the label, even though only swede is allowed. It
means that Cornish pasties can be advertised as containing
turnip, but will break the rules if they actually contain it.
A motorist rang her
council to ask if its car park was haunted, because her
vehicle seemed to have moved to another space while she was
away shopping. Other bizarre inquiries to town halls included
a man who asked if he could roll up a zebra crossing, and
another who wanted to know if he could register the death of
someone who was still alive.
A grandfather who bought
a birthday card for a two year-old was stunned to find the
label: ‘not suitable for children under three years old.’
Various press reports,
August 2010
Foreign Words that Leave you Speechless
Speakers of the
world’s richest language are not
used to being lost for words. But it seems
there are some things that English
speakers cannot describe — despite
having more than 250,000 terms at
their disposal.
A new book has listed foreign words
for which there is no direct
counterpart in English.
If asked to
describe a woman who stands on her
doorstep screaming obscenities at
her children, an English speaker
would struggle to find a precise
phrase. Any Danish person would tell
you that such a woman is called a “kaeffing”.
The experience of hesitating when
you are introducing
someone whose name you can’t
remember may be familiar — but you
would be hard pressed to sum it up
in a single word. A Scot would
tell you that to hesitate in such a
way is simply to “tartle”.
Adam Jacot de
Boinod culled words from 300
languages for his book I Never Knew
There WasA Word For it which is
released by Penguin Books.
He discovered
that a man who hangs around cafés
and eats leftovers is called a “bufetak”
in the Czech Republic,while someone
who is only attractive from a
distance is “Layogenic”
in Tagalog - the language of the
Philippines.
A young man who
tries to seduce his aunt is a “tantenverfuhrer”
in German, while a person who is
aroused by garlic is a “physiggoomai”
in ancient Greek.
Mr De Boinod,
50, came up with the idea for the
book while working as a researcher
on the BBC quiz show QI. It also
includes a list of English words
with very different meanings in
other countries. “Honk”
means eyebrow in Armenian, while a “snog”
in Denmark is a grass snake.
The
Daily Telegraph, August 2010
Outrage as
Anglican vicar gives sacrament to pet
dog.
An Anglican church in Canada has
become the focus of controversy
after a vicar gave Holy Communion to
a pet dog. The priest gave Communion
bread, considered by Anglicans to
represent the body of Jesus Christ,
to an Alsatian-cross called Trapper.
St Peter’s Anglican Church in
Toronto has been deluged with
complaints by Christians throughout
the country. Donald Keith, the dog’s
owner, said he took his pet to the
church because he had heard animals
were welcome.
Because he was a newcomer, the
vicar, the Rev Marguerite Rea,
invited him in person to receive
communion. “The minister said, ‘Come
up and take communion’, and Trapper
came up with me and the minister
gave him communion as well,” said Mr
Keith.
Mr Keith said he thought it was a
“nice way to welcome me into the
church. There was an old lady in the
front just beaming when she saw
this. Ninety-nine-point-nine per
cent of the people in the church
love Trapper and the kids play with
him.”
He claimed that one member of the
congregation was unhappy and
complained to the archbishop. The
dog has since been banned from
receiving Holy Communion. Mrs Rea
has since apologised to the area
bishop, Patrick Yu, who was sent to
investigate the complaint. He said
the vicar was “quite embarrassed” by
her gaffe.
The bishop said it was “not the
policy of the Anglican Church to
give communion to animals”. He
added: “Unless there is any further
evidence that she is giving
communion to animals, the matter is
closed. We are, after all, in the
forgiveness and repair business.”
A
marvellous story (July 27th, 2010)
again taken from the ever-vigilant
Daily Telegraph. As so often, we
note the absurdities perpetrated
by the reporter. To begin with,
there is the suggestion that
somehow Anglicans are uniquely
strange in believing in the divine
presence in the eucharist. Then
there is the odd concept of having
to ban the animal from future
sacramental participation (no
doubt someone will tell Trapper!).
Finally, the bishop speaks of the
church as being in the
‘forgiveness and repair’ business.
He clearly thinks the vicar needs
forgiving – but it is not exactly
obvious who needs repairingPerhaps
they do things differently in
Canada, or are they all barking
mad?
Tweetness and
light
A Church minister is to conduct the
first communion service on Twitter,
the social networking site.
In a modern spin on
Christianity’s most sacred rite,
worshippers are invited to break
bread and drink wine or juice in
front of their computers as they
follow the service online.
Churches usually require a
priest to take the Eucharist, but
the Rev Tim Ross, a Methodist
minister, will send out a prayer in
a series of tweets - messages of up
to 140 characters — to users of the
site. Those following the service
will read out each tweet before
typing Amen as a reply.
The move is likely to upset
traditionalists but Mr Ross said it
was an important step in uniting
Christians around the world and
reaching those who might not
normally go to church. Hundreds of
people have registered to follow the
service and Mr Ross hopes that will
grow to thousands by the lime he
sends out the tweets next month.
“Twitter offers unique
possibilities for the Church,” he
said. “It’s a community that’s as
real and tangible as any local
neighbourhood and we should be
looking to minister to it.”
Karen Burke, a media officer
for the Methodist Church, said it
supported “the exploration of
spirituality on the internet”. She
said: “While communion normally
reflects the celebration of God’s
love in a body of people gathered in
one place, there is a strong
tradition of celebrating that love
in more transient and informal
communities’
The Daily
Telegraph, from which
this report (and the headline
above) are lifted, commented on
the idea in an editorial. The
development, it said 'suggests a
whole host of holy new
possibilities for Twitter. There
seems no reason why other
sacraments might not also be
administered by tweet: "Do u
@natalie take @harry..." for
instance. Certain adjustments in
the liturgy will be called for, of
course: "Please turn to No 386 in
your collection of ringtones..."
But the 140-character limit should
inspire a blessed brevity in
sermons: "Dearly beloved, we are
not gathered here today..."
Hello, hello, hello!
Three more
entertaining clippings from the
papers
Police officers
have been handed an official leaflet
showing them how to tuck their
shirts in properly and tie their
shoelaces.
Sussex Police introduced a new
‘practical, fit-for-purpose’ uniform
in May, and issued 3,200 officers
with advice on ‘how to wear’ it.
The guidance contrasts a ‘prim and
proper’ policeman and a ‘shabby’
colleague, with his shirt hanging
out and his shoelaces undone.
Two Middle
Eastern-style ‘Nile pan’ lavatories,
little more than holes in the
ground, have been installed in a
Rochdale shopping centre,
apparently in an attempt to
accommodate shoppers from different
cultural backgrounds.
M.P. Philip Davies said: ‘It’s
absolutely ludicrous – Thomas
Crapper would be turning in his
grave.’
A new trawl
through the birth records has
revealed that 20 babies born since
the Second World War have been named
Adolf.
The research also revealed some
unusual trends, with ten babies in
Lancashire in the 19th century named
Fish Fish, and one registered with
the full name Fish Fish Fish.
The Oldie, July 2010
Would You Believe
It?
Four
oddities noted in recent weeks in the press
An Australian publishing company has pulped and reprinted
7,000 copies of a pasta cookbook that advised people to use
‘salt and freshly ground black people’ in a tagliatelle dish .
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee.
Carl Geary, 55, won three times as many votes as his rival,
Barbara Brock, even though he had suffered a fatal heart
attack at the start of the campaign. ‘I knew he was deceased
but we wanted someone other than her,’ said one local. ‘If he
were to run again next week, I’d vote for him again.’
Police have introduced the first speed trap on the Isles of
Scilly… on an island with only six miles of road. Officers on
St Mary’s, population 1,600, have taken delivery of a radar
gun. The island has a 60 mph speed limit, but police admitted
that its roads contain so many bens that t is virtually
impossible to drive that fast. Since the radar gun has been
introduced, the fastest vehicle recorded had been a moped
travelling at 34 mph.
And finally, a letter in the ‘Daily Telegraph’:
Sir,
The Church of Ireland’s 2004 Book of Common Prayer instructs
those presenting themselves for confirmation not to covet
their neighbours’ houses – and not to cover their neighbours’
wives.
May 24th, 2010
What... the Devil?
‘The
devil is lurking in the very heart
of the Roman Catholic Church, the
Vatican’s chief exorcist claimed
yesterday.’
Thus wrote the Daily Telegraph’s
Nick Squires recently. The aforesaid
exorcist, Father Gabrielle Amorth,
claimed that the Christmas Eve
assault on the Pope, together with
the sex abuse scandals engulfing the
Church worldwide,’ were proof that
the Anti-Christ was waging a war
against the holy See’.
The evil influence of Satan, he
believes, was evident in the highest
ranks of the Catholic hierarchy,
with ‘cardinals who do not believe
in Jesus and bishops who are linked
to the demon,’ he said. Although
some Catholics mistrust the concept
of exorcism, the Pope apparently has
no such doubts.
The 85-year-old Fr Amorth, who has
been in post for 25 years, claims to
have performed 70,000 exorcisms.
Possessed people, he says, scream,
utter blasphemies and spit out
‘pieces of iron as long as a finger,
but also rose petals.’
Unholy Smoke
Incense is making us ill,
say parishioners
The Daily Telegraph again, and in
the same issue. A reporter reports
that ‘claims that incense burned in
church services is making members of
the congregation ill are being
investigated by environmental health
officials.’
A 73-year-old man has said he was
forced to stay away from the church
he had attended for 19 years because
of illness from inhaling the
sweet-smelling smoke. Apparently
several other parishioners at St
Paul’s in Chichester had to leave
the church feeling dizzy and unwell.
As a result the local Council have
inspected the church and are
awaiting a Health and Safety
Executive report.
The aggrieved gentleman holds forth:
‘I emailed the reverend (!) but was
told the church council had taken
advice and had been informed there
was no health risk. They are
ignoring the fact that there is a
lot of evidence that these particles
are so deadly and dangerous. The
thought that people are breathing in
particles which could make them ill
makes me so mad.’
The Telegraph reporter tells us that
‘research scientists have found that
the air in some churches where
incense was burned was more toxic
than the air along roads with high
levels of traffic.’ As a result of
the furore the incumbent will now
inform parishioners when incense is
due to be burned.
March 13th, 2010
Common Sense R.I.P.
An Obituary printed in the
Times........
Today we mourn the passing of a
beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as: knowing when to
come in out of the rain; why the
early bird gets the worm;lLife
isn't always fair; and maybe it was
my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies (don't
spend more than you can earn)
and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge). His
health began to deteriorate rapidly
when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in
place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch; and
a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when
parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves
had failed to do in disciplining
their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools
were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or
an Aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents
when a student became pregnant and
wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to
live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals
received better treatment than their
victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn't defend
yourself from a
burglar in your own home and
the burglar could sue you for
assault.
Common Sense finally gave up
the will to live, after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming
cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in
death, by his parents, Truth and
Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by
his daughter, Responsibility, and by
his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4
stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I
Want It Now; Someone Else Is
To Blame and I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.
(February 13th, 2010)
Priest called in
to banish pitch demons
Marine
bad luck blamed on evil spirits
Food for thought
in the banner headline on the front
page of our local newspaper
recently. Marine F.C., our local
team, have been suffering a run of
unnaturally bad luck recently, it
transpires. They have lost their
last five games, been knocked out of
two competitions and had their only
recent potential victory ‘scrubbed
out due to a freak floodlight
failure.’
‘Coupled with an
horrific injury list that has seen
THREE players sidelined with broken
legs – one of whom faces the agony
of his leg being re-broken by
doctors,’ the club’s manager, the
paper reports, ‘is convinced all is
not right at the Arriva’ (stadium)
And he has called in a Roman
Catholic priest from down the road
in Roby to ‘banish demons from the
team’s stadium’ (and possibly to
banish the Powers of Darkness and
keep the lights working?)
The priest duly
prayed over the pitch, before
‘sprinkling holy water in the
goalmouths and across the playing
surface.’
Only time will
tell how effectively the prayed-for
divine intervention will prove, and
we of course wish Marine every
blessing. The report lists the next
home fixture as being against Kendal
Town. This writer hopes that they
will not have heard about this turn
of events, for fear that they might
bring along their bishop to pray for
their success. Heaven alone knows
what would happen….
Meanwhile, should Marine do really
well, it might be worth asking the
Vicar to sprinkle the church
overdraft or pray over this writer's
church lottery numbers.
(January
29th, 2010)
A Sting in the Tale
An elderly
Polish beekeeper who passed out
after being stung woke up inside a
coffin. He had been pronounced dead
from a heart attack, covered in a
white sheet, collected by
undertakers and taken to a funeral
parlour.
It was then that
he woke and shouted for help. ‘He
was shouting and banging on the
coffin – he made enough noise to
raise the dead so we couldn’t miss
him,’ said the undertaker. The man
was taken to hospital and released
after a few days. ‘The undertaker
saved my life,’ he said. ‘The first
thing I did when I came out of
hospital was to take him a pot of
honey.’
This column
enjoys making excruciating headlines
for its borrowings, but cannot hope
to better the one provided by The
Daily Telegraph, where this snippet
occurred on January 26th.
Their
headline: ‘O sting,
where is thy death?’
Chris Price
Just when it seemed that
ecumenical relations were thawing,
an Anglican bishop has launched a
vicious attack on the morals of
Roman Catholic monks. Obviously,
this statement needs qualifying…
According to a report in The
Times, the Bishop of Aberdeen and
the Orkneys in the Scottish
Episcopal Church (that’s the
Anglican church in the frozen
north) has accused the Devon-based
Roman Catholic monks of Buckfast
Abbey of betraying Christian
values.
They
are
the
mass
producers
of
Buckfast
fortified
wine,
‘regarded
by
some
as
the
scourge
of
Scotland’,
according
to
reporter
Melanie
Read.
Bishop
Gillies
says:
‘What
sort
of moral double-take is there that
these monks can be so closely
associated with that product and
knowingly aware of the social
damage as well as the medical
damage it is doing to the kids who
take it in such vast volumes? The
monks at Buckfast are in a
Benedictine monastery founded upon
the rule of St Benedict, who urged
his monks to live a simple life… I
would have thought he would have
been very, very unhappy with what
his monks are doing nowadays.’
The reason for this sense of
outrage? The drink known
colloquially as Buckie has
featured in 5,000 crimes in the
last three years reported by
Stratchclyde Police, including 114
uses of the bottle as a weapon.
Each bottle contains more than 11
units of alcohol, is 15% proof and
contains more caffeine than eight
cans of cola. The monks sell £37
million worth of the drink a year.
Broken Buckfast bottles make up
54% of dangerous litter in
Scottish housing estates. There
are more than 200 Facebook groups
dedicated to it. Tellingly, it is
known colloquially as Wreck the
Hoose Juice, Commotion
Lotion, Bottle of Fight the World,
Bottle of Beat the Wife, Liquid
Speed and Scranjuice.
Not surprisingly, the monks of
Buckfast Abbey turned down a
request by the BBC to discuss
their Special Brew, while a
spokesman for the company that
distributes the drink absolves
them of blame. ‘Why should
they accept moral responsibility?
They’re not up there pouring their
Buckfast down somebody’s throat.
They produce a good product. I
drink it. Now if I thought there
was something wrong with it, would
I drink it…?’ The company
have threatened to sue public
figures who criticise the drink.
Here in the temperate south (!)
Buckie has possibly yet to take
hold, and moderate bishops of the
good old CofE have yet to
pronounce anathema over it. And
one can only wonder, now that
taking communion in both kinds has
restored wine to the sanctuaries
of the United Benefice, what might
happen if the good monks of
Buckfast brought out a really
full-bodied altar wine to liven up
our Sunday mornings. It might at
least slow down the decline in
communicants…his writer seems to
recall the original invitation to
partake of the communion cup was
pleasingly phrased, ‘Drink Ye All
Of This’….
January
19th, 2010
The Daily
Telegraph has been livening up
the dark days with readers'
letters about mistranslations
and associated comic usages.
This selection featured on
January 5th, 2010
SIR - I am particularly fond of
the section The
Train in my old
English-German conversational
dictionary, which contains the
following exchanges: "You are
aware that I have occupied this
seat since..." "My luggage was
on it." "Guard, inform this
gentleman that he must
relinquish my seat." "Let us
cross legs so as to sit more at
ease."
SIR - I have an
English-Gaelic phrase book
bought in Oban that contains,
among other joys, ‘Fetch me half
a munchkin’ and the rather
sinister ‘Shall I beat him?'
SIR - When I was
serving in the British Embassy
at Tripoli in the Seventies, a
colleague found a translation of
"traditional Libyan sayings" in
a local bookshop. Our favourite
was: "He whose trousers are made
of esparto grass should not
stand too close to the fire."
SIR - The
idiosyncrasies of translation
into English are not confined to
phrase books. Travel brochures
contain some priceless examples,
including one for a prestigious
hotel in Lisbon: "As our guests
descend the grand staircase they
will be impressed by our
collection of suggestive
pictures."
SIR - A pamphlet
given to me on entry to a French
campsite contained the
following: "Campers are
requested to speak slowly after
midnight so as not to disturb
the dreamers’
SIR - The most
ridiculous phrase I have heard
in any language comes from the
website Living
in Indonesia:
"Kuku-kuku kaki kakak kakek-ku
kaku-kaku." It means "My
grandfather's older brother's
toenails are stiff", and should
not be attempted while eating
cake.
Look Back with
Laughter
A
final selection of some of the
entertaining reports in last year's
papers
Three
nuns were pulled over on a
road near Turin after they were
clocked travelling at more than
110mph in a Ford Fiesta. The driver,
Sister Tavoletta, 56, explained that
they were hurrying to see the Pope
after hearing that he had fractured
his wrist in a fall. ‘We were on our
way to make sure he was OK,’ she
said. ‘Hopefully Sister
Tavoletta will confess to her
bad driving next time she goes to
confession,’ said a police
spokesman. ‘ But in the meantime she
will have to pay the speeding fine.’
A
confectionery firm came
under fire for featuring fruity
characters apparently engaging in
sexual acts on its wrappers. Simon
Simpkins of Pontefract said he was
shocked by the ‘porno’ poses when he
bought the sweets for his children.
'The lemon and lime are locked in
what appears to be a carnal
encounter,’ he told The Sun. ‘The
lime, who I assume to be the
gentleman in this couple, has a
particularly lurid expression on his
face. I demanded to see the
shop manager and, during a heated
exchange, my wife became distressed
and had to sit in the car park.’
Police
hunting Ireland’s most
dangerous driver finally uncovered
his identity. Computer records
showed that Prawo Jazdy had clocked
up no fewer than 50 offences, but
each time his licence was registered
to a different address. Finally, an
officer worked out that ‘Prawo
Jazdy’ is Polish for ‘driving
licence’. Officers had been writing
it down as the driver’s name.
The
Week: January 2nd, 2010
Bedford: Parents were
banned from attending their children's sports day after
organisers said it would make it impossible to guard against
paedophiles. Pupils from four primary schools competed at the
East Bedfordshire School Sports Day without spectators. "If we
let parents in, they would have been free to roam the
grounds," said a spokesman. "All unsupervised adults must be
kept away from children."
London: Schools in
Waltham Forest and Newham were told to close on three
Muslim, Hindu and Sikh holy days this autumn, regardless
of the religious mix of their pupils. In Waltham Forest,
Hindus form 2% of the population and Sikhs just 0.6%. There
are more Jewish people than Sikhs in the borough yet schools
were not told to close for any Jewish festivals.
London: Swimmers at an
outdoor pool in East London were told they could not go for a
dip if the weather was too wet. Customers at the London Fields
Lido in Hackney (right) were made to wait outside when it
rained, because staff said the shower could cloud the water,
making it hard for lifeguards to see into the pool. Hackney
council confirmed that this was part of its health-and-safety
policy.
The Government spent
£24,765 removing one noun from the name of a Whitehall
department. The Department for Communities and Local
Government (DCLG) was rebranded as Communities and Local
Government (CLG), requiring a new logo and headed paper. A
minister told MPs that the rebranding was necessary to
"emphasise the mission of the department".
Teachers were given a
training manual on how to use a full stop. The manual, part of
the National Literacy Strategy, contained advice such as:
"Verbs are very important. They are the words that tell you
what is happening in a sentence.’
A report that took two
years to compile and cost taxpayers £500,000 concluded that
rail passengers were liable to experience "negative” feelings
if their train was late and no one told them why.
Farmers were advised
to wear earmuffs when feeding pigs, to protect themselves from
"dangerously" loud squeals. The Health and Safety Executive
said the noise of hungry pigs could be as damaging to hearing
as that of a chainsaw or power drill, and suggested using
mechanical feeders to avoid exposure altogether.
With renewed
acknowledgement to The
Week: December 30th, 2009
The Spirit of Britain
Thanks
to that excellent publication,
‘The Week’, we are happy to
present the first instalment of
their annual cull of absurd
examples of political correctness,
bureaucratic inanities and fatuous
warnings emanating from official
quarters during the year now
ending.
Edinburgh:
The Scottish parliament's website
has been translated into Scots
dialect, as part of an £800,000
overhaul to make the site available
in 14 "languages". "Walcome tae the
Scottish pairlament wabsite," reads
the introduction. "The Scottish
pairlament is here for tae represent
aw Scotlan's folk." Scholars
disagree on whether Scots dialect -
as opposed to Gaelic - is a language
at all, but the Scottish Executive
says the translation is necessary to
prevent discrimination.
Southport:
When Rita Longbottom, a Southport
pensioner with dementia, locked
herself out of her care-home flat, a
live-in manager refused to use a
master key to let her in -because
her shift had ended, and she did not
wish to violate the new EU
working-time directive, which calls
for an 11-hour break between shifts.
Instead, a neighbour had to alert a
call centre in Bradford, which sent
a locksmith from Bolton.
Derby:
Fly-fishermen were banned from
casting their flies at a Derbyshire
reservoir, lest they injure
passers-by. Every year, thousands of
anglers fish at the Foremark
Reservoir, which is run by the local
water board. No one has been snared
in its 40-year history.
Birmingham:
Birmingham City Council announced
that all apostrophes were to be
banished from street signs.
Councillor Martin Mullaney said it
was important to have a consistent
policy, and that there was no longer
any need for a possessive apostrophe
in most place names, "since the
monarchy no
longer owns Kings Heath or Kings
Norton.
Oxford:
The ladders that for 400 years had
allowed students to reach the top
shelves at the Bodleian Library in
Oxford (right) were removed because
of safety fears. But the library
said the books would have to remain
in their "historic location", out of
reach, leaving students to travel as
far as the British Library in London
to find other copies.
Preston:
A GPs' surgery in Preston,
Lancashire, was docked £375 because
it hadn't received any complaints.
Under the current NHS system,
surgeries are rewarded for hitting
targets, one of which is to show how
they deal with complaints. Since the
Preston surgery didn't get any, it
lost out. A spokesman for the local
NHS trust said it had to follow
guidelines.
Sheffield:
A new primary school in Sheffield
decided to omit the word "school"
from its title because it had
"negative connotations". Watercliffe
Meadow calls itself a "place for
learning". Meanwhile, 13 secondary
schools in Barnsley were also
re-branded - as "advanced learning
centres".
December
29th, 2009
Lost in
Translation
A selection of
guaranteed genuine notices from
assorted world-wide
establiushments.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A
WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge,
Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER
DISEASES.
Dry cleaners,
Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE
BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi
restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR
WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
MANAGER.
On the main road to
Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER,THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at
Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT
READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND
WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM
PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules
and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a
Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO
HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES
WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH
PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a
Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE
CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in
Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR
BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR
INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY
ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF
ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT
IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE
USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Airline ticket
office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM
IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE
AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
GOOD TIME.
Supplied by a retired
clerical gentleman who would probably prefer to remain
anonymous: December 20th, 2009
Do They Think
We're That Stupid?
After the previous item,
it's a relief to get back to
some genuine examples of
overkill on commerical
products...
On the bottom of a Tesco’s
Tiramisu dessert… ‘Do not turn
upside down’
On Sainsbury’s peanuts…
‘Warning: contains nuts’
On Boot’s Children’s Cough
Medicine… ‘Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking
this medication’
On Marks & Spencer
Bread Pudding… ‘Product will be
hot after heating’
On a Sears hairdryer… ‘Do
not use while sleeping’
On a bag of Fritos… ‘You
could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside’
On some Findus frozen
dinners… ‘Serving suggestion:
Defrost’
On packaging for a Rowenta
iron… ‘Do not iron clothes on
body’
On Nytol Sleep Aid…
‘Warning: may cause drowsiness’
On Christmas lights… ‘For
indoor or outdoor use only’
On a child’s Superman
costume… ‘Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly’
(With thanks to Susan
Gothard, St Peter’s, Formby
magazine)
Demistifying Data
Protection
After so many ludicrous
examples of the excesses of the 'nanny state',
over-protective bureaucracy and the zealous enforcement of
health and safety legislation, it is only right to reproduce
an article from the Daily Telegraph of November 27th,
2009, in which Christopher Hope, the paper's Whitehall
Editor, puts a reassuring and sensible perspective on the
issue. This is what he wrote:
Parents are not breaking data protection rules if they take
photographs of children taking part in school nativity plays,
the information watchdog has said. Christopher Graham, the
information commissioner, also said he wanted to scotch other
"myths" about the Data Protection Act.
The commissioner said the problem was that some organisations
commonly used the 1998 Act like health and safety legislation,
to stop people behaving normally. "Some people still don't
seem to get it and a lot of people need help," he said. "Data
protection is becoming a term of abuse like health and safety.
It has been very difficult to dispel the myth - and we want to
demystify data protection."
Typical examples included the repeated fiction, he said, that it broke data protection laws to take private photographs of children at school sport days or nativity plays. In fact, parents, friends and family members can take photos or video of their children and friends who are taking part in school activities. The legislation would apply for photos taken for official use by schools and colleges.
Data protection rules also should not stop clergymen from praying for sick parishioners by name in church, while it was wrong for organisations to use "data protection" as a reason not to disclose a customer's details to a third party, such as a friend or family member. Instead as long as the organisation was satisfied that the person asking for the information was authorised to access it, then the information could be handed over.
In another case it emerged this month that a postman had
refused to deliver a parcel which had to be signed for, when
it became apparent the recipient was a nine-day-old baby. An
adult could have signed for the package, said Mr Graham.
Unveiling a "myth-busting" guide to the legislation, he said:
"Security breaches, inaccurate records and instances of data
being held for too long are too common. This new guide will
help organisations comply with the law and demystify data
protection."
It'll be his
Funeral...!
A Swedish family is demanding
£27,000 compensation from a pastor
who slurred his way through a
funeral service while sipping from a
glass of wine and making rude
comments.
The clergyman is accused of being so
wobbly at one point during the
service for an 80-year-old woman
that he almost fell to his knees.
He is alleged to have pulled himself
back up "using the altar like it was
a climbing frame for an ape".
When he regained his balance, he
told the congregation: "Bit dodgy
that - someone left a banana skin
here." He is also accused of
fondling a female mourner, kissing
her hand and saying: "Do you fancy
nipping back to the vestry for an
aquavit?"
One angry relative told the
Helsingsborg Handesblat newspaper:
"He was so tanked up it was an
embarrassment. It was an incoherent
waffle for 30 minutes. He read out a
poem to the old lady and nobody
understood a word. “
At one point, the priest allegedly
said: "The family wanted an open
coffin but I'm worried about swine
flu. If you sneeze on her you might
have to wipe the smile off her
face."
(Allan
Hall, Daily Telegraph, October
5th, 2009)
The Royal Society for the Extremely
Stupid
"They are now the most powerful lobbying force in the land.
You can see the results of their campaigns on park benches, on
street corners, on station platforms - and now their hectoring
signage is sprouting on desolate beaches and once unspoilt
stretches of moorland. They are more energetic than the RSPCA.
They are more effective than the birdwatchers, the
child-protectors and the petrolheads put together. Indeed, for
manic dedication they are only rivalled by Fathers4Justice.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big hand for this year's
winner of the prize for the Most Successful Special Interest
Group. I give you - the Royal Society for the Extremely
Stupid.
It was some years ago that my daughter and I first became aware of their achievements. We were exploring the magical cliff-top castle of Tintagel and we came across a sign on the edge of the cliff. It was expensively hand-painted and about 1ft high. It said: "Edge of cliff'. As a statement of the plonkingly obvious, it could have been bettered only if there had been another sign with a vertical arrow saying "Sky". We laughed so much we almost fell off.
Since then, the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid has been going from strength to strength. It has adorned the back of peanut packets with signs saying "May contain nuts"; it has embossed every plastic coffee sipper-lid with the information that the contents may be hot; and now, according to a wonderful pamphlet issued by the Manifesto Club, its activities are reaching a climax. I could direct you to a lovely pebble beach in Sussex, where visitors are warned with a hideous bright yellow sign and a pictogram of a man falling over that there is an "uneven surface". Another pictogram, complete with another tumbling idiot, warns that the beach may have a "slippery surface". Cor! I can just about see the case for warning railway passengers that if they run on a marble station concourse, and that concourse is wet, then they may be at risk of slipping.
But we are talking about a beach in Sussex. How dur-brained do you have to be to fail to grasp that pebble beaches are uneven and may be slippery? You might as well post a sign at the gates of the Vatican saying: "Caution: Pope at work". Or I could show you a park bench in London boasting an exclamation mark in a fluorescent yellow triangle and the warning, "May become wet". You don't say! A bench in London may become wet, the public is told. I wonder whether we are doing enough to alert people to this fact, that it is raining in London on average 6 per cent of the time. Perhaps we should have a giant sign at Heathrow saying: "Welcome to Britain - danger of moderate precipitation".PC
Watch – Dormouse Conservation Time!
They wish to ‘identify dormouse heritage’, they plan to hold
‘dormouse-related activities’ and – best of all – to promote
‘intellectual access’ to dormice.
Coo! Fancy that!
‘A hospital has
banned visitors from ‘cooing’ over new-born babies to protect
their dignity and parents’ right to confidentiality.’
Thus
The Daily Telegraph recently. Apparently a
But the hospital’s neo-natal manager has the last, politically
correct word. ‘Cooing should be a thing of the past because
these are little people with the same rights as you or me.’
‘You’ll Never Squawk Alone’
The fashion for punning newspaper headlines (not unknown in this
publication) can be tiresome, but when the Daily
Telegraph came up with this one on October 25th, 2005 all
is, as they say, forgiven.
Only later, and on examination, was the truth revealed, and the
police forced to issue a statement to the effect that the object
was in fact the foetus of a chicken, whose mother is of course
now extremely unlikely to come forward. Just how something so
tiny could have been mistaken for its human equivalent is not
clear, but naturally enough the media seized on the story with
delight. Every variety of chicken and egg joke and headline
appeared, but for sheer delight nothing can beat the one at the
head of this item.
P.C. Year
The guidance also suggest that officers should wear their
helmets at all times in public – even when rushing out of a
patrol car to chase down a suspect.
Their pronouncements on
the acceptable curvature of cucumbers and bananas have already
proved unpalatable. Now the infamous bureaucrats of Brussels
have made another baffling food judgment, ruling that a swede
can be called a turnip when it’s in a Cornish pasty.
They have decreed that only minced or diced beef, sliced
potato, onion and swede can fill the pasties. However,
the Cornish are unique in referring to Swedes as turnips,
despite the distinct differences. Because of this linguistic
quirk, the regulations have been amended to allow either term
to go on the label, even though only swede is allowed. It
means that Cornish pasties can be advertised as containing
turnip, but will break the rules if they actually contain it.
A motorist rang her
council to ask if its car park was haunted, because her
vehicle seemed to have moved to another space while she was
away shopping. Other bizarre inquiries to town halls included
a man who asked if he could roll up a zebra crossing, and
another who wanted to know if he could register the death of
someone who was still alive.
A grandfather who bought
a birthday card for a two year-old was stunned to find the
label: ‘not suitable for children under three years old.’
Various press reports,
August 2010
Foreign Words that Leave you Speechless
Speakers of the
world’s richest language are not
used to being lost for words. But it seems
there are some things that English
speakers cannot describe — despite
having more than 250,000 terms at
their disposal.
A new book has listed foreign words
for which there is no direct
counterpart in English.
If asked to
describe a woman who stands on her
doorstep screaming obscenities at
her children, an English speaker
would struggle to find a precise
phrase. Any Danish person would tell
you that such a woman is called a “kaeffing”.
The experience of hesitating when
you are introducing
someone whose name you can’t
remember may be familiar — but you
would be hard pressed to sum it up
in a single word. A Scot would
tell you that to hesitate in such a
way is simply to “tartle”.
Adam Jacot de
Boinod culled words from 300
languages for his book I Never Knew
There WasA Word For it which is
released by Penguin Books.
He discovered
that a man who hangs around cafés
and eats leftovers is called a “bufetak”
in the Czech Republic,while someone
who is only attractive from a
distance is “Layogenic”
in Tagalog - the language of the
Philippines.
A young man who
tries to seduce his aunt is a “tantenverfuhrer”
in German, while a person who is
aroused by garlic is a “physiggoomai”
in ancient Greek.
Mr De Boinod,
50, came up with the idea for the
book while working as a researcher
on the BBC quiz show QI. It also
includes a list of English words
with very different meanings in
other countries. “Honk”
means eyebrow in Armenian, while a “snog”
in Denmark is a grass snake.
The
Daily Telegraph, August 2010
Outrage as
Anglican vicar gives sacrament to pet
dog.
An Anglican church in Canada has
become the focus of controversy
after a vicar gave Holy Communion to
a pet dog. The priest gave Communion
bread, considered by Anglicans to
represent the body of Jesus Christ,
to an Alsatian-cross called Trapper.
St Peter’s Anglican Church in
Toronto has been deluged with
complaints by Christians throughout
the country. Donald Keith, the dog’s
owner, said he took his pet to the
church because he had heard animals
were welcome.
Because he was a newcomer, the
vicar, the Rev Marguerite Rea,
invited him in person to receive
communion. “The minister said, ‘Come
up and take communion’, and Trapper
came up with me and the minister
gave him communion as well,” said Mr
Keith.
Mr Keith said he thought it was a
“nice way to welcome me into the
church. There was an old lady in the
front just beaming when she saw
this. Ninety-nine-point-nine per
cent of the people in the church
love Trapper and the kids play with
him.”
He claimed that one member of the
congregation was unhappy and
complained to the archbishop. The
dog has since been banned from
receiving Holy Communion. Mrs Rea
has since apologised to the area
bishop, Patrick Yu, who was sent to
investigate the complaint. He said
the vicar was “quite embarrassed” by
her gaffe.
The bishop said it was “not the
policy of the Anglican Church to
give communion to animals”. He
added: “Unless there is any further
evidence that she is giving
communion to animals, the matter is
closed. We are, after all, in the
forgiveness and repair business.”
A
marvellous story (July 27th, 2010)
again taken from the ever-vigilant
Daily Telegraph. As so often, we
note the absurdities perpetrated
by the reporter. To begin with,
there is the suggestion that
somehow Anglicans are uniquely
strange in believing in the divine
presence in the eucharist. Then
there is the odd concept of having
to ban the animal from future
sacramental participation (no
doubt someone will tell Trapper!).
Finally, the bishop speaks of the
church as being in the
‘forgiveness and repair’ business.
He clearly thinks the vicar needs
forgiving – but it is not exactly
obvious who needs repairingPerhaps
they do things differently in
Canada, or are they all barking
mad?
Tweetness and
light
A Church minister is to conduct the
first communion service on Twitter,
the social networking site.
In a modern spin on
Christianity’s most sacred rite,
worshippers are invited to break
bread and drink wine or juice in
front of their computers as they
follow the service online.
Churches usually require a
priest to take the Eucharist, but
the Rev Tim Ross, a Methodist
minister, will send out a prayer in
a series of tweets - messages of up
to 140 characters — to users of the
site. Those following the service
will read out each tweet before
typing Amen as a reply.
The move is likely to upset
traditionalists but Mr Ross said it
was an important step in uniting
Christians around the world and
reaching those who might not
normally go to church. Hundreds of
people have registered to follow the
service and Mr Ross hopes that will
grow to thousands by the lime he
sends out the tweets next month.
“Twitter offers unique
possibilities for the Church,” he
said. “It’s a community that’s as
real and tangible as any local
neighbourhood and we should be
looking to minister to it.”
Karen Burke, a media officer
for the Methodist Church, said it
supported “the exploration of
spirituality on the internet”. She
said: “While communion normally
reflects the celebration of God’s
love in a body of people gathered in
one place, there is a strong
tradition of celebrating that love
in more transient and informal
communities’
The Daily
Telegraph, from which
this report (and the headline
above) are lifted, commented on
the idea in an editorial. The
development, it said 'suggests a
whole host of holy new
possibilities for Twitter. There
seems no reason why other
sacraments might not also be
administered by tweet: "Do u
@natalie take @harry..." for
instance. Certain adjustments in
the liturgy will be called for, of
course: "Please turn to No 386 in
your collection of ringtones..."
But the 140-character limit should
inspire a blessed brevity in
sermons: "Dearly beloved, we are
not gathered here today..."
Hello, hello, hello!
Three more
entertaining clippings from the
papers
Police officers
have been handed an official leaflet
showing them how to tuck their
shirts in properly and tie their
shoelaces.
Sussex Police introduced a new
‘practical, fit-for-purpose’ uniform
in May, and issued 3,200 officers
with advice on ‘how to wear’ it.
The guidance contrasts a ‘prim and
proper’ policeman and a ‘shabby’
colleague, with his shirt hanging
out and his shoelaces undone.
Two Middle
Eastern-style ‘Nile pan’ lavatories,
little more than holes in the
ground, have been installed in a
Rochdale shopping centre,
apparently in an attempt to
accommodate shoppers from different
cultural backgrounds.
M.P. Philip Davies said: ‘It’s
absolutely ludicrous – Thomas
Crapper would be turning in his
grave.’
A new trawl
through the birth records has
revealed that 20 babies born since
the Second World War have been named
Adolf.
The research also revealed some
unusual trends, with ten babies in
Lancashire in the 19th century named
Fish Fish, and one registered with
the full name Fish Fish Fish.
The Oldie, July 2010
Would You Believe
It?
Four
oddities noted in recent weeks in the press
An Australian publishing company has pulped and reprinted
7,000 copies of a pasta cookbook that advised people to use
‘salt and freshly ground black people’ in a tagliatelle dish .
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee.
Carl Geary, 55, won three times as many votes as his rival,
Barbara Brock, even though he had suffered a fatal heart
attack at the start of the campaign. ‘I knew he was deceased
but we wanted someone other than her,’ said one local. ‘If he
were to run again next week, I’d vote for him again.’
Police have introduced the first speed trap on the Isles of
Scilly… on an island with only six miles of road. Officers on
St Mary’s, population 1,600, have taken delivery of a radar
gun. The island has a 60 mph speed limit, but police admitted
that its roads contain so many bens that t is virtually
impossible to drive that fast. Since the radar gun has been
introduced, the fastest vehicle recorded had been a moped
travelling at 34 mph.
And finally, a letter in the ‘Daily Telegraph’:
Sir,
The Church of Ireland’s 2004 Book of Common Prayer instructs
those presenting themselves for confirmation not to covet
their neighbours’ houses – and not to cover their neighbours’
wives.
May 24th, 2010
What... the Devil?
‘The
devil is lurking in the very heart
of the Roman Catholic Church, the
Vatican’s chief exorcist claimed
yesterday.’
Thus wrote the Daily Telegraph’s
Nick Squires recently. The aforesaid
exorcist, Father Gabrielle Amorth,
claimed that the Christmas Eve
assault on the Pope, together with
the sex abuse scandals engulfing the
Church worldwide,’ were proof that
the Anti-Christ was waging a war
against the holy See’.
The evil influence of Satan, he
believes, was evident in the highest
ranks of the Catholic hierarchy,
with ‘cardinals who do not believe
in Jesus and bishops who are linked
to the demon,’ he said. Although
some Catholics mistrust the concept
of exorcism, the Pope apparently has
no such doubts.
The 85-year-old Fr Amorth, who has
been in post for 25 years, claims to
have performed 70,000 exorcisms.
Possessed people, he says, scream,
utter blasphemies and spit out
‘pieces of iron as long as a finger,
but also rose petals.’
Unholy Smoke
Incense is making us ill,
say parishioners
The Daily Telegraph again, and in
the same issue. A reporter reports
that ‘claims that incense burned in
church services is making members of
the congregation ill are being
investigated by environmental health
officials.’
A 73-year-old man has said he was
forced to stay away from the church
he had attended for 19 years because
of illness from inhaling the
sweet-smelling smoke. Apparently
several other parishioners at St
Paul’s in Chichester had to leave
the church feeling dizzy and unwell.
As a result the local Council have
inspected the church and are
awaiting a Health and Safety
Executive report.
The aggrieved gentleman holds forth:
‘I emailed the reverend (!) but was
told the church council had taken
advice and had been informed there
was no health risk. They are
ignoring the fact that there is a
lot of evidence that these particles
are so deadly and dangerous. The
thought that people are breathing in
particles which could make them ill
makes me so mad.’
The Telegraph reporter tells us that
‘research scientists have found that
the air in some churches where
incense was burned was more toxic
than the air along roads with high
levels of traffic.’ As a result of
the furore the incumbent will now
inform parishioners when incense is
due to be burned.
March 13th, 2010
Common Sense R.I.P.
An Obituary printed in the
Times........
Today we mourn the passing of a
beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as: knowing when to
come in out of the rain; why the
early bird gets the worm;lLife
isn't always fair; and maybe it was
my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies (don't
spend more than you can earn)
and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge). His
health began to deteriorate rapidly
when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in
place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch; and
a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when
parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves
had failed to do in disciplining
their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools
were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or
an Aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents
when a student became pregnant and
wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to
live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals
received better treatment than their
victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn't defend
yourself from a
burglar in your own home and
the burglar could sue you for
assault.
Common Sense finally gave up
the will to live, after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming
cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in
death, by his parents, Truth and
Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by
his daughter, Responsibility, and by
his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4
stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I
Want It Now; Someone Else Is
To Blame and I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.
(February 13th, 2010)
Priest called in
to banish pitch demons
Marine
bad luck blamed on evil spirits
Food for thought
in the banner headline on the front
page of our local newspaper
recently. Marine F.C., our local
team, have been suffering a run of
unnaturally bad luck recently, it
transpires. They have lost their
last five games, been knocked out of
two competitions and had their only
recent potential victory ‘scrubbed
out due to a freak floodlight
failure.’
‘Coupled with an
horrific injury list that has seen
THREE players sidelined with broken
legs – one of whom faces the agony
of his leg being re-broken by
doctors,’ the club’s manager, the
paper reports, ‘is convinced all is
not right at the Arriva’ (stadium)
And he has called in a Roman
Catholic priest from down the road
in Roby to ‘banish demons from the
team’s stadium’ (and possibly to
banish the Powers of Darkness and
keep the lights working?)
The priest duly
prayed over the pitch, before
‘sprinkling holy water in the
goalmouths and across the playing
surface.’
Only time will
tell how effectively the prayed-for
divine intervention will prove, and
we of course wish Marine every
blessing. The report lists the next
home fixture as being against Kendal
Town. This writer hopes that they
will not have heard about this turn
of events, for fear that they might
bring along their bishop to pray for
their success. Heaven alone knows
what would happen….
Meanwhile, should Marine do really
well, it might be worth asking the
Vicar to sprinkle the church
overdraft or pray over this writer's
church lottery numbers.
(January
29th, 2010)
A Sting in the Tale
An elderly
Polish beekeeper who passed out
after being stung woke up inside a
coffin. He had been pronounced dead
from a heart attack, covered in a
white sheet, collected by
undertakers and taken to a funeral
parlour.
It was then that
he woke and shouted for help. ‘He
was shouting and banging on the
coffin – he made enough noise to
raise the dead so we couldn’t miss
him,’ said the undertaker. The man
was taken to hospital and released
after a few days. ‘The undertaker
saved my life,’ he said. ‘The first
thing I did when I came out of
hospital was to take him a pot of
honey.’
This column
enjoys making excruciating headlines
for its borrowings, but cannot hope
to better the one provided by The
Daily Telegraph, where this snippet
occurred on January 26th.
Their
headline: ‘O sting,
where is thy death?’
Chris Price
Just when it seemed that
ecumenical relations were thawing,
an Anglican bishop has launched a
vicious attack on the morals of
Roman Catholic monks. Obviously,
this statement needs qualifying…
According to a report in The
Times, the Bishop of Aberdeen and
the Orkneys in the Scottish
Episcopal Church (that’s the
Anglican church in the frozen
north) has accused the Devon-based
Roman Catholic monks of Buckfast
Abbey of betraying Christian
values.
They
are
the
mass
producers
of
Buckfast
fortified
wine,
‘regarded
by
some
as
the
scourge
of
Scotland’,
according
to
reporter
Melanie
Read.
Bishop
Gillies
says:
‘What
sort
of moral double-take is there that
these monks can be so closely
associated with that product and
knowingly aware of the social
damage as well as the medical
damage it is doing to the kids who
take it in such vast volumes? The
monks at Buckfast are in a
Benedictine monastery founded upon
the rule of St Benedict, who urged
his monks to live a simple life… I
would have thought he would have
been very, very unhappy with what
his monks are doing nowadays.’
The reason for this sense of
outrage? The drink known
colloquially as Buckie has
featured in 5,000 crimes in the
last three years reported by
Stratchclyde Police, including 114
uses of the bottle as a weapon.
Each bottle contains more than 11
units of alcohol, is 15% proof and
contains more caffeine than eight
cans of cola. The monks sell £37
million worth of the drink a year.
Broken Buckfast bottles make up
54% of dangerous litter in
Scottish housing estates. There
are more than 200 Facebook groups
dedicated to it. Tellingly, it is
known colloquially as Wreck the
Hoose Juice, Commotion
Lotion, Bottle of Fight the World,
Bottle of Beat the Wife, Liquid
Speed and Scranjuice.
Not surprisingly, the monks of
Buckfast Abbey turned down a
request by the BBC to discuss
their Special Brew, while a
spokesman for the company that
distributes the drink absolves
them of blame. ‘Why should
they accept moral responsibility?
They’re not up there pouring their
Buckfast down somebody’s throat.
They produce a good product. I
drink it. Now if I thought there
was something wrong with it, would
I drink it…?’ The company
have threatened to sue public
figures who criticise the drink.
Here in the temperate south (!)
Buckie has possibly yet to take
hold, and moderate bishops of the
good old CofE have yet to
pronounce anathema over it. And
one can only wonder, now that
taking communion in both kinds has
restored wine to the sanctuaries
of the United Benefice, what might
happen if the good monks of
Buckfast brought out a really
full-bodied altar wine to liven up
our Sunday mornings. It might at
least slow down the decline in
communicants…his writer seems to
recall the original invitation to
partake of the communion cup was
pleasingly phrased, ‘Drink Ye All
Of This’….
January
19th, 2010
The Daily
Telegraph has been livening up
the dark days with readers'
letters about mistranslations
and associated comic usages.
This selection featured on
January 5th, 2010
SIR - I am particularly fond of
the section The
Train in my old
English-German conversational
dictionary, which contains the
following exchanges: "You are
aware that I have occupied this
seat since..." "My luggage was
on it." "Guard, inform this
gentleman that he must
relinquish my seat." "Let us
cross legs so as to sit more at
ease."
SIR - I have an
English-Gaelic phrase book
bought in Oban that contains,
among other joys, ‘Fetch me half
a munchkin’ and the rather
sinister ‘Shall I beat him?'
SIR - When I was
serving in the British Embassy
at Tripoli in the Seventies, a
colleague found a translation of
"traditional Libyan sayings" in
a local bookshop. Our favourite
was: "He whose trousers are made
of esparto grass should not
stand too close to the fire."
SIR - The
idiosyncrasies of translation
into English are not confined to
phrase books. Travel brochures
contain some priceless examples,
including one for a prestigious
hotel in Lisbon: "As our guests
descend the grand staircase they
will be impressed by our
collection of suggestive
pictures."
SIR - A pamphlet
given to me on entry to a French
campsite contained the
following: "Campers are
requested to speak slowly after
midnight so as not to disturb
the dreamers’
SIR - The most
ridiculous phrase I have heard
in any language comes from the
website Living
in Indonesia:
"Kuku-kuku kaki kakak kakek-ku
kaku-kaku." It means "My
grandfather's older brother's
toenails are stiff", and should
not be attempted while eating
cake.
Look Back with
Laughter
A
final selection of some of the
entertaining reports in last year's
papers
Three
nuns were pulled over on a
road near Turin after they were
clocked travelling at more than
110mph in a Ford Fiesta. The driver,
Sister Tavoletta, 56, explained that
they were hurrying to see the Pope
after hearing that he had fractured
his wrist in a fall. ‘We were on our
way to make sure he was OK,’ she
said. ‘Hopefully Sister
Tavoletta will confess to her
bad driving next time she goes to
confession,’ said a police
spokesman. ‘ But in the meantime she
will have to pay the speeding fine.’
A
confectionery firm came
under fire for featuring fruity
characters apparently engaging in
sexual acts on its wrappers. Simon
Simpkins of Pontefract said he was
shocked by the ‘porno’ poses when he
bought the sweets for his children.
'The lemon and lime are locked in
what appears to be a carnal
encounter,’ he told The Sun. ‘The
lime, who I assume to be the
gentleman in this couple, has a
particularly lurid expression on his
face. I demanded to see the
shop manager and, during a heated
exchange, my wife became distressed
and had to sit in the car park.’
Police
hunting Ireland’s most
dangerous driver finally uncovered
his identity. Computer records
showed that Prawo Jazdy had clocked
up no fewer than 50 offences, but
each time his licence was registered
to a different address. Finally, an
officer worked out that ‘Prawo
Jazdy’ is Polish for ‘driving
licence’. Officers had been writing
it down as the driver’s name.
The
Week: January 2nd, 2010
Bedford: Parents were
banned from attending their children's sports day after
organisers said it would make it impossible to guard against
paedophiles. Pupils from four primary schools competed at the
East Bedfordshire School Sports Day without spectators. "If we
let parents in, they would have been free to roam the
grounds," said a spokesman. "All unsupervised adults must be
kept away from children."
London: Schools in
Waltham Forest and Newham were told to close on three
Muslim, Hindu and Sikh holy days this autumn, regardless
of the religious mix of their pupils. In Waltham Forest,
Hindus form 2% of the population and Sikhs just 0.6%. There
are more Jewish people than Sikhs in the borough yet schools
were not told to close for any Jewish festivals.
London: Swimmers at an
outdoor pool in East London were told they could not go for a
dip if the weather was too wet. Customers at the London Fields
Lido in Hackney (right) were made to wait outside when it
rained, because staff said the shower could cloud the water,
making it hard for lifeguards to see into the pool. Hackney
council confirmed that this was part of its health-and-safety
policy.
The Government spent
£24,765 removing one noun from the name of a Whitehall
department. The Department for Communities and Local
Government (DCLG) was rebranded as Communities and Local
Government (CLG), requiring a new logo and headed paper. A
minister told MPs that the rebranding was necessary to
"emphasise the mission of the department".
Teachers were given a
training manual on how to use a full stop. The manual, part of
the National Literacy Strategy, contained advice such as:
"Verbs are very important. They are the words that tell you
what is happening in a sentence.’
A report that took two
years to compile and cost taxpayers £500,000 concluded that
rail passengers were liable to experience "negative” feelings
if their train was late and no one told them why.
Farmers were advised
to wear earmuffs when feeding pigs, to protect themselves from
"dangerously" loud squeals. The Health and Safety Executive
said the noise of hungry pigs could be as damaging to hearing
as that of a chainsaw or power drill, and suggested using
mechanical feeders to avoid exposure altogether.
With renewed
acknowledgement to The
Week: December 30th, 2009
The Spirit of Britain
Thanks
to that excellent publication,
‘The Week’, we are happy to
present the first instalment of
their annual cull of absurd
examples of political correctness,
bureaucratic inanities and fatuous
warnings emanating from official
quarters during the year now
ending.
Edinburgh:
The Scottish parliament's website
has been translated into Scots
dialect, as part of an £800,000
overhaul to make the site available
in 14 "languages". "Walcome tae the
Scottish pairlament wabsite," reads
the introduction. "The Scottish
pairlament is here for tae represent
aw Scotlan's folk." Scholars
disagree on whether Scots dialect -
as opposed to Gaelic - is a language
at all, but the Scottish Executive
says the translation is necessary to
prevent discrimination.
Southport:
When Rita Longbottom, a Southport
pensioner with dementia, locked
herself out of her care-home flat, a
live-in manager refused to use a
master key to let her in -because
her shift had ended, and she did not
wish to violate the new EU
working-time directive, which calls
for an 11-hour break between shifts.
Instead, a neighbour had to alert a
call centre in Bradford, which sent
a locksmith from Bolton.
Derby:
Fly-fishermen were banned from
casting their flies at a Derbyshire
reservoir, lest they injure
passers-by. Every year, thousands of
anglers fish at the Foremark
Reservoir, which is run by the local
water board. No one has been snared
in its 40-year history.
Birmingham:
Birmingham City Council announced
that all apostrophes were to be
banished from street signs.
Councillor Martin Mullaney said it
was important to have a consistent
policy, and that there was no longer
any need for a possessive apostrophe
in most place names, "since the
monarchy no
longer owns Kings Heath or Kings
Norton.
Oxford:
The ladders that for 400 years had
allowed students to reach the top
shelves at the Bodleian Library in
Oxford (right) were removed because
of safety fears. But the library
said the books would have to remain
in their "historic location", out of
reach, leaving students to travel as
far as the British Library in London
to find other copies.
Preston:
A GPs' surgery in Preston,
Lancashire, was docked £375 because
it hadn't received any complaints.
Under the current NHS system,
surgeries are rewarded for hitting
targets, one of which is to show how
they deal with complaints. Since the
Preston surgery didn't get any, it
lost out. A spokesman for the local
NHS trust said it had to follow
guidelines.
Sheffield:
A new primary school in Sheffield
decided to omit the word "school"
from its title because it had
"negative connotations". Watercliffe
Meadow calls itself a "place for
learning". Meanwhile, 13 secondary
schools in Barnsley were also
re-branded - as "advanced learning
centres".
December
29th, 2009
Lost in
Translation
A selection of
guaranteed genuine notices from
assorted world-wide
establiushments.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A
WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge,
Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER
DISEASES.
Dry cleaners,
Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE
BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi
restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR
WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
MANAGER.
On the main road to
Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER,THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at
Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT
READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND
WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM
PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules
and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a
Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO
HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES
WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH
PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a
Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE
CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in
Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR
BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR
INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY
ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF
ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT
IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE
USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Airline ticket
office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM
IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE
AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
GOOD TIME.
Supplied by a retired
clerical gentleman who would probably prefer to remain
anonymous: December 20th, 2009
Do They Think
We're That Stupid?
After the previous item,
it's a relief to get back to
some genuine examples of
overkill on commerical
products...
On the bottom of a Tesco’s
Tiramisu dessert… ‘Do not turn
upside down’
On Sainsbury’s peanuts…
‘Warning: contains nuts’
On Boot’s Children’s Cough
Medicine… ‘Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking
this medication’
On Marks & Spencer
Bread Pudding… ‘Product will be
hot after heating’
On a Sears hairdryer… ‘Do
not use while sleeping’
On a bag of Fritos… ‘You
could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside’
On some Findus frozen
dinners… ‘Serving suggestion:
Defrost’
On packaging for a Rowenta
iron… ‘Do not iron clothes on
body’
On Nytol Sleep Aid…
‘Warning: may cause drowsiness’
On Christmas lights… ‘For
indoor or outdoor use only’
On a child’s Superman
costume… ‘Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly’
(With thanks to Susan
Gothard, St Peter’s, Formby
magazine)
Demistifying Data
Protection
After so many ludicrous
examples of the excesses of the 'nanny state',
over-protective bureaucracy and the zealous enforcement of
health and safety legislation, it is only right to reproduce
an article from the Daily Telegraph of November 27th,
2009, in which Christopher Hope, the paper's Whitehall
Editor, puts a reassuring and sensible perspective on the
issue. This is what he wrote:
Parents are not breaking data protection rules if they take
photographs of children taking part in school nativity plays,
the information watchdog has said. Christopher Graham, the
information commissioner, also said he wanted to scotch other
"myths" about the Data Protection Act.
The commissioner said the problem was that some organisations
commonly used the 1998 Act like health and safety legislation,
to stop people behaving normally. "Some people still don't
seem to get it and a lot of people need help," he said. "Data
protection is becoming a term of abuse like health and safety.
It has been very difficult to dispel the myth - and we want to
demystify data protection."
Typical examples included the repeated fiction, he said, that it broke data protection laws to take private photographs of children at school sport days or nativity plays. In fact, parents, friends and family members can take photos or video of their children and friends who are taking part in school activities. The legislation would apply for photos taken for official use by schools and colleges.
Data protection rules also should not stop clergymen from praying for sick parishioners by name in church, while it was wrong for organisations to use "data protection" as a reason not to disclose a customer's details to a third party, such as a friend or family member. Instead as long as the organisation was satisfied that the person asking for the information was authorised to access it, then the information could be handed over.
In another case it emerged this month that a postman had
refused to deliver a parcel which had to be signed for, when
it became apparent the recipient was a nine-day-old baby. An
adult could have signed for the package, said Mr Graham.
Unveiling a "myth-busting" guide to the legislation, he said:
"Security breaches, inaccurate records and instances of data
being held for too long are too common. This new guide will
help organisations comply with the law and demystify data
protection."
It'll be his
Funeral...!
A Swedish family is demanding
£27,000 compensation from a pastor
who slurred his way through a
funeral service while sipping from a
glass of wine and making rude
comments.
The clergyman is accused of being so
wobbly at one point during the
service for an 80-year-old woman
that he almost fell to his knees.
He is alleged to have pulled himself
back up "using the altar like it was
a climbing frame for an ape".
When he regained his balance, he
told the congregation: "Bit dodgy
that - someone left a banana skin
here." He is also accused of
fondling a female mourner, kissing
her hand and saying: "Do you fancy
nipping back to the vestry for an
aquavit?"
One angry relative told the
Helsingsborg Handesblat newspaper:
"He was so tanked up it was an
embarrassment. It was an incoherent
waffle for 30 minutes. He read out a
poem to the old lady and nobody
understood a word. “
At one point, the priest allegedly
said: "The family wanted an open
coffin but I'm worried about swine
flu. If you sneeze on her you might
have to wipe the smile off her
face."
(Allan
Hall, Daily Telegraph, October
5th, 2009)
The Royal Society for the Extremely
Stupid
"They are now the most powerful lobbying force in the land.
You can see the results of their campaigns on park benches, on
street corners, on station platforms - and now their hectoring
signage is sprouting on desolate beaches and once unspoilt
stretches of moorland. They are more energetic than the RSPCA.
They are more effective than the birdwatchers, the
child-protectors and the petrolheads put together. Indeed, for
manic dedication they are only rivalled by Fathers4Justice.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big hand for this year's
winner of the prize for the Most Successful Special Interest
Group. I give you - the Royal Society for the Extremely
Stupid.
It was some years ago that my daughter and I first became aware of their achievements. We were exploring the magical cliff-top castle of Tintagel and we came across a sign on the edge of the cliff. It was expensively hand-painted and about 1ft high. It said: "Edge of cliff'. As a statement of the plonkingly obvious, it could have been bettered only if there had been another sign with a vertical arrow saying "Sky". We laughed so much we almost fell off.
Since then, the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid has been going from strength to strength. It has adorned the back of peanut packets with signs saying "May contain nuts"; it has embossed every plastic coffee sipper-lid with the information that the contents may be hot; and now, according to a wonderful pamphlet issued by the Manifesto Club, its activities are reaching a climax. I could direct you to a lovely pebble beach in Sussex, where visitors are warned with a hideous bright yellow sign and a pictogram of a man falling over that there is an "uneven surface". Another pictogram, complete with another tumbling idiot, warns that the beach may have a "slippery surface". Cor! I can just about see the case for warning railway passengers that if they run on a marble station concourse, and that concourse is wet, then they may be at risk of slipping.
But we are talking about a beach in Sussex. How dur-brained do you have to be to fail to grasp that pebble beaches are uneven and may be slippery? You might as well post a sign at the gates of the Vatican saying: "Caution: Pope at work". Or I could show you a park bench in London boasting an exclamation mark in a fluorescent yellow triangle and the warning, "May become wet". You don't say! A bench in London may become wet, the public is told. I wonder whether we are doing enough to alert people to this fact, that it is raining in London on average 6 per cent of the time. Perhaps we should have a giant sign at Heathrow saying: "Welcome to Britain - danger of moderate precipitation".PC
Watch – Dormouse Conservation Time!
They wish to ‘identify dormouse heritage’, they plan to hold
‘dormouse-related activities’ and – best of all – to promote
‘intellectual access’ to dormice.
Coo! Fancy that!
‘A hospital has
banned visitors from ‘cooing’ over new-born babies to protect
their dignity and parents’ right to confidentiality.’
Thus
The Daily Telegraph recently. Apparently a
But the hospital’s neo-natal manager has the last, politically
correct word. ‘Cooing should be a thing of the past because
these are little people with the same rights as you or me.’
‘You’ll Never Squawk Alone’
The fashion for punning newspaper headlines (not unknown in this
publication) can be tiresome, but when the Daily
Telegraph came up with this one on October 25th, 2005 all
is, as they say, forgiven.
Only later, and on examination, was the truth revealed, and the
police forced to issue a statement to the effect that the object
was in fact the foetus of a chicken, whose mother is of course
now extremely unlikely to come forward. Just how something so
tiny could have been mistaken for its human equivalent is not
clear, but naturally enough the media seized on the story with
delight. Every variety of chicken and egg joke and headline
appeared, but for sheer delight nothing can beat the one at the
head of this item.
P.C. Year